But first things first. My daughter needed me.
I sighed and crossed the room to pick my baby girl up. She clutched me immediately, and I softly rubbed her back as I rocked her in my arms.
“Ava, baby, Daddy’s here,” I whispered. Then I started crooning “Blue Moon,” singing until she settled against my shoulder. She hiccupped once or twice then let out the sweetest sigh.
“Mommy’s sad,” she whispered, and my heart shattered.
All the while, Sierra paid us no attention. In that moment, I wanted to hate her.
But how can you hate the one you love more than your own life?
The answer?
You don’t.
You examine your heart. You identify with how badly she’s hurting. You don’t try to fix her. You don’t push. You simply be. And, moving forward, that’s what I did for Sierra.
I was.
I was there, and I always would be.
And, when she was ready, she’d reach her arms out and take hold of her family again.
At least, I hoped that’s what would happen.
Somewhere off in the distance, I could hear a child crying.
It sounded like a baby’s cry. I squeezed my eyes shut. Why was there this constant cruel reminder of what I’d lost?
It wasn’t until Jeremy was cursing and scooping Ava up that I realized the cries were hers.
Oh, God.
What kind of mother was I?
Something in the recesses of my mind tried telling me to snap out of it. That we’d be okay. I’d be okay. But, like a foggy windowpane, nothing was clear. There was no end in sight to the pain that was stabbing my heart.
I missed my husband. I missed my baby girl. But, even so, I had no idea how I was supposed to come back to them in one piece. Or if I even could. Would I ever be whole again, or would I spend the rest of my life with missing pieces in my heart?
As if reading my mind, Jeremy crossed the room and brought his thumb to my chin, tilting it up so I was looking at him. I blinked, and through my haze, I finally saw him for the first time in weeks. Shame prickled when I recognized the anguish in his eyes. He was living with this pain just like I was, yet he was still doing that.
Living.
“Sierra, I love you, and I’ll do whatever it takes. Anything you need. But I can’t do this on my own. If you need someone to watch Ava while I’m at work, I can ask your mom. Whatever you want, whatever you need. But I refuse walking into another scene like this one again.”
My heart faltered. My initial reaction was to scream, “Yes!” and I hated myself for it. Guilt burned deep in my belly, and I was so tired of feeling that way. Jeremy was reaching out to me, and after weeks of pushing him away, I realized how tired I was. How much I missed him. And he was right. He couldn’t do this on his own. Neither could I.
So I blinked twice, shook my head, and watched as he exhaled a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Jeremy’s expression softened, and he shifted a now-sleeping Ava to his other shoulder. “Baby, you don’t have to be sorry. For anything. Just be here. That’s all we need.”
I nodded and let his words sink in deep. It’d take some time and a whole lot of effort, but I promised myself that I would do as Jeremy had requested. I’d be there.
Then, for the first time in weeks, he placed Ava in my arms. She settled into my embrace, giving off a sweet sigh.
And, for the first time in weeks, I smiled. It wasn’t overwhelmingly big or bright, but it was enough.
Eventually, we’d be okay. I just needed to remember that.
AFTER MY EXCHANGE WITH Jeremy, I’d like to say things got easier, but they didn’t. I did, however, try harder to be present. Little did I know, our worlds were about to be rocked in an entirely different heartbreaking way.
I’ll never forget the day I got the phone call. Jeremy was getting ready for work, and Ava was unusually still fast asleep. I was making his coffee and preparing his lunch, trying to get myself back into a routine, hoping it’d put me back in a place of normalcy.
I had no idea that, when I picked up my phone, Mom would be hysterical and sobbing on the other line. Dad had to take the phone from her, and even he could barely choke the words out.
“Sierra… There’s been an accident. Oh, God.” He paused, and I could hear their sniffles. “Sweetheart, it’s Ty. He’s…he’s gone.”
My breath caught. “What?” I asked, hoping it was some kind of sick joke.
“Car accident. Lexi’s in a coma in Indiana,” he continued.
The phone slipped from my fingers, clattering to the counter as I braced myself against it. Jeremy must’ve seen the look of pure shock on my face, and instant panic set in on his. He rushed across the room and snatched the phone up. I barely heard his hushed whispers. I was in a daze, already going through the motions of getting my things together because we had to hit the road immediately.
They say terrible things come in threes, and I was terrified that the saying was going to come true for our family. First, it was my unborn baby. Now, it was Ty. And the third… It could be my baby sister.
Jeremy got off the phone and found me in the room, packing an overnight bag. He crossed the room and pulled me into his embrace before placing a kiss on the top of my head.
“Jeremy.” Tears overpowered my resolve and I clutched him tight, sobbing into his chest, giving myself a moment before I calmed myself as best I could. When I looked up at him, his own eyes were swimming with devastated tears.
He nodded, and his jaw tightened—he had no words. I didn’t, either. So, instead, we dropped Ava off with his parents, who’d moved to Ohio when Ava was born, and made our way to Indiana, unaware of what was going to greet us.
Lexi was battered and bruised, but she was alive. For three excruciatingly long days, I sat by her bedside. Not eating. Not sleeping. Not feeling a thing. Even when Jeremy tried to coax me to a hotel, I refused.
And then, finally, Lexi opened her eyes. It was a blessing and a curse. A blessing because my sister had lived. A curse because I saw the devastation in her eyes when she found out about Ty.
She wished she hadn’t.
She didn’t think I understood when I tried to calm her or soothe her pain. She’d come to say as much. But that was my own fault. She had no idea I’d been dealing with my own loss. And she had no idea how much hers would affect my future.
Two weeks later, Lexi was settling in at home. I wanted her to stay with me and Jeremy, and Mom wanted her to stay at their house, but she insisted she go home and get back to normal, even though her normal would never be the same. I understood, which was why I didn’t push it. She wanted to be in the place where she had her memories. So, instead of disagreeing, I showed up every morning for coffee, even if she didn’t want me around.
Most of the time, she was curled up on the couch in Ty’s old robe. She wasn’t very mobile due to her injuries, and she claimed all she wanted to do was watch mind-numbing television. She didn’t talk about him. Ever. Not even after she’d found out that his mother had held a funeral before she’d even been awake. She didn’t say a word when I told her about Jeremy threatening to steal his damaged body until Lexi was able to say her proper goodbyes. When we’d told her about the funeral, she’d simply blinked back tears and nodded. The dazed expression she had when she’d woken up returned. She’d lost her husband and the chance to ever say a proper goodbye.