I wanted him to shut up. I wanted him to keep going. I wanted him to come back, I wanted a body to match the voice, hands and shoulders and neck and lips. I hated myself for wanting it.
“See you soon.”
16. IN THE DARK
“What’s this for?” Auden asked when I gave him the box wrapped in silver foil. He’d been avoiding me for days, but I finally cornered him at lunch. He’d found himself another secluded corner to hide in, far away from mine.
“I just wanted to,” I said, feeling a little awkward. I couldn’t say I was sorry, not really, because then we would have had to get into what I was sorry for. And neither of us wanted to touch that because we both knew: I was sorry for not wanting him the way he wanted me. But that meant I couldn’t tell him the other part of the truth, that I needed him. It didn’t matter if he was an org and I was a mech; it didn’t matter what Jude thought. Jude who was like me, but didn’t understand me at all. Who knew nothing.
Auden opened the box. He pulled out a gray bag with a smart-strap that would heat up whenever a new message came in. The front flap had a full-size screen and the back doubled as a pocket and a keyboard, perfect—as the pop-up had said—for the stylish guy who needs to link on the go. Not that Auden was stylish, or did much of anything on the go, but it looked good. Definitely better than the ragged green sack he toted around everywhere. I might not have been cool anymore, but my taste still was.
He looked confused.
“Thought you could use a new one,” I said.
Auden didn’t take it out of the box. “You shouldn’t have.”
“I wanted to,” I said again.
“Really, you shouldn’t have.” He sighed, and finally picked up the bag, flipping it open and glancing inside before placing it back in the box. He didn’t even notice the smart-strap, much less the board and the screen. “But thanks, I guess.”
It looked like the symbolic approach wasn’t working. Did he not get that I was trying to spare him even more embarrassment? Shouldn’t he be grateful?
Especially since, when you think about it, he was the one who should have been apologizing. I wasn’t the one making unreasonable demands or throwing a temper tantrum when I didn’t get what I wanted.
But I’d lost the moral high ground when I’d given in to Jude. Even if Auden didn’t know—could never know—I knew.
“I’m sorry about before,” I said. If he really wanted to talk about it, then fine. We’d talk.
“You don’t have to—”
“I wish it hadn’t happened.”
“I shouldn’t have said anything,” he said.
“No, I’m glad you did.” Lie. “We should be honest with each other.” Lie number two. “And what I said? About wishing I could go back to the way things were before? I can’t… I can’t take that back. But, Auden, you have to know, you’re the only good thing that’s happened to me since the accident. The only thing.” Truth.
Except for yesterday, some rebellious part of my brain pointed out. Except for Jude. Except for what he did. And what he gave me. But that was nothing. That was already forgotten.
Lie number three.
“You don’t have to say that,” Auden said.
“I do.” I smiled nervously. “Are we okay? I really need us to be okay.”
“Me too,” he said, and gave me a tight hug.
Now or never, I decided. “So, now that we’re friends again… any chance you want to do me a favor?”
Auden let go, laughing. “Now I get it. That wasn’t a gift, it was a bribe.”
“No! Well… maybe a little.”
He sighed. “What do you need?”
“Jude and the rest of them are going out again tonight.” I winced at the expression on his face, stranded somewhere between suspicion and disgust. “I want to go. I thought maybe you’d come with me.”
“Back to the waterfall? Are you crazy?”
I shook my head. “They’re doing something else tonight. I don’t know what. It’s some kind of big secret.”
“Maybe you didn’t hear me the first time: Are you crazy?”
“You’re the one who talked me into going last time,” I pointed out. “Remember all that stuff about facing up to my fears, meeting people who were like me and could understand what I’m going through?”
“Remember how it turned out that Jude was an asshole and all his little followers were daredevil nut jobs who thought killing themselves might be a fun way to pass the time?”
“They weren’t trying to kill themselves,” I said.
“They were doing a pretty good imitation of it.”
“Auden, you know it’s different for us.”
“Us? Since when—”
“You know what I mean,” I snapped. “It wasn’t that dangerous. They were just having fun.”
“Exactly. What kind of person thinks that’s fun?” He scowled. “A seriously messed-up person. Or a person who can’t think for himself.”
“Or maybe a person who’s not a person at all. Is that what you’re trying to say?”
“No!” Auden sighed. “You know I don’t think that way about you. I just don’t get why you’d want to go back. What’s the point?”
I wasn’t sure why I wanted to go back.
It wasn’t because I wanted another dose of whatever Jude had to give me. I’d promised myself it wasn’t because of that.
“They’re trying to test their limits,” I told him, “and to explore the possibilities of this thing. To enjoy it a little. Is that so bad?”
“When did you start talking like that?” he asked.
“Like what?”
“Like… I don’t know. Like him.”
“Look, if you don’t want to go with me, I’ll go by myself,” I said, annoyed. “No big deal.”
“It is a big deal,” he said. “Whatever they’re doing, I’m sure it’ll be dangerous. And stupid. I’m not letting you go by yourself.”
“I don’t need you to protect me,” I said, even though that’s exactly what I’d asked of him—and I’d asked knowing he would never be able to say no.
“Too bad. That’s what you’ve got.”
“What’s the point?” Auden asked.
“Because we can,” Jude said. “Because why not?”
Auden pulled me away from the group. He was still carrying his hideous green bag. “This is a bad idea.”
“You’re the one always talking about the people stuck living in the cities,” I said. “Don’t you actually want to see one?”
“Not like this,” he mumbled. “Not by ourselves. At night.” But I knew I had him.
There were ten of us, including me and Auden. Again, no one had wanted him to come along, but I’d insisted, and Jude had gone along with it. As before, everyone else went along with Jude.
“You can leave, if you want,” I offered, and I was almost hoping he would take me up on it. I wanted him there, I did. But even I knew he didn’t belong.
Auden shook his head. “You know the city people; they hate mechs more than anyone,” he said. “Most of them die before they hit forty, and you’re going to live forever. You really think that’s a good combination?”
“I think Lia trusts me,” Jude said, appearing behind us and resting his hand on my shoulder. I shook it off. “Maybe you should give her a little more credit.”
I glared at him. “Don’t touch me.”
He just smiled. “I’ll give you two a minute,” he said. “We’re leaving in five. Stay or go.”