remembered Cedric’s tattoo which also had those same letters spelled out on top of the cross on his torso. My heart pounded as I slowly unlocked and opened the binder, a decision that would prove fateful.
Three pictures and a dried up pink rose were inside.
As my eyes caught sight of the first image, a sudden wave of nausea and panic overcame me. The room started to spin and my breathing became erratic. I closed my eyes and knelt down, fearing I was about to pass out. With the picture still firmly in my shaking hand, I knelt down on the floor, knowing that if I stood back up, I would surely faint.
On the ground, I dared myself to look at the picture again and squinted my eyes deeply to be sure I was seeing correctly, to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing.
And I was: it was a picture of me.
CHAPTER 28
CEDRIC
“Dude…what the fuck?” Caleb said as he entered my condo.
I ran my fingers through my dirty mop of overgrown hair. “Nice to see you, too.”
“What’s with the beard…and when did you start smoking again? This place reeks.” Caleb reached for my face and suddenly smacked my cheek.
I scratched my head and ignored him, groggily walking into the kitchen, as Caleb followed me.
“Do you mind telling me what the fuck is going on with you? Caleb asked as he poured a cup of cold coffee. “Mom says you have dropped off the face of the Earth and that it has something to do with Allison or 470/727
some other woman or both, but she couldn’t tell me shit.”
“Bro, that coffee is from yesterday,” I said as I took the cup from him and looked around for some filters to make a new pot.
Where the fuck did I put the filters?
“Cedric…seriously, what is going on?” Caleb crossed his arms leaning up against the kitchen counter.
Filters…Filters…Bingo!
“Cedric…put the fucking filters down.” I looked down at the ground.
“Caleb…I…I’m just fucked up. My life is a fucking mess, so I took my three weeks vacation.”
Caleb walked toward me as he spoke.
“You call this a vacation…sitting in your apartment, looking like a fucking Chia pet that smells like an ashtray?” I laughed…for the first time in weeks.
“Fuckhead…it’s my house…what do you want me to do?”
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“Cedric…seriously…I had no idea. No news is usually good news with you. Why didn’t you call me? When was the last time you even spoke to anyone?”
“Mom called me yesterday. She, uh, told me about Denise. I am really sorry, man.
I don’t want to bother you with my problems.”
During that call, my mother told me that Denise had been pregnant, but had a miscarriage a few days ago at seven weeks. It was the one thing that made me feel sad for anyone but myself in nearly three months. I felt like an asshole for being so out of touch with my family.
Caleb paused and stared at me. I knew he must be devastated. They had tried to have a baby for so long.
He shook his head. “It’s okay, man.
We’ll try again. We won’t give up. She’s taking it hard, but we’ll be okay.” 472/727
I sat down. “Caleb…fuck…I’ve been so wrapped up in this shit…I should have called you. God, I am sorry.”
“It’s okay…you clearly aren’t in your right mind.” Caleb looked at the ceiling, and then changed the subject. “So, are there any new developments? To what do we owe this shit show?”
Caleb knew about my last encounter with Allison, the night we broke up at Mom’s house, because I called him after it happened.
That was nearly three months ago.
I had chickened out about telling my mother anything at all because I wasn’t ready, not to mention Allison was still in the house when I left.
I became more and more depressed as the weeks passed. I had disappeared from my own life and chose not to face anything or anyone at all. After a couple of months of attempting to throw myself into work, I was 473/727
nearing a nervous breakdown and took the time off—all three weeks of my vacation. The agency wasn’t happy, but they couldn’t stop me because I had the vacation time.
Each day has been spent in my condo, listening to music, smoking, drinking and watching suck-ass television.
I had one picture of Allison and me on my phone that we took at her apartment the day we spent together after the first night we made love and I stare at it a lot.
Lack of sleep has been a constant.
Thoughts of her keep me up most nights. I wonder about whether anyone has contacted her, what she knows, whether she hates me, whether she is with someone else. I have no interest in meeting other women, because my heart still belongs to her.
Each day, I tell myself that today will be the day that I go to her and tell her my story…her story…the truth…and can never muster up the courage to face her.
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“Nothing has changed, Caleb,” I said.
“Why don’t you just go to her and tell her the goddamn truth? What is stopping you now? You have nothing to lose anymore,” he said.
I put my feet up on the kitchen table and threw my head back.
“I…just…can’t bear to tell her I lied to her. She’ll hate me for that. She’ll think that I was a selfish prick who wanted in her pants.
And then, the truth will devastate her. I just don’t want to hurt her anymore than I already have. At this point, I’d rather it be someone else that tells her everything.”
“You don’t think it would be better coming from you, someone she knows? She’s got to at least know you cared about her.
That’s why you lied, to protect her and because you wanted to be with her without judgment. Can’t you explain it to her that way?”
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“Man, I run through this everyday in my head. I know that would be the right thing to do…but you’re not understanding…it will kill me to see her… kill me to see her cry again. I’ve hurt her enough.” Caleb put his hand on my shoulder.
“Maybe…but you owe it to her.” I threw my head into my hands and whispered, “I know… I know.”
*** I knew what I needed to do…but more days passed and I never did any of it.
My “vacation” was almost over and the thought of returning to work and the daily grind was torture. My hair was now three inches longer and my beard was caveman-style. I had become accustomed to this recluse life over the past weeks.
One evening after deciding to take a shower after three days without, as I was 476/727
wiping myself down, I heard a frantic knock on the door.
My hair…both on my head and my face was still dripping and I grabbed a robe and rushed to see who was knocking.
When I opened the door, Allison was standing there with tears in her eyes, shaking.
My heart raced at the shock of seeing her and my throat seemed to close preventing me from speaking. All I was able to muster was a faint whisper.
“Allison.”
“Cedric?” she whispered through her tears.
I said nothing as I stood in the doorway, then after a few seconds, tried to touch her arm.
My stomach turned as she violently pushed me away and made her way past me into the living room, visibly shaken.
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She knew. Fuck me…she knew. But what did she know?
“Allison?” I asked, still not being able to form a coherent sentence.
She looked down at the floor and put her hand in her purse. Her hand was shaking and she pulled out a photo.
Breathing erratically, she said nothing as she stuck her trembling hand out prompting me to take it. Her eyes were bloodshot red, as she stared at me with an expression I had never seen from her.
It was fear.
I slowly walked over to her and took the photo out of her hand and looked at it.
Oh God, no.
“Allison…where…where did you get this?” I asked.
She wiped her eyes and looked at me, her voice shaking. “Your mother’s basement.
I found it.”
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Fuck. I must have had a box down there from when Caleb took my dorm stuff home after I opted to stay in Chicago after graduation.
“What…what do you think this is?” I asked.