“I'm very taken with you, Tana.… I'd like to see rriore of you, but I don't want to complicate your life just now. Will you tell me when you're free?” She nodded, totally amazed by all that she had seen and heard. A little while later, he took her home, and she sat staring into the fire in her living room. He was like the kind of men one read about in books, or saw in magazines. And suddenly there he was, on the threshold of her life, telling her that he was “taken with her,” bringing her roses, walking her through Butterfield's. She didn't know what to make of him, but one thing she knew, and that was that she was “very taken” with him too.
It made things difficult with Jack for the next few weeks. She attempted to spend several nights in Tiburon, almost out of guilt, and all she could think about was Russ, especially when they made love. It was beginning to make her as testy as Jack was with her, and by Thanksgiving she was a nervous wreck. Russ had gone East to see his daughter Lee, and he had invited her to go with him, but that would have been dishonest of her. She had to resolve the situation with Jack, but by the time the holidays came, she felt hysterical every time she thought of him. All she wanted to do was be with Russ, for their quiet talks, their long walks in the Presidio, their ventures into antique shops, art galleries, their long hours over lunch in tiny coffee shops and restaurants. He brought something into her life that had never been there before and which she longed for now, and whenever a problem arose, it was Russ she called, not Jack. Jack would only bark at her. He still had a need to punish her, and it was tiresome now. She wasn't feeling guilty enough to put up with it anymore.
“Why are you hanging on to him?” Russ asked her one day.
“I don't know.” Tana stared miserably at Russ over lunch before court was recessed for the holidays.
“Maybe because in your mind he's attached to your friend.” It was a new idea to her, but she thought it might be a possibility. “Do you love him, Tan?”
“It isn't that … it's that we've been together for so long.”
“That's no excuse. From what you say, you're not happy with him.”
“I know. That's the crazy part. Maybe it's just that it's been so safe.”
“Why?” He pushed her hard sometimes, but it was good for her.
“Jack and I have always wanted the same things … no commitment, no marriage, no kids…”
“Is that what you're afraid of now?”
She took a breath and stared at him. “Yes … I think I am.…”
“Tana,” he reached out and took her hand. “Are you afraid of me?” Slowly, she shook her head, and then he said what she had both feared and wanted most. She had wanted it since they'd met, since she'd first looked into his eyes. “I want to marry you. Do you know that?” She shook her head, and then stopped and nodded it, and they both laughed, she with tears in her eyes.
“I don't know what to say.”
“You don't have to say anything. I just wanted to make things clear for you. And now you have to clear up the other situation, for your own peace of mind, whatever you decide about us.”
“Wouldn't your daughters object?”
“It's my life, not theirs, isn't it? Besides, they're lovely girls, there's no reason for them to object to my happiness.” Tana nodded her head. She felt as though she were living a dream.
“Are you serious?”
“Never more so in my life.” His eyes met hers and held. “I love you very much.” He hadn't even kissed her yet, and she felt herself melting toward him where they sat. And as they left the restaurant, he gently pulled her towards him and kissed her lips, and she felt as though her heart would melt as he held her in his arms.
“I love you, Russ.” The words were suddenly so easy for her. “I love you so much.” She looked up at him and there were tears in her eyes and he smiled down at her.
“I love you too. Now go straighten out your life, like a good girl.”
“It may take a little time.” They walked slowly back towards City Hall. She had to go back to work.
“That's all right. How about two days?” They both laughed. “We could go to Mexico over the holidays.”
She cringed. She had already promised Jack she would go skiing with him. But she had to do something now. “Give me till the first of the year and I promise I'll straighten everything out.”
“Then maybe I'll go to Mexico alone.” He frowned pensively and she glanced worriedly at him. “What are you worried about, little one?”
“That you'll fall in love with someone else.”
“Then hurry up.” He laughed at her, and kissed her again before she went back to court. And all afternoon she sat on the bench with a strange expression in her eyes, a small smile on her lips. She couldn't concentrate on anything, and when she saw Jack that night, she felt breathless every time she looked at him. He wanted to know if she had all her skiing gear. The condo was rented and they were going with friends, and then suddenly halfway through the evening, she stood up and looked at him.
“What's wrong, Tan?”
“Nothing … everything.…” She closed her eyes. “I have to go.”
“Now?” He looked furious. “Back to town?”
“No.” She sat down and started to cry. Where could she begin? What could she say? He had finally driven her away, with his resentment of her work and her success, his bitterness, his unwillingness to commit. She wanted something now that he didn't have to give, and she knew she was doing the right thing, but it was so difficult. She stared unhappily up at him, sure of what she was doing now. She could almost feel Russ sitting next to her, and Harry on the other side, cheering her on. “I can't.” She looked at Jack and he stared at her.
“Can't what?” He was mystified. She wasn't making any sense and that was unusual for her.
“Can't go on like this.”
“Why not?”
“Because it's no good for either of us. You've been pissed at me for the past year, and I've been miserable.…” She stood up and walked across the room, glancing at familiar things. This house had been part hers for two years, and now it looked like a stranger's house to her. “I want more than this, Jack.”
“Oh, Christ.” He sat down, looking furious. “Like what?”
“Like something permanent, like what Harry and Averil had.”
“I told you, you'll never find something like that. That was them. And you're not like Averil, Tan.”
“That's no excuse to give up. I still want someone for the rest of my life who's mine, who's willing to stand up in front of God and man and take me on for the rest of my life.…”
He looked at her, horrified. “You want me to marry you? I thought we agreed.…” He looked terrified but she shook her head and sat down again.
“Relax, we did, and that isn't what I want from you. I want out, Jack, I think it's time.” He was silent for a long, long time, he knew it too, but it hurt anyway. And it spoiled all his plans for the holidays.
He looked up at her. “This is why I believe what I do. Because sooner or later it comes to an end. And it's easier like this. I pack my bag, you pack yours, we say goodbye, and we hurt for a while, but at least we never lied to each other, and we're not dragging along a flock of kids.”
“I'm not even sure that would be so terrible. At least we'd know how much we'd cared.” She looked sad, as though she had lost someone dear to her, and she had. She had cared about him for a long time.