I took Uncle Vanya aside and suggested it might be kinder not to bring up the reason for his being in Aberystwyth, about the quest. He agreed and went to the floor to dance alone, completely oblivious to the impression he made. Ffanci ordered a brandy and Coke and said, ‘There used to be proper dancing when I was young. Waltzing and things.’
‘I hear you used to be quite a famous singer.’
‘Oh yes, back in the forties. Skegness, Scarborough, Weston-super-Mare, I did them all, all the lovely old piers, the lovely old songs . . .’ She began to sing in a frail soft descant:
It’s a lovely day tomorrow
Tomorrow is a lovely day
Come and feast your tear-dimmed eyes
On tomorrow’s clear blue skies . . .
The words faded out.
I said, ‘After that you became the schoolteacher?’
‘It was just a little school I ran for a while . . . all the children, I loved them all. But after Gethsemane was . . . after she went away, they stopped coming to my school. I had to close. Then I went on my travels. When it rains I wonder if she is getting wet. When I’m cold I wonder if she is cold too. When I buy new shoes I wonder what sort of shoes she wears. Sometimes I get a new dress from the charity shop and I wonder what sort of pretty dresses she likes to wear.’ She turned to look at me. ‘I’ve spoken to Llunos. The girl they found by the lake wasn’t Gethsemane, it was an actress. Some students paid her as part of a rag stunt.’
‘That was a wicked thing to do,’ I said.
Ffanci made a half smile that seemed to dismiss the significance of the event when set against the broader canvas of her life. ‘I suppose they thought it was funny . . . How could they have known what I . . . They wouldn’t know. They are so young.’
A waiter brought two more drinks and Ffanci moved her hand holding her drink in time to the music with the simple side-to-side movement of a puppet.
‘Is it true you and your sister were courted by the same man?’
‘It wasn’t . . . Alfred wasn’t like that, I don’t care if he was just a balloon-folder, he had dignity. All the girls were sweet on him. Including my sister, but he never requited it, that was just her jealous imaginings. He used to drive the tram for a while, when balloon-folding times were lean. I know what they say, that I . . . you know . . . when I fell pregnant, those gossips said I did it on purpose to trap him. It’s not true. I would never have dreamed of doing such a terrible thing, it just happened the normal way these things do. He loved me, you see. That’s what my sister could never forgive. I don’t blame her for that, we’re all human and jealousy is as human an emotion as love in a way, isn’t it? You can’t stop yourself sometimes, I know that. But you have to make the best of it, don’t you? We all do. Why she had to go and marry that Witchfinder, I really don’t know. It’s not like she didn’t have suitors. And she had made it quite plain she couldn’t abide the chap. Then she goes and does that. It’s almost as if she did it to spite me, to punish me the only way she could, by punishing herself.’
A body came between Ffanci and the glittering ceiling lights and a shadow passed over her face. I looked up. It was Arianwen. I stood up, she stepped forward and kissed me on the cheek. She whispered something into my ear but I couldn’t hear what she said in the noise. I bent down over Ffanci Llangollen and pointed to Vanya. ‘That man there is my client,’ I said. ‘You can ask him about Gethsemane. I wasn’t going to tell you; I wanted to protect you, but I realise I don’t have the right.’
Arianwen and I left by the exit at the back and emerged on to the iron walkway that led out to sea and ended in an iron precipice where the end of the Pier had long ago been blown away. Flashing coloured bulbs lit up her face and cast it again into darkness.
‘You are so amazing,’ she said. ‘You returned the tape and the stamps.’
‘Think nothing of it.’
‘Wasn’t it dangerous? Meici Jones must be in with some bad people.’
‘It wasn’t dangerous.’
‘He’s been following me. Or at least I think it’s him. Someone is anyway.’
There was silence for a while except for the sigh of the surf on the rocks twenty feet below us. We stood separated and joined by an unresolved tension.
‘Why don’t you like me?’ she said.
‘What makes you think I don’t?’
‘You’re not interested, I can tell. They tell me you used to go out with Myfanwy.’
I said nothing but flinched softly in the dark.
‘She’s in Switzerland, isn’t she?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you miss her a lot?’
‘I was born when she kissed me. I died when she left me. I lived a few weeks while she loved me.’
‘That’s lovely. I wish you’d say that about me.’
‘It’s Bogart, In a Lonely Place.’
‘It’s still lovely. They say she isn’t coming back.’
This time she felt me flinch.
I said, ‘I don’t care what people say. They don’t know anything.’
‘Yes, people always say horrible things, they pretend they want the best for you but really they want bad things to happen to you so they won’t feel so upset about their own lives.’
We returned to the disco but Vanya and Ffanci had left. We walked out too. ‘Will you walk me to the cab rank?’ she asked and then suddenly her face flashed with scorn. ‘Well of all the . . . You see! I told you he was following me.’ I followed the direction of her gaze and saw Meici Jones standing next to the hamburger van.
‘Go and make him leave me alone, Louie. Please, he gives me the creeps.’
I strode across to Meici Jones. His face was a sea of desolation.
‘You’re a dirty double-crosser!’ he cried. ‘I ought to smash your face.’
‘Don’t bother, it’s not worth the effort.’
‘I saw her first.’
‘We were only talking. Other people are allowed to hold conversations.’
‘You must think I’m stupid.’
‘I do actually.’
Over the past hour my spirits had sunk lower and lower and I no longer had the energy for pretence. I turned to go and said, ‘Just leave her alone, OK? She wants me to tell you, she’s not interested in you. She never was and she never will be. So forget it and scram.’ I was ashamed of how good it felt. It was like pulling the legs off a spider.
‘You’re a dirty double-crosser!’ he cried again.
I looked round. ‘What are you so upset about? Why don’t you play the Glad Game? I’m sad that Arianwen is talking to Louie but I’m glad for her because he’s better looking than me and I’m a creep.’
‘Just you wait! I’ll get you!’
‘What are you going to do? Smother me in the night like you did to Esau?’
For a second he wore the expression of a fawn startled by a noise in the undergrowth. And then a different expression, one of astonished revelation, crept across his face. It was a vile sight. I realised with a sick feeling in my stomach that he had never known, had never suspected the reason why his mother hated him. He gasped twice, choked once, spluttered once, and then clutched at his heart with hands contorted to talons. He spun round and fell to the floor and lay there convulsing in pain. People crowded round him and I told the bouncer to call an ambulance. Arianwen stood next to me resting her head on my shoulder as we waited for the medics to arrive. It wasn’t long. We watched them load Meici into the back of the ambulance. He had an oxygen mask strapped on and his two eyes bulged on either side with hatred or heartbreak; two eyes that were trained the entire time on Arianwen. Then they closed the doors.