And at the same time, she kept thinking of Miriam's words. This country needs you … she tried the thought on her mother before she went back to school, and Jean Roberts looked horrified.
“Law school? Haven't you been in school for long enough? Are you going to stay there for the rest of your life?”
“Only if it does me some good.”
“Why don't you get a job? You might meet someone that way.”
“Oh for chrissake, never mind.…” It was all she thought about … meet someone … settle down … get married … have kids.… But Harry wasn't much warmer to the idea when she tried it out on him the following week.
“Jesus Christ, why?”
“Why not? It might be interesting, and I might be good at it.” She was getting more excited about it every day, and suddenly it seemed like the right thing to do. It made some sense, gave some purpose to her life. “I'm going to apply to Boalt, at UC Berkeley.” She had already made up her mind. There were two other schools she was going to apply to also, but Boalt was her first choice.
Harry stared at her. “You're serious?”
“Yes.”
“I think you're nuts.”
“Want to come?”
“Hell, no!” He grinned. “I told you. I'm going to play … just kick up my heels.”
“That's a waste of time.”
“I can hardly wait.”
And neither could she. In May she got the word. She'd been accepted at Boalt. They would give her a partial scholarship, and she had already saved the rest.
“I'm on my way.” She grinned at Harry as they sat on the lawn outside her dorm.
“Tan, are you sure?”
“Never more so in my whole life.” The two exchanged a long smile. The road would part for them soon. She went to his graduation at Harvard in June, and cried copiously for him, for herself, for Sharon Blake who was no more, for John F. Kennedy who had been killed seven months before, for the people they had met, and those they never would. An era had come to an end, for them both. And she cried at her own graduation too. As Jean Roberts did, and Arthur Durning had come along. And Harry sat in the back row, pretending to make conquests among the freshman girls.
But it was Tana his eyes were rivetted to, his heart leapt with pride for her and then sank as he thought of their going separate ways. He knew that inevitably their paths would cross again. He would see to that. But for her, it was still too soon. And with all his heart, he wished her godspeed and, that she would be safe and well in California. It made him nervous to think of her so far from him. But he had to let her go for now … for now … tears filled his eyes as he watched her come down the steps with her diploma in hand. She looked so fresh and young, the big green eyes, the bright shining hair … and the lips he so desperately longed to kiss and had for almost four years … the same lips brushed his cheek as he congratulated her again, and for an instant, just an instant, he felt her hold him close, and it almost took his breath away.
“Thanks, Harry.” There were tears in her eyes.
“What for?” He had to fight back tears of his own.
“For everything.” And then the others pressed in on them and the moment was gone. Their separate lives had begun and Harry almost felt her physically torn from him.
The ride to the airport seemed endless this time. Tana took a cab, and Jean insisted on coming with her. There were endless silences, pauses, staccato bursts of words, like machine gun fire at the enemy as it disappeared into the brush, and then finally they were there. Jean insisted on paying for the cab, as though it were her last chance to do something for her little girl, the only chance she'd ever have, and it was easy to see she was fighting back tears as they checked Tana's bags in.
“That's all you had, dear?” She turned to Tana nervously, as Tana nodded and smiled. It had been a difficult morning for her too. There was no pretending anymore. She wouldn't be coming home again, not for a long, long time. For a few days, a week, a brief trip. But if she managed to hang in at Boalt, she would probably never live at home again. She hadn't had to face that before when she went to Green Hill, or BU, and she was ready to go now. But it was easy to see the panic on Jean's face. It was the same expression she had worn twenty-three years before when Andy Roberts had gone to war. That look that comes of knowing that nothing will ever be the same again. “You won't forget to call me tonight, will you, dear?”
“No, Mother, I won't. But I can't promise after this.” Tana smiled. “If everything I hear is true, I won't come up for air for the next six months.” And she had already warned her that she wouldn't be coming home for Christmas that year. The trip was too expensive anyway. And Jean had resigned herself to that. She was hoping that Arthur might give her a ticket out, but then there would be no hope of spending Christmas with him. Life wasn't easy sometimes. For some, it never was.
They both had a cup of tea, and watched the planes take off as Tana waited for her plane to be called, and she saw her mother staring at her more than once. Twenty-two years of caring for her were officially coming to an end, and it was difficult for both of them. And then suddenly Jean took her hand and looked into her eyes. “Is this what you really want, Tan?”
Tana answered her quietly. “Yes, Mom, it is.”
“You're sure?”
Tana smiled. “I am. I know it seems strange to you, but it really is what I want. I've never been so sure of anything, no matter how hard it is.”
Jean frowned and slowly shook her head before looking at Tana again. It was a strange time to be talking about it, just before she took off, and a strange place, with thousands of people all around, but this was where they were and what was in Jean's heart as she looked into her daughter's eyes again. “It seems more like a career for a man. I just never thought.…”
“I know.” Tana looked sad. “You wanted me to be like Ann.” She was living in Greenwich, near her Dad, and had just had her first child. Her husband was a full partner of Sherman and Sterling now. He drove a Porsche, and she a Mercedes sedan. It was every mother's dream. “That just isn't me. It never was, Mom.”
“But why not?” She didn't understand. Maybe she had gone wrong somewhere. Maybe it was her fault. But Tana was shaking her head quietly.
“Maybe I need more than that. Maybe I need it to be my accomplishment, instead of my husband's. I don't know, but I don't think I could be happy like that.”
“I think Harry Winslow is in love with you, Tan.” Her voice was gentle, but Tana didn't want to hear the words.
“You're wrong, Mom.” It was back to that again. “We love each other dearly, as friends, but he's not in love with me, and I'm not in love with him.” That wasn't what she wanted. She wanted him as her brother, her friend. Jean nodded and said nothing as they called Tana's plane. It was as though she were making a last attempt to change Tana's mind, but there was nothing to change it with, no lifestyle, no man, no overwhelming gift, and nothing would have changed it anyway. She looked into her mother's eyes, and then held her close in a long hug as she whispered in her ear. “Mom, this is what I want. I'm sure. I swear it to you.” It was like leaving for Africa as she said goodbye. As though she were leaving for a different world, a different life, and in a way she was. Her mother looked so grief-stricken that it broke her heart, and Jean's tears flowed unchecked down her cheeks as she waved goodbye and Tana boarded the plane, shouting back, “I'll call you tonight!”