‘For a moment, I thought you were dead,’ Elsa said.
Konrad rose up and shifted uneasily on the cot. It had been a long time since he had heard the voice of a woman, any woman, and his apparent teenage-like nervousness appeared to amuse Elsa.
‘I’m not going to bite you,’ Elsa giggled as she patted the bars between them. ‘Even if I could.’
Konrad replied. ‘I assume those bars are there for your protection.’
‘I rather think they were designed to keep us girls away from you men!’
The couple laughed. The ice broken, Konrad began to relax. Pointedly he rested his legs upon his hands, an old trait he always exhibited when he was confronted with new companions and surroundings.
‘Can I ask then, why I’ve been lavished with your attention?’ he asked.
‘I just wanted to say I’m sorry,’ Elsa simply stated. Her eyes lingered upon his bruised cheeks and his swollen lips.
‘Sorry?’ Konrad said. ‘Sorry, for what?’
‘It was because of me that bastard Brutus nearly killed you.’
Konrad smiled. ‘For all my efforts, I seem to remember you successfully dealt with that animal in your own indubitable fashion.’
‘Being imprisoned at Neu Magdeburg taught me to be tough a long time ago,’ Elsa said flatly. ‘Still, I could have saved my guardian angel earlier than I did,’ she said as she reached through the bars once again to touch his face. Her fingers remained upon his wounds. Her movements weren’t erotic; in fact, her intentions were entirely the opposite, but Konrad’s skin crackled under her touch.
‘A guardian angel!’ Konrad chuckled. ‘I’m honoured. During all my life I’ve been called just about every name under the sun, but I have to admit being called a guardian angel is the most unusual.’
‘I’ve had numerous aliases since I was sentenced,’ she sighed. ‘Slut, bitch, whore, slag, pig, sow, animal.’ The resentment was clear in her voice. ‘I’ve been called them all, but what makes it so funny, so ironic, is the fact that the men who called me those things always abused me at the very moment when they were gaining the most pleasure from my body. I suppose they said it to make themselves feel better. If they abused me while they fucked me it would absolve them of any guilt they experienced. In their eyes they were performing bestiality.’
‘You were imprisoned in the fräuenblock then?’
Elsa nodded. ‘I gained an extensive knowledge of the guards of the camp, and the ship’s crew before we blasted off.’
‘And before you were there?’ Konrad asked.
Elsa sighed as she dredged up memories that perhaps she’d suppressed for years behind that erotic façade she exhibited up on stage. The memories of her past life would have normally stayed hidden away, but being confronted by Konrad her mask suddenly started to fall away. She felt she could open up and tell this man anything.
‘In the eyes of our beloved Reich I was a murderer. But in my own eyes I simply made a choice,’ Elsa said.
‘A choice?’
‘Between my head and my heart. I had an abortion,’ she said.
Konrad instantly regretted asking Elsa to reveal her past. This dose of harsh reality punctured his image of her that had been built up during the series of fantasies and dreams that involved this woman.
‘Before I committed my crime I was a violinist with the Wagner orchestra in Bayreuth.’ Elsa pressed herself closer to the bars like a pious parishioner inside a confessional box. ‘I was a member of the orchestra for over five years, performing all over Germany and the Eastern territories. We also had the pleasure of being asked to play in Paris, Rome and London. We even toured America on a goodwill tour shortly before I was arrested. The orchestra played Carnegie Hall in New York for a week to full houses every night. Standing ovations, cheers, endless encores. It was delightful.
‘Anyway, as you can imagine, I had to work very hard to gain my place on the orchestra. My mother and father saved every Reichsmark they had to send me to music classes, then to the correct schools to gain the necessary scholarships. Eventually we all moved from our home in Leipzig to Bayreuth to be nearer to the orchestra. To absorb the power of Wagner in the words of my father. But even after I had won my place I felt I had to work twice as hard to keep it. You have to remember that a woman’s place in the Reich is in the home, breeding the next generation of Nazis and not performing to the masses. Men can spread culture, but not women.’
‘So how did you end up having an abortion?’ Konrad asked.
‘I was content at the orchestra. I was happy. But over the years I’d seen numerous women gain coveted spots only for them to leave after they had become pregnant or married, so I decided early on, that both of these fates wouldn’t befall me. However, love reared its head and changed everything.
‘I met Gustav Volt at the orchestra,’ Elsa then continued. ‘He played in the wind section; I played in the string section. He was sweet, kind and handsome. Over time our eyes would meet while we played, then eventually, our eyes would meet in bed. Needless to say, I fell pregnant with his child. As you can imagine, I was horrified at the prospect, and so I decided to keep my pregnancy secret from Gustav. I knew full well how he’d react if he ever found out about the unborn child. He would have reacted like a good German. He would have expected me to leave the orchestra, marry him and care for the child at home while he continued to do what he loved – what I loved to do.
‘As I said, I knew of other woman who had found themselves in the same dilemma as I found myself in, so I discreetly asked around for help. Eventually I was pointed in the direction of a doctor who, for a price, would perform the abortion and rid me of the child. So, under the pretext of visiting some friends in Weimar, I made my way to the doctor’s clinic, signed in under a false name and ended the pregnancy there and then.’
‘I assume the authorities found out.’
‘They did,’ Elsa said sadly. ‘It turned out Gustav wasn’t as faithful a lover as I thought. I wasn’t the only woman in the orchestra who found him kind and handsome. My friend Geli, also fell for his charms. Her desire to be with Gustav far outweighed our friendship.
‘She just so happened to be one of the women who I confided my problem to, and I think out of sheer spite and to ensure that Gustav belonged solely to her she denounced me to the Gestapo.’ Tears started to well up as Elsa completed her confession. ‘I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had kept the child. I’d like to think that he or she would have loved me forever and not abandoned me like I abandoned them. Therefore, perhaps I do deserve my punishment; after all, I did choose to become a murderer.’
Konrad offered no reply. He quickly realised that nothing he could say or do would alleviate the pain and guilt evident in Elsa’s face. This moment of pain for her further changed the idealised image he’d built around her, and despite the revelations, his need to be with her remained as strong as ever.
For a few moments the prisoners remained silent until Elsa eventually turned to face Konrad again, the tears buried once again beneath her hard exterior. ‘Tell me something, and please be honest with me,’ she said.
‘I’ll try,’ Konrad replied.
‘Would you still have tried to help me if you had known what I had done?’
‘You want the truth?’
Elsa nodded firmly. ‘Absolutely.’
‘Yes,’ Konrad stated without hesitation.
‘Why?’
Konrad was tempted to confess all to Elsa about her haunting appearances in his dreams and with it, his unspoken attraction for her, but he settled for another underlying reason. A reason, that perhaps, when the animal instincts and emotion were removed from the equation, was the real reason he attempted to save her from Brutus. He reached through the bars and grabbed her hand. It felt shockingly warm in his grasp, and despite being as roughly hewn as his own, Elsa’s hand felt wonderfully feminine.