We’d been at Lorenzo’s Pizza, just the three of us.
“It’s David, isn’t it?” Abby’d said. “You’re trying to hook up with him.”
“I just don’t feel like it’s fair to strand them without a ride,” I said, avoiding her question. “It would be an incredible hassle for Celeste to take the bus with her leg.”
“Have you always been such a Goody Two-shoes?” Abby tossed down her pizza slice. “Fine. Do whatever you want. Drive down on Saturday. Maybe we’ll run into you somewhere in the city.”
She stood up, pushed her way out of the booth, and stomped to the restroom.
I bit my bottom lip. “I’m not trying to piss her off,” I said to Viv. “Can you help her chill out about this?”
“I don’t know,” Viv said. “She’s pretty jealous.”
“Jealous?”
“Of Celeste. You know, because it seems like you’ve sort of chosen her over us.”
I rested my head in my hands. “God save me. I have enough to worry about without this.” I looked up at Viv’s reassuringly placid eyes. “I’m not choosing Celeste. It’s not a contest.”
“I know,” Viv had said. “I’m just explaining where she’s coming from.”
Aargh! I zipped my duffel shut—whatever was in there would have to do. I locked the bedroom door and went into the closet with Cubby, then took a small oval pill to calm my out-of-control nerves.
I held Cubby up. “Sorry,” I whispered. “You’re not coming with me. You have to guard the fort.”
You shouldn’t go either. It’s dangerous. I didn’t speak out loud for Cubby’s voice now. Just imagined her in my head. Sometimes surprising myself with what I made her say.
Like just then. Of course I was going to New York, but Cubby’s words gave me a brief fantasy—spending the weekend here, in Frost House, alone. I hated to admit it, but if I’d had a choice, that’s what I would have picked. There were so many ways in which the trip might go wrong. Although … I was excited about spending the time with David. Scared, yes, but excited, too.
“Should I just forget about my moratorium?” I said. It had been feeling stupider and stupider lately.
He doesn’t care about you.
“That’s not true,” I said.
It is true. He’s just like the others.
“No, he’s not.” He wasn’t, was he? He was all those things that made him a good brother—loyal, protective, honest. And much older than Jake and Theo when I’d hooked up with them. He was almost nineteen.
He’ll hurt you.
At these words, the excited tingling in my limbs turned to a cold numbness. Coziness became claustrophobia. Why was I telling myself this? It’s not what I expected. Not what I wanted.
He’ll hurt you, Leena.
I pushed aside Celeste’s clothes and stumbled back into the room, slamming the closet door shut behind me, my chest wound tight. I sat down on the bed, pushed Cubby to the end of the windowsill. I put my hands next to me on the mattress and tried to steady myself. Reality crashed into my head. What had I been doing? Sitting in a closet, talking to a piece of wood?
I took slow, steady breaths. Okay, nothing was wrong here. It was just a way I was accessing my subconscious. Something about the way the closet’s smell reminded me of my fort in Cambridge. Something about how comfortable I was in there was bringing out the way I really felt about stuff. That wasn’t so strange, was it? I’d felt a connection to that little space from the first day of school. Obviously, it was tapping into my brain in a way a neurologist could probably explain.
Deep down, I was scared. Scared of being hurt by David. This shouldn’t have surprised me. I’d been telling myself for so long to stay away from boys. But life was about overcoming fears, wasn’t it?
I went to bed early and expected my nerves to wake me up before my alarm. Instead, I hit SNOOZE. Repeatedly. When I came to a fuzzy consciousness, there was a hand on my shoulder, nudging me.
“Mmmph.” I turned my head into the pillow. “Neurons not firing.”
“C’mon, Leena. It’s late.” It was David’s voice. “Where’s Celeste?”
I remembered—New York. I sat up, wiped drool off my mouth. “What time is it?”
“Seven thirty. You were supposed to pick me up half an hour ago. Where’s Celeste?”
“Seven thirty? Shoot. I don’t know. Across the hall?”
David walked into the hallway. I grabbed some clothes and hurried to the bathroom. I couldn’t believe I’d overslept, today of all days. I’d promised Viv and Abby that we’d get an early start so they wouldn’t be stuck at the house all day, waiting for us. I’d have to call and tell them we’d be late. I took a quick shower, threw on jeans and a hoodie, cursing myself the whole time. When I went back in the bedroom, Celeste was piling clothes on her bed. I watched her with my arms crossed. Couldn’t she have done this yesterday?
“Is your bag still where I put it when I moved your stuff in?” David asked, looking over at her from by the closet.
“I guess,” Celeste said.
“What are those?” David pointed at a couple of bruises on her lower thighs. Celeste pulled her skirt down to cover them.
“Nothing,” she said.
“What are they?” he pressed.
She rolled her eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe from when things got a little frisky with Whip. Okay? Like that answer?”
“He hurt you?” David said.
“Jesus! No. I bruise easy. Don’t you remember? From all our games of tickle monster?”
“I never hurt you like that,” David said.
“I bruise easily, too,” I said, sensing that their conversation was rapidly deteriorating. I rolled up my sleeve and pointed at a blue-yellow blotch on my forearm. “This one, I don’t even know what it’s from. Field hockey, maybe, but I don’t remember it happening.”
Neither of them said anything else. Just stared at each other as if I wasn’t even in the room.
The next time Celeste spoke was as I backed the car out of the driveway.
“I am so fucking happy to be getting out of this place,” she said.
The silence between Celeste and David lasted through getting coffee at The Mean Bean, and past multiple exits on the Mass Pike. Celeste may have been happy to leave Frost House, but all I could think about was how much I’d rather be back there alone than here in the car, trying to ignore the obvious tension.
Somewhere near Sturbridge, I heard a small snore from the backseat. I felt as if I was being released from thumbscrews.
“Is she asleep?” I asked quietly.
David twisted around and watched her for a moment. “Yeah, she is.”
“So,” I said once he was facing front again, “what’s with all the weirdness?
Before answering, he turned up the volume of the music a bit. “She used to cut. Before Barcroft, but I get nervous when I see bruises. It’s stupid, I know.”
“Oh,” I said, understanding better now. I thought of her burn, and how she’d asked me not to tell him. That must have been why. She was worried he’d assume she’d done it on purpose.
“How has she seemed to you?” he asked. “Aside from letting that asshole abuse her.”
“I don’t think he’s abusing her,” I said gently. “I think she was just trying to get to you. She’s seemed … okay. Really upset about what happened to her nests, of course. Honestly, I don’t see her that often. You should ask her how she’s doing.” That was true. Ever since that event with the nests, she’d spent more and more time in the little room, and out of the dorm entirely. I wasn’t sure where or when she was sleeping.