It has been nearly a month since that moment at Bettina’s house, the last time I saw Cedric.
I had told his mother that night, after he left, that I couldn’t talk about what happened and asked her to kindly not mention it again. I assured her, though, that I would not be leaving my job with Callie and while still confused, she seemed relieved to hear that.
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I heard from him only one time after that night, in a text I received a few days later, as I sat in my bathtub soaking away the pain of losing him, a pain like none I had ever felt, aside from losing my mother.
The Monday night of the text, I had run a bath after returning from my shift with Lucas. As I sat in the water, my body ached for Cedric’s touch as much as my heart ached. This feeling is what I imagined with-drawal from heroin might be like. My phone chimed and I lifted out of the water to check it when I saw that the text was from Cedric.
Allison…please forgive me. All
of this…it’s not what you think. I will
explain it to you someday. Please just
know, that you mean so much to me.
Why?
Fuck you, Cedric.
Fuck you for hurting me so much.
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I didn’t return the text. Instead, the glass on my iPhone shattered after I threw it across the bathroom and it landed on the tile floor.
A flood of tears poured out of my eyes and my body shook uncontrollably.
How I wanted to go back a few weeks in time and stay there forever. I had so much hope for the future then, so much love in my heart for that man. So much love…after such a short time. I had been sure it was love, not lust, and now I wasn’t sure I could ever trust my own judgment ever again.
I felt faint as I sat in the hot bathwa-ter, but had no strength to get up. I had eaten barely a morsel since that day and would have to face Cedric’s mother tomorrow to work with Callie for the first time since the last encounter. I had considered giving my notice then, but decided that I would not let Cedric take away the one good thing I had left, so I was determined to find a 451/727
way to compartmentalize the two things. Callie shouldn’t have to pay for her asshole brother’s mistake.
I had no idea what was really going on with him and what his mother now knew, though . Here’s what I knew: her son abandoned me and there was, as he admitted,
‘someone else.’
The text confused me, though, because he claimed ‘it wasn’t what I thought’.
What the hell was it, then? I think admitting that there was someone else, makes it pretty damn clear what is going on.
Whatever the exact reason, he had hurt me so deeply that it was beyond repair.
I was at least glad he didn’t prolong our relationship even further. God knows where I’d be then.
Now, a month later, after weeks of not eating and sleeping, the wrath of Cedric was just starting to really take its toll.
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“Al…Al…wake up…you’re going to be late for work.” I heard Sonia shouting as I lay in bed, having slept through my alarm, yet again. I had been awake so much in the middle of the night lately that I would finally fall back asleep about four in the morning, only to have to wake up an hour later for the diner job.
Sonia hugged me as finally sat up.
“Al, you know you are going to have to talk to me about it some point, don’t you?
“Sonia, like I told you…talking about it isn’t going to change anything. There is nothing to say. Cedric left me for someone else…if we were even ever together at all. My life is back to being shit and I am alone again…end of story,” I said hoarsely.
“You’re not alone…you have me, Bitch. But that Bastard…you were so happy for the first time since I have known you and he seemed to think you were the bees knees…he wrote a fucking rap song for you, 453/727
for Christ’s sake. I just don’t get it. I mean…I could see in his eyes how into you he was. I just don’t know what to believe in, anymore.
I’d like to cut his balls off and—” Sonia stopped talking, shook her head and grabbed a brush and started brushing my hair.
“You know I brush my own hair, right?” I said.
Sonia ignored me and kept brushing.
“Sure, darling, I do. Just let me.” Tears quietly fell down my cheek as Sonia continued to brush my hair as I wondered what my life had come to.
When I got up from the bed, Sonia gasped.
She didn’t have to say anything, I knew what she was thinking as she covered her mouth with her hand.
I looked over at my reflection at the mirror on my closet door. I could see my ribs. As the loss of Cedric ate away at me, I wasn’t eating and had dropped ten pounds.
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Thinner than I could ever remember being, I was starting to look like Olive Oil. My roommate’s frightened face was the wakeup call I needed.
*** By the second month A.C. (“After Cedric”), I had gained about five of the pounds back and was getting back into life a bit.
Bright Horizons had given me another autistic client, a child this time, a ten-year-old boy whom I worked with on Saturday mornings.
Gabriel was a sweetheart and I mostly took him out shopping and accompanied his family on other outings. I didn’t have to dress in costume for this one, nor was I dating his brother, so it was a fairly low-key, stress-free assignment. Gabriel liked to snuggle and sniff my hair and would 455/727
occasionally pull a chunk of it out abruptly and stare at it proudly in his hands. I let him do it, because he was a good boy and a great distraction on otherwise lazy Saturday mornings when I had too much time to think about Cedric or rather the fact that Cedric had disappeared off the face of the Earth.
And I was still working with Callie, whose beautiful face continued to be a stark reminder of what I lost.
One Tuesday afternoon at Bettina’s house, we were sitting down to dinner. I was holding the fork in Callie’s hand as she attempted to eat homemade macaroni and cheese. She knew how to use a fork, but liked to eat the pinwheel pasta with her hands, so my job was to deter her from doing that.
Bettina was watching me intently as I picked Callie’s pasta up one by one as the pieces fell off the fork and placed each piece back in the bowl, prompting her to use the fork.
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Bettina then startled me with a question.
“Allison…my son won’t tell me…will you?” she asked.
My heart ached at the mere mention of Cedric. It was as if he were dead until his mother mentioned him, reminding me that he was out there somewhere. He was very much alive and not telling her anything either, apparently. I was surprised it took her so long to bring up the subject again, but was glad she hadn’t…until now.
I looked at her silently, and then cleared my throat.
“Bettina…I
don’t
know
what
happened and that’s the truth. Cedric and I…we dated for a short time, but I was really falling hard for your son. That’s all I can say.
He ended it that night you walked in on us and I really don’t know why, but I am glad he did it when he did and didn’t let it drag on even further.” I was proud of my response.
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Bettina shook her head and sighed.
“Thank you for your answer. I know it’s none of my business. I’ve called him and asked him to tell me what happened a few times and he won’t tell me anything. He just shuts down and changes the subject. I am afraid I haven’t even seen him since that day either.” The fact that Cedric hadn’t seen his mother in two months shocked me.
“He hasn’t come at all to see you…or Callie?” I asked.
“No, honey, I am afraid he hasn’t.
Cedric has always been the closed off one.
Caleb is an open book…but my Cedric is different. We keep in contact over the phone, so I know he is okay. But one thing I know for sure…whatever is going on with my son…it hasn’t been easy. Allison, aside from his father dying, I haven’t seen him that emotional in years, since he was a child, maybe. He had tears in his eyes that night, with you. That tells me that whatever happened between 458/727