“How long have you been seeing him?”
“Two months.”
“Why didn't you bring him East?”
Tana took a deep breath and hugged her knees on the single guest bed, her eyes fixed on Jean's. “As a matter of fact, he's visiting his little girls in Washington.” She didn't tell her that she was meeting him in New York the following night. She had let Jean think she was flying back out West. It gave her brownie points for coming home just for a day, and gave her the freedom to float around New York at will with Drew. She didn't want to drag him out to meet her family, especially not with Arthur and his offspring around.
“How long has he been divorced, Tana?” Her mother sounded somewhat vague as she glanced away.
“Awhile.” She lied, and suddenly her mother's eyes dug into her.
“How long?”
“Relax, Mom. He's actually working on it right now. They just filed.”
“How long ago?”
“A few months. For heaven's sake … relax!”
“That's exactly what you shouldn't do.” She got off the foot of Tana's bed and suddenly paced the room nervously, and then stood glaring at Tana again. “And the other thing you shouldn't do is go out with him.”
“What a ridiculous thing to say. You don't even know the man.”
“I don't have to, Tana.” She spoke almost bitterly. “I know the syndrome. The man doesn't even matter sometimes. Unless he's already divorced, with his papers in his hand, steer clear of him.”
“That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. You don't trust anyone, do you, Mom?”
“I'm just a whole lot older than you are, Tan. And as sophisticated as you think you are, I know better than you. Even if he thinks he's going to get divorced, even if he's absolutely sure of it, he may not. He may be so totally wound up in his kids, for all you know, that he just can't divorce his wife. Six months from now, he could go back to her, and you'll be left standing there, in love with him by then, with no way out, and you'll talk yourself into sticking around for two years … five years … ten … and the next thing you know, you'll be forty-five years old, and if you're lucky,” her eyes were damp, “he'll have his first heart attack and need you by then … but his wife may still be alive, and then you'll never have a chance at him. There are some things you can't fight. And most of the time, that's one of them. It's a bond that no one else can break for him. If he breaks it himself, or already has, then more power to you both, but before you get badly hurt, sweetheart, I'd like to see you stay out of it.” Her voice was so compassionate and so sad that Tana felt sorry for her. Her life hadn't been much fun since she and Arthur had gotten married, but she had won him at last, after long, hard, desperately lonely years. “I don't want that for you, sweetheart. You deserve better than that. Why don't you stay out of it for a while, and see what happens to him?”
“Life is too short for that, Mom. I don't have much time to play games with anyone. I have too much else to do. And what difference does it make? I don't want to get married anyway.”
Jean sighed and sat down again. “I don't understand why. What do you have against marriage, Tan?”
“Nothing. It makes sense if you want kids, I guess, or have no career of your own. But I do, I have too much else in my life to be dependent on anyone, and I'm too old for children, now. I'm thirty years old, and I'm set in my ways. I could never turn my life upside down for anyone.” She thought of Harry and Averil's house which looked as though a demolition squad stopped to visit them every day. “It's just not for me.” Jean couldn't help wondering if it was something she had done, but it was a combination of everything, knowing that Arthur had cheated on Marie, seeing how badly her mother had been hurt for so long, and not wanting that for herself, she wanted her career, her independence, her own life. She didn't want a husband and kids, she was sure of it. She had been for years.
“You're missing out on so much.” Jean looked sad. What hadn't she given this child to make her feel like that?
“I just can't see that, Mom.” She searched her mother's eyes for something she saw but didn't understand.
“You're the only thing that matters to me, Tan.” She found that hard to believe and yet for years her mother had sacrificed everything for her, even putting up with Arthur's gifts of charity, just so she would have something more for her child. It tore at Tana's heart to remember that, and it reminded her of how grateful she should be. She hugged her mother tight, remembering the past.
“I love you, Mom. I'm grateful for everything you did for me.”
“I don't want gratitude. I want to see you happy, sweetheart. And if this man is good for you, then wonderful, but if he's lying to you or himself, he'll break your heart. I don't want that for you … ever.…”
“It's not like what happened to you.” Tana was sure of it, but Jean was not.
“How can you know? How can you be sure of that?”
“I just can. I know him by now.”
“After two months? Don't be a fool. You don't know anything, any more than I did twenty-four years ago. Arthur wasn't lying to me then, he was lying to himself. Is that what you want, seventeen years of lonely nights, Tan? Don't do that to yourself.”
“I won't. I've got my work.”
“It's no substitute.” But in her case it was, she substituted it for everything. “Promise me you'll think about what I said.”
“I promise.” She smiled and the two women hugged each other goodnight again. Tana was touched by her mother's concern, but she knew for certain that she was wrong about Drew. She went to sleep with a smile on her face, thinking of him and his little girls. She wondered what he was doing with them. She had the name of his hotel in Washington, but she didn't want to intrude on them.
The Thanksgiving dinner at the Durning home the next day was predictably dull for everyone, but Jean was grateful that Tana was there. Arthur was somewhat vague, and fell asleep twice in his chair, the maid gave him a gentle nudge, and eventually Jean helped him upstairs. Ann arrived with her three brats, who were even worse than they had been several years before. She was talking about marrying a Greek shipping magnate and Tana tried not to listen to her, but it was impossible. The only blessing of the day was that Billy had gone to Florida with friends instead of being there.
And by five o'clock Tana was checking her watch regularly. She had promised Drew she would be at the Carlyle by nine, and they hadn't called each other all day. She was suddenly dying to see him again, to look into his eyes, touch his face, feel his hands, peel away his clothes as she dropped her own. She wore a veiled smile as she went upstairs to pack her bags, and her mother came into the room as she did. Their eyes met in the large mirror over the chest of drawers, and Jean spoke to her first.
“You're going to meet him, aren't you?”
She could have lied to her, but she was thirty years old, what was the point? “Yes.” She turned to face her mother across the room. “I am.”
“You frighten me.”
“You worry about things too much. This isn't a replay of your life, Mother, it's mine. There is a difference.”
“Not always as much as we'd like to think, I'm afraid.”
“You're wrong this time.”
“I hope for your sake that I am.” But she looked grief stricken when Tana finally called a cab, and rode into New York at eight o'clock. She couldn't get her mother's words out of her mind, and by the time she arrived at the hotel, she was angry with her. Why did she burden her with her own bad experiences, her disappointments, her pain? What right did she have to do that? It was like a blanket of cement one had to wear everywhere to prove that one had been loved, well, she didn't want to be loved that much. She didn't need it anymore. She wanted to be left alone to lead her own life now.