“Yes. Now will you worry more?”
“Yes. Of course.”
“You're silly, but I love you anyway.” She threw her arms around her neck, gave her a kiss, and disappeared into her room to turn the music up even louder, as Jean winced, and then found that she was singing along. She had certainly heard it all often enough, but by the time Tana finally turned it off and reappeared, wearing a white dress with big black polka dots and a wide black patent leather belt, with black and white spectator shoes, Jean was suddenly struck by how pleasant the silence sounded. And at the same moment she realized how quiet the apartment would be once Tana was gone, too much so. It would be tomblike when Tana was away.
“Have a good time.”
“I will. I'll be home early.”
“I won't count on it.” Her mother smiled. At eighteen, she no longer had a curfew. Jean knew better than that, and Tana was reasonable most of the time. Jean heard her come in that night, around eleven thirty. She knocked softly on Jean's door, whispered “I'm home,” and went on to her own room, and Jean turned over and went to sleep.
The next day was one that Jean Roberts would long remember, with the long line of innocent looking young girls strung together with garlands of daisies, the boys coming in solemnly behind them, all of them singing in unison, their voices raised, so young, so strong, so powerful, and all of them so new and fresh, as though they were about to be born into the world, a world full of politics and ruses and lies and heartbreaks, and all of it out there, waiting to hurt them. Jean knew that life would never be as simple for them again, as the tears rolled slowly down her cheeks, and they filed slowly out of the auditorium, their voices raised together for a last time. She was embarrassed that a single sob escaped her, but she was not alone, and the fathers cried as hard as their wives, and suddenly all was pandemonium, and the graduates were shouting and cheering in the hallway, kissing and hugging, and making promises that couldn't possibly be fulfilled, to come back, to travel together, to never forget … to always … forever … next year … someday … Quietly, Jean watched them, and most especially Tana, her face alight, her eyes almost an emerald green, and all of them so excited, so happy, so pure.
Tana was still bubbling over with excitement that night when they went to “21,” where they ate a delicious dinner, and Jean surprised her by ordering champagne. Generally, she wasn't much in favor of Tana drinking. Her own experience with her parents and Marie Durning still frightened her, especially for someone as young as Tana, but graduation day was an exception. And after the champagne, she handed Tana the little box from Arthur. He had had Jean pick it out for him, like all the presents he gave, even those to his own children. Inside was a beautiful gold bangle which Tana slipped on her wrist with cautious pleasure.
“That was nice of him, Mom.” But she didn't look overly excited. They both knew the reasons why, and Tana did not discuss it now. She didn't want to upset her mother. And by week's end, Tana had lost a major battle to her mother. She couldn't stand hearing about it anymore, and she had finally agreed to go to Billy Durning's party. “But this is the last time I'm going to one of their parties. Is that a deal?”
“Why do you have to be so rigid, Tana? It's nice of them to invite you.”
“Why?” Tana's eyes flashed, and her tongue was too quick to control. “Because I'm an employee's daughter? Does that make it a special favor from the almighty Durnings? Like inviting the maid?” Tears quickly filled Jean's eyes, and Tana stalked into her room, furious with herself for losing her temper. But she couldn't stand the way her mother felt about the Durnings, not just Arthur, but Ann and Billy too. It was nauseating, as though every little word or gesture were some giant favor to be grateful for. And Tana knew all too well what Billy's parties were like. She had suffered through them before, with too much drinking, too much necking, everybody getting fresh, getting drunk. She hated going to his parties. And tonight was no different.
A friend of his who lived nearby picked her up in a red Corvette he had gotten from his father, and he drove to Greenwich driving eighty miles an hour to impress her, which it didn't, and she arrived feeling as annoyed as she had when she left her apartment. She was wearing a white silk dress, with flat white shoes, and her long slim legs looked particularly graceful as she climbed out of the low slung car, tossing her hair over her shoulder, glancing around, knowing that she would know no one at all. She had particularly hated coming to their parties when she was younger, and the children had pointedly ignored her, but it was easier now. Three boys in madras jackets made a beeline for her, and offered to get her a gin and tonic, or whatever else might be her pleasure. She was noticeably vague and managed to get lost in the crowd,anxious to ditch the boy who had driven her out there. She wandered in the garden for half an hour, wishing she hadn't come, and watching clumps of giggling girls, drinking beer or gin and tonics, the boys watching them. A little while later the music started, and couples began forming, and within half an hour the lights were dim, bodies were chafing happily, and Tana even noticed several couples strolling outside. It was only then that she finally saw Billy Durning. He had been nowhere when they arrived. He walked over to her, and seemed to be giving her a cool appraisal. They had met often enough before, but he always looked her over again, as though he might buy her. It made her angry at him every time she saw him, and tonight was no exception.
“Hello, Billy.”
“Hi. Shit, you're tall.” As a greeting it didn't excite her, and anyway he was considerably taller than she was, what was the point? But she noticed then that he was staring at the fullness of her breasts and for a minute she wanted to kick him, and then gritting her teeth, she decided to make one stab at good manners, for her mother's sake, if nothing else.
“Thank you for inviting me tonight.” But her eyes said she didn't mean it.
“We can always use more girls.” Like cattle. So many head … so many tits … legs … crotches.…
“Thanks.”
He laughed at her and shrugged. “Want to go outside?” She was about to turn him down, and then figured, why not? He was two years older than Tana, but he usually acted as though he were ten. Except ten years old with drinking. He grabbed her arm, and led her through the unfamiliar bodies until they reached the Durnings' elaborate garden which led, eventually, to the pool house, where Billy was camping with his friends. They had already burned a table and two chairs the night before, and Billy had told them to cool it or his old man would kill them. But unable to stand the torture of living in any kind of proximity with Billy, Arthur had wisely moved to the country club for the next week. “You should see the mess we're making.” He grinned, waving at the pool house in the distance, and Tana felt annoyance sweep over her, knowing that it would be her mother's job to replace everything they damaged, to set it to rights again, and also to calm Arthur down when he saw the mess they left behind them when they moved on.
“Why don't you just try not to behave like animals?” She looked sweetly at him, and for a moment he was shocked, and then suddenly, something evil and angry glinted in his eyes as he glared back at her.
“That's a dumb thing to say, but I guess you were always dumb, weren't you? If my old man hadn't paid to keep you at that fancy school in New York, you'd probably have wound up in some public school whorehouse on the West Side, giving your teacher a blow job.” She was so shocked that for a moment she was breathless as she stared at him, and then wordlessly, she turned and walked away, as behind her, she could hear him laugh. What an evil little bastard he was, she thought to herself, as she fought her way back into the house, noticing that the crowd had thickened considerably in the past half hour, and that most of the guests were several years older than she was, especially the girls. She saw the boy who had driven her out from town, a little while later, his fly open, his eyes red, his shirttail out, and there was a girl frantically sliding her hands over his body as they shared a half-full bottle of scotch. Tana looked at them in despair, and knew that she had just lost her ride back to the city. There was no way she would have driven anywhere with anyone that drunk. Which left the option of the train, or finding someone sober, which did not, for the moment at least, appear likely.