“He was amazing, wasn't he?”
Sharon nodded, thinking of his words again. “You know, it feels dumb just going back to school. I feel as though I should be doing something.” She leaned her head back against the seat and closed her eyes, and Tana stared out into the dark night as they rode into the South. It seemed to make his words even more important than they had been. This was where it was happening, where people were being hurt, and ignored, and abused. And as the thoughts wandered through her head, she thought of the debutante party her mother had set up, and it was as though the two thoughts were so diametrically opposed that they just wouldn't fit into her head at the same time. When Sharon opened her eyes again, Tana was looking at her.
“What are you going to do?” One had to do something after hearing him. There was no choice at all. Even Freeman Blake had agreed.
“I don't know yet.” Sharon looked tired, but she had been thinking of it since they'd left Washington, of what she could do to help … in Yolan … in Green Hill … “What about you?”
“I don't know.” Tana sighed. “Anything I can, I guess. But I'll tell you, after hearing Dr. King speak, I know one thing … that party my mother is forcing me into in New York is the dumbest thing I've ever done.”
Sharon smiled. She couldn't really disagree now, but there was another side to it as well. A more small-scale, human one. “It'll do you good.”
“I doubt that.” The two girls exchanged a smile, and rode on into the South until they reached Yolan, and took one of the town's two cabs to Green Hill.
The train roared into Pennsylvania Station on December twenty-first just after two o'clock in the afternoon and there was a light snow falling as Tana watched. It made everything look Christmasy and almost like a fairy tale, and yet as she gathered her things, fought her way through the station, and went outside to hail a cab, she realized again how depressed she was about coming home. It made her feel instantly guilty toward Jean, and she knew that she wasn't being fair, but she would rather have been anywhere than on her way home to her own coming out dance. And she knew how excited her mother was. For the past two weeks, she had called Tana almost every night, about the guests, the flowers, the table decor, her date, her dress. She had picked the dress out for Tana herself, an exquisite white silk with white satin trim and tiny little white beads embroidered in floral patterns around the hem. It had cost a fortune, and Arthur had told her to charge it to his account at Saks.
“He's so good to us, sweetheart.…” As she rode home to the apartment in the cab, Tana could close her eyes and imagine her mother's face as she said the words … why, why was she so everlastingly grateful to him? What on earth did he do for her, except let her work her fingers to the bone, and wait for him all those times he never came when Marie was still alive … and even now, everything else always seemed to come first with him. And if he loved Jean so much, why the hell didn't he marry her? It depressed Tana to think about that too. Everything was such a goddamn farce … her mother and Arthur, how “good” the Durnings were to them, yeah, like the way Billy had been good to her … and the party she would have to go to the following night. She had invited a boy she had known for years and never liked, but he was the right type for an event like that, Chandler George III. She had gone to a couple of dances with him before, and he bored her to tears, but she knew her mother would be pleased. And she also knew that she'd have a miserable time but that couldn't be helped. Most important of all, he was harmless and polite and wouldn't do anything inappropriate.
The apartment was dark when she got in, Jean was still at work as Tana looked around. Everything looked the same except smaller somehow, and drearier than she had remembered it. And as she had the thought, it seemed somehow unfair. She knew how hard her mother tried to keep a nice home for them both, and she always had. But Tana felt as though things were different now, as though imperceptibly she had changed and no longer fit in this scene. She found herself thinking of the comfortable Blake house in Washington, and how much she had enjoyed being there. It wasn't pretentious, like the Durning' house, but it was warm, and beautiful, and real. And she missed the Blakes as well, especially Sharon. Tana had watched her get off the train, feeling as though she were losing her best friend, and Sharon had turned back once to give her a big smile and a wave, and then she was gone and the train moved north, and now she was here, feeling as though she wanted to cry as she set her bags down in her room.
“Is that my little girl?” The front door slammed and Jean's voice rang out as Tana turned with a frightened look. What if her mother could read her thoughts, could see how uncomfortable she was just being there? But Jean saw nothing of the sort, all she saw was the daughter she loved, and she held her tight for an instant before stepping back again. “Boy, you look good!” And so did Jean. Her cheeks were pink from the cold, there were kisses of frost on the tips of her hair, and her eyes looked big and dark. She was so excited that she didn't even wait to take off her coat before running into her own room and emerging again with Tana's dress. It was exquisite as it hung from the padded satin hanger they had delivered it with. It looked almost like a wedding dress, and Tana smiled.
“Where's the veil?”
Her mother smiled back. “You never know. That'll come next.”
Tana laughed and shook her head at the thought. “Now let's not rush into that. I'm only eighteen.”
“That doesn't mean anything, sweetheart. You might meet the man of your dreams tomorrow night, you know. And who knows after that?” Tana stared at her in disbelief. Something in Jean's eyes said she was serious.
“Do you mean that, Mom?”
Jean Roberts smiled again. It was wonderful to see Tana again, and now that she saw the dress next to her, she knew just how fabulous it was going to look on. A victory all around. “You're a beautiful girl, Tana. And some man is going to be very lucky to have you as his wife.”
“But wouldn't you be upset if I met him now?”
“Why?” She didn't seem to understand and Tana looked stunned.
“But I'm eighteen years old. Don't you want me to go on with college and make something of myself?”
“You're doing that now.”
“But this is just the beginning, Mom. When I finish my two years at Green Hill, I want to go on and do something else.”
Jean frowned. “There's nothing wrong with getting married and having kids.”
“Is that what this is all about?” Suddenly Tana felt sick. “This coming out bullshit … it's kind of like a slave auction, isn't it?”
Jean Roberts looked shocked. “Tana, that's a terrible thing to say.”
“Well, it's true, isn't it? All these young girls lined up, curtsying like fools, and a bunch of men checking them out.” She squinted her eyes as though the girls were lined up in front of her, “… let's see, I'll take … that one over there.” Her eyes opened wide again, and she looked upset. “Hell, there has to be more to life than that.”
“You make it sound sick somehow, and it's not. It's a beautiful tradition that means a lot to everyone.” No, it doesn't, Mom, at least not to me … just to you … but she couldn't bring herself to say those words. Jean looked at her unhappily. “Why are you being so difficult about this? Ann Durning came out four years ago, and she had a wonderful time.”