“What?” She was shocked. “He is not!”
“He is. He's just scared to death to scare you off. He told me about the rape, about how you felt about going out with men. He's been biding his time for years, but I don't have any doubt. He has been in love with you for all those years. He admitted it himself.” Harrison's eyes looked sad.
“Oh, my God.” She looked shocked. “But I'm not … I don't … I don't think I ever could.…”
“I suspected that too. But that's between you and him. If he ever does get up the guts to declare himself, you'll have to deal with that yourself. What I wanted to know was how he felt. I know how you feel now. I knew it before I talked to him.” There were tears spilling in her eyes, and suddenly in his, too, as he held her hand even tighter than before. “Darling, I love you more than life itself, but if I walked off with you now, if you'd even be willing to do that with me, it would kill my son. It would break his heart, and maybe destroy something he needs very much right now. I can't do that to him. Nor can you. I really don't think you could.” She was crying openly, and he pulled her into his arms as tears filled his eyes. They had nothing to hide here, or anywhere, only in front of his son. But it was the crudest trick life had played on her so far, the first man she had loved couldn't love her because of his son … who was her best friend, whom she loved, but not like that. She didn't want to do anything that would hurt Harry either, but she was so much in love with Harrison … it was a ghastly evening filled with tears and regrets. She wanted to sleep with him anyway, but he wouldn't let her do that to herself. “The first time that happens to you, after that awful experience you had, should be with the right man.” He was gentle, and loving, and he held her while she cried, and once he almost cried himself. And the next week was the most painful in her life, and at last he left for London again, and Tana felt as though she had been left on the beach. She was alone, with her studies, with Harry again. She went to the hospital every day, took her books with her, and she looked tired and pale and grim. “Boy, you're a pleasure to see. What the hell's wrong with you? Are you sick?” She almost was, over Harrison, but she knew he had been right, no matter how painful it was. They had both done the right thing for someone they loved. And now she was merciless with him, forcing Harry to do what the nurses asked, urging him on, insulting him, cajoling him, encouraging him when he needed it. She was tireless, and devoted beyond anything imaginable, and when Harrison called from halfway around the world, sometimes she would talk to him and she would feel her heart leap again, but he hadn't gone back on his resolve. It was a sacrifice he had made for his son, and Tana had to go along with it. He had given her no choice. Or himself, although he knew that he would never recover from what he felt for her. He only hoped she would. She had a lifetime ahead of her, and hopefully, the right man.
The sun streamed into the room as Harry lay on his bed, trying to read a book. He had already had an hour in the pool and two hours of therapy, and he was sick to death of his schedule. There was a sameness about it all, a tediousness he couldn't stand anymore. He glanced at his watch, knowing Tana would be there soon. He had been at Letterman for more than four months, and she came to see him every day, bringing her stacks of papers and notes, and mountains of books. And almost as soon as he thought of her, the door opened and she walked in. She had lost weight in the past months. She was working too hard at school, and running herself ragged going back and forth between Berkeley and the hospital. His father had offered to buy her a car, but she had absolutely refused to even consider it.
“Hi kid, what's up, or is that rude?” She grinned at him and he laughed.
“You're disgusting, Tan.” But at least he wasn't as sensitive about that anymore. Five weeks before, he had actually made love to a student nurse, a little “creatively” as he had said to his therapist, but with a little imagination here and there, things had gone fairly well for both of them, and he didn't give a damn that she was engaged. True love hadn't been on his mind, and he had no intention of trying beginner's luck on Tan. She meant much, much too much to him, as he had told his dad, and she had enough problems of her own. “What'd you do today?”
She sighed and sat down with a rueful smile. “What do I ever do? Study all night, turn in papers, take exams. Christ, I may not live through another two years of this.”
“Sure you will.” He smiled. She was the light of his life, and he would have been lost without her visits every day.
“What makes you so sure?” Sometimes she doubted it herself, but somehow she always went on. Always. She wouldn't let herself stop. She couldn't let Harry down and she couldn't flunk out of school.
“You've got more guts than anyone I know. You'll make it, Tan.” It was something they gave each other now—courage, faith. When he'd get depressed, she'd stand there and shout at him until he wanted to cry, but she made him try all the things he was supposed to do, and when she thought she couldn't make it through another day of Boalt, he quizzed her for exams, woke her up after she got a little sleep, underlined some of the textbooks for her. And now suddenly he grinned at her. “Besides, law school's not that hard. I've been reading some of that stuff you left here.”
She smiled. That was what she had had in mind. But she looked nonchalant as she turned to him. “Oh yeah, then why don't you give it a try?”
“Why should I bust my hump?”
“What else have you got to do? Except sit on your can, and pinch nurse' aides. And how long will that last? They're going to kick you out of here in June.”
“That's not sure yet.” He looked nervous at the thought. He wasn't sure he was ready to go home. And home where? His father moved around so much, and he couldn't keep up with him now, even if he wanted to. He could go to a hotel, of course, there was the apartment at the Pierre in New York, but that sounded terribly lonely to him.
“You sure don't look excited about going home.” Tana was watching him. She had talked to Harrison in Geneva several days before, and they had discussed the same thing. He called her at least once a week to see how Harry was, and she knew that he still felt the same about her as he had before, and she did for him as well, but they had taken their resolve and there was no turning back anymore. Harrison Winslow would not betray his son. And Tana understood.
“I don't have a home to go to, Tan.” She had thought of it before, but not with any great seriousness, yet she had an idea. Maybe it was time to broach it to him.
“What about moving in with me?”
“In that dismal room of yours?” He laughed and looked horrified at the same time. “Being confined to a wheelchair is bad enough. But living in that dump, I might kill myself. Besides, where would I sleep? On the floor?”
“No, you ass.” She was laughing at him as he made a hideous face. “We could get a place of our own, as long as it's reasonable so I could pay my share too.”
“Like where?” The idea hadn't quite sunk in yet, but it had a certain appeal.
“I don't know … the Haight-Ashbury maybe?” The hippie boom was just taking hold, and she had driven through the Haight only recently. But she was teasing him. Unless one wore flowing robes and were permanently stoned on LSD, it would have been impossible to tolerate living there. “Seriously, we could find something if we looked.”