I’d never been more heartbroken in my life.
When she grabbed a bottle of wine from the pantry, I raised an eyebrow.
“Aren’t you still on pain medication?” I asked.
She scoffed. “Who cares? It’s all the same. It takes away the pain. Or, at least, it’s supposed to.” She poured herself a healthy glass then lifted it in the air as if to toast. “To twenty-six-year-old widows.”
“Lexi,” I whispered and watched as her face scrunched up.
“I’m twenty-six, Sierra! I’m not supposed to be a widow. Ty’s supposed to be here, growing old with me. We were supposed to have the rest of our lives together. Now, I have nothing! I have no one!” she wailed, her shoulders shaking as her sobs racked through her. “All I have left of Ty is a fucking cat I never wanted.”
Toby meowed then rubbed his legs against Lexi as if he hadn’t heard a word. I had to bite my lower lip to keep my own sob from bubbling up. The last thing she needed was my own sadness. When she looked up at me, the urge to cry was even stronger. Her eyes were rimmed with red, her face stained with tears.
“I love that fucking cat. He’s all I have left of Ty.” She sniffled. Then her eyes met mine. “Part of me is glad it happened instantaneously. That he didn’t suffer for a single second. But I never got to say goodbye. I’ll never…” She broke down, leaving her sentence unfinished.
The truth was I echoed her sentiment. As hard as it was, if it had been Ty’s time to go, I was glad he’d gone quickly.
“Sierra, do you… Do you think he knew how much I loved him?”
Her question startled me. I couldn’t believe she was finally talking about him.
“Of course—” I began, but she cut me off.
“No!” Her outburst took me aback. “You don’t understand. We’d been fighting that day. We were supposed to be leaving for a romantic weekend getaway, but instead, we were arguing in the car. What if he left this Earth with me mad at him? And him mad at me?”
My heart shattered. God, time was so precious, and life was so cruel.
I hurried to her and wrapped her in my arms. “Oh, honey. He knew. No matter how bad you fought, Ty always knew how much you loved him. And he loved you so much. So, so much.”
She clung to me, hanging on for dear life. If she needed me to be her lifeline, I’d gladly do it.
“He did,” she said with a hiccup. “He gave me what I always wanted, you know. I wanted what you and Jeremy had, and with Ty, he gave me that.”
“I know, honey. I know. It’s all going to be okay.” The words sounded hollow even in my ears, but it was all I could say.
She shook her head. “No, Sierra, you’re wrong. I’ll never be okay again.”
Lexi thought that was the truth. And, as she laid her head on my shoulder and settled in, the shards of my shattered heart cut deep.
The whole time, I couldn’t get my mind off my own family and how thankful I was to still have a loving husband and a beautiful daughter. I wanted to run home, hold Ava for hours, and never let her go. I’d spend my night thanking God for my beautiful family and promising to cherish them for the rest of my life.
I probably should’ve felt shame for finding my own sense of peace in the wake of Lexi’s chaos, but I didn’t. It’d be a long process for me, but it finally hit me. I had Jeremy. I had Ava. Though the loss of our unborn baby was devastating, I had to hold on to them.
Lexi’s situation opened my eyes, took away all the haze, and allowed me to see clearly again. I couldn’t wallow in my grief and let life pass me by. The loss of Ty taught me that and so much more.
Love was constant. Love was also fleeting. In the blink of an eye, love could be taken away, ripped from a tight embrace, never to return. I needed to hold on to those I loved most. I needed to return to the land of the living, because I was now firmly aware that we had to live each moment as if it were our last. And my last moments weren’t going to be in a daze, holding my husband and my daughter at arm’s length.
Ever since we’d gotten home from the hospital, I’d clung to Jeremy. We’d witnessed the aftermath of a love lost, and at the end of the day, we held each other a little tighter. I might not have been over our loss, but Lexi’s had put mine into perspective. I still had my husband. I still had our beautiful baby girl. I knew part of me would always grieve, but I also knew I had to celebrate living with those who were still with me. It was going to be a long, difficult road, surely full of bumps we’d hit along the way, but I had the greatest support team. I just had to remember that.
I learned that, when life hands you lessons, you don’t turn your back on them. You heed the call; you learn. I was going to do that. Ty’s death was a wakeup call. I couldn’t help but wonder what if it had happened to me. To Jeremy. What if I’d lost him after I’d shut him out for far too long? I would’ve never forgiven myself, and I knew, no matter how much pain I was going through, I needed to reach out and take hold of my precious family, thankful they were still with me.
When I got home from Lexi’s, all was quiet. Light illuminated the living room, and I tiptoed in to see Jeremy and Ava curled up on the couch. Jaws—yes, Jaws—was on the television. Pain burned as a vivid memory of Ty and Ava curled upon that very couch flashed in my mind. I shook it out of my head and focused on the two in front of me. Jeremy was sound asleep; Ava was not. Her eyes lit up when she saw me and sleepily lifted her arms, giving me a grin that matched her father’s.
I smiled and sighed.
How could I ever not love my life?
She leapt into my arms, giggling as she snuggled into me. “Missed you, Mommy,” she whispered.
A silent tear slid down my cheek. Her words weren’t lost on me, even if she meant them simply. I’d missed me, too. I’d missed this.
So, when she insisted I read her a bedtime story, I took my time with Goodnight Moon and watched her for a while after she had fallen fast asleep. I would never take this for granted again.
Jeremy was still passed out on the couch when I finally left Ava’s room. I went to our own and prepared myself in the shower before slipping on my sexiest teddy. It had been far too long since I’d made love with my husband, and I was fixing that now.
Showered, shaved, plucked, and lotioned, I was primed and ready. My body ached as need hit me. Too many weeks had passed since the last time I’d given Jeremy any form of intimacy, and now my body wanted him in the worst way.
So, the moment I stepped out of the bathroom to wake him up, my nipples pebbled when I saw him standing in the bedroom, rubbing his eyes.
“Holy shit. Am I dreaming?” he asked sleepily before tossing me a grin and crossing to me. He turned me around to face the mirror beside the dresser, slipping his arms around my waist and placing his hands on my belly. “I’ve missed you, baby,” he whispered as he nuzzled against my neck.
We stood there in silence, facing the mirror. I was looking at our reflection; he was raptly staring at me.
I was the luckiest woman in the world, and I’d never forget it.
Turning around, I wove my arms around his neck and gazed up into his eyes. “You’re my sun, too, Jeremy. Without you, there’s no me. You’re the light in my life, and for too long, I’ve been in the dark. Bring me back into your orbit. Please,” I whispered. Then I bit my lip, hoping I hadn’t pushed him too far away.
When he grinned down at me, I knew I hadn’t.
When he swooped me up into his arms and carried me to the bed, my belly tightened with anticipation.
When he slowly sank into me and closed his eyes, savoring our connection, I knew I was home.
Back where I belonged. I would never leave again.
And, later on, when Jeremy held me tight, I realized how we had to grieve. Just like we did everything else—together.