“What do you propose I do? Go out on the street and wear a sign? ‘Marry me. Let's have kids.’“ They laughed together, for a moment, just like old times.
“Yeah, asshole, why not?”
“I love you, Harry.” The words sprang from her and she was crying again and he held her tight.
“I'll never really be gone, Tan. You know that. You and I had too much to ever lose that … just like Ave and I do in a different way. I'll be here, keeping an eye on things.” They were crying openly and she didn't think she could live without him. And she could only imagine how Averil felt. It was the most painful time of their lives, and for the next three months, they watched him roll slowly downhill, and on a warm summer day, with the sun high in the sky, she got the call. It was from Jack. There were tears in his voice, and she felt her heart stop. She had seen Harry only the night before. She went to see him every day now, no matter what, at lunchtime or at night, or sometimes before her day began. She never knew how hectic things would get, but she wouldn't give that up. And he had held her hand and smiled just the night before. He could barely talk, but she had kissed his cheek, and suddenly thought of the hospital so long ago. She wanted to shake him back to life, to make him fight for what he had been, but he couldn't anymore, and it was easier to go.
“He just died.” Jack's voice broke, and Tana began to cry. She wanted to see him just once more … to hear him laugh … see those eyes … She couldn't speak for a minute, and then she nodded her head and took a breath to fight back the sobs.
“How's Ave?”
“She seems all right.” Harrison had arrived the week before and he was staying with them. Tana looked at her watch.
“I'll go over there right now. I just called a recess for the afternoon anyway.” She could feel him tense at her words, as though he felt she were showing off for him. But that was what she did. She was a municipal court judge, and she had called a recess. “Where are you?”
“I'm at work. His father just called.”
“I'm glad he was there. Are you going over now?”
“I can't for a little while.” She nodded, realizing that if she had said that, he would have said something unpleasant to her about how important she thought she was. There was no winning with him now and Harry hadn't been able to soften him before he died, no matter how hard he tried. There had been so much he wanted to say, so much to share with those he loved. And it was over so soon. Tana drove over the Bay Bridge with tears streaming down her face, and then suddenly, it was as though she felt him next to her and she smiled. He was gone, but he was everywhere now. With her, with Ave, with his father, his kids …
“Hi, kid.” She smiled into the air as she drove, and the tears continued to flow and when she arrived at the house, he was already gone. They had taken him to prepare him for the services, and Harrison was sitting in the living room, looking stunned. He looked suddenly very old, and Tana realized he was almost seventy now. And with grief etched on his still handsome face, he looked even older than that. She said nothing at all, she just went to him, and they held each other tight, and Averil came out of the bedroom after that, wearing a simple black dress, her blond hair pulled back and her wedding ring on her left hand. Harry had given her some beautiful things from time to time, but she wore nothing now— only her grief and her pride and their love, as she stood surrounded by the life and the home and the children they had shared. She looked oddly beautiful as she stood there, and in a strange way Tana envied her. She and Harry had shared something that few people ever had, for however long, and it had been worth everything to them. And suddenly, for the first time in her life, she felt a void. She was sorry that she hadn't married him a long time before, or someone else … gotten married … had kids … it left an aching hole in her that refused to be filled. All through the services, at the cemetery as they left him there, and afterwards, when she was alone again, she felt something she couldn't have explained to anyone, and when she tried to tell Jack, he shook his head and stared at her.
“Don't go crazy now, Tan, just because Harry died.” She had told him that she suddenly felt her life was a waste because she had never married and had kids. “I've done both, and believe me it doesn't change a damn thing. Don't kid yourself, not everyone has what they did. In fact, I've never known anyone who did, except them. And if you got married looking for that, you'd be disappointed, because it wouldn't be there.”
“How do you know that? It might.” She was disappointed by what he said.
“Take my word for it.”
“You can't make a judgment on that. You knocked up some twenty-one-year-old girl and got married lickety split because you had to. That's different from making an intelligent choice at our age.”
“Are you trying to put pressure on me, Tan?” He suddenly looked angrily at her, and all the handsome blond good looks seemed suddenly drawn and tired. Losing Harry had been rough on him too. “Don't do that to me now. This isn't the time.”
“I'm just telling you what I feel.”
“You feel like shit because your best friend just died. But don't go getting all romantic about it, and the secret of life being marriage and kids. Believe me, it's not.”
“How the hell do you know that? You can't decide for anyone but yourself. Don't try to evaluate things for me, goddammit, Jack,” all her feelings suddenly came rushing out, “you're so fucking scared to give a damn about anyone, you squeak anytime someone comes too close. And you know what? I'm fucking sick of you punishing me all the time because I got made a judge last year!”