“Cedric…”
“Elaine…what happened?” I yelled.
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Elaine was too shaken up to speak and started to cry, burying her face in her hands.
Ed reappeared, took one look at his wife and walked over to where I was sitting, pulling up a chair.
“Cedric…the doctor said that…routine tests they performed on Amanda revealed…
that she was pregnant at the time of the accident.”
I stared at Ed in disbelief, trying to process it, looking over at Amanda sleeping and back at Ed in disbelief.
“Was…was…pregnant?” I asked.
Ed’s eyes burned into me and I couldn’t tell if he was in shock, upset or wanted to downright kill me.
“That’s right…was. The doctors think she lost the baby on impact.” I nodded slowly, got up and walked out of the room.
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The hospital hallway seemed to be swaying and the walls closing in. A blast of air hit me as I made my way out of the re-volving doors in the front of the building.
Running down the busy sidewalk, I couldn’t catch my breath.
I kneeled down on someone’s stoop about two blocks from the hospital, letting my heart rate slowly normalize. My head in my hands, I started to weep like a baby again. The unimaginable situation of the past few days had just gotten so much worse with that news. I had blamed myself for Amanda’s accident, kept what happened in my dorm room from her parents and now, the realization that I was also responsible for the death of my unborn child was too much to bear.
As I looked up, I noticed a church across the street. I walked across the busy road in a haze, nearly getting run down.
The front door of the gray stone structure 507/727
was open. ‘Welcome to St. Mary’s’ a sign said in the entryway. In the distance, down the long aisle, dozens of candles in red votives flickered.
I slowly made my way down toward them at the front of the church near the desolate altar. I reached in my pocket and grabbed a five-dollar bill stuffing it in the donation slot in front of the candles, then lit one of the candles with a long matchstick.
I made the sign of the cross.
“Dear Jesus, please forgive me for the pain and suffering my actions have caused.” Walking over to the front of the altar, I knelt down, closing my eyes tightly. Tears began to fall again and I covered my face, grateful that there was no one in the church as my sobs
turned
to
wailing
that
echoed
throughout the vast cathedral.
***
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After another night of sleeping poorly in Amanda’s hospital room, my body was beginning to ache.
Ed and Elaine had gotten a room at the hotel around the corner and even though you could literally make it here in three minutes, I refused to leave the room. They couldn’t make me leave if they tried. I think my being here made it easier for them to sleep at the hotel. There was only space for one cot in the room anyway.
Amanda’s parents arrived at the crack of dawn and soon after, Dr. Tripathi walked into the room and told them that Amanda’s vitals were looking a little better and that they were going to try and end the medically
induced
coma,
later
that
morning.
My heart raced with a number of emotions: fear, anticipation, relief, anguish.
What if she didn’t wake up on her own?
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What if the sight of me upsets her when she comes to?
A few hours later, we were asked to the leave the room, while the doctors worked to bring Amanda out of the coma.
Dr. Tripathi said it would be a while before we would be able to see her.
When the doctor emerged, we stood up in synch in the waiting room.
“You can go in now, but one at a time, please,” he said.
Elaine gasped. “Is she awake?”
“She seems to be trying to wake up.
Please go very easy on her. She is still not stable, but she should be able to hear what you are saying,” he said.
Elaine walked in first and Ed and I waited impatiently outside.
Twenty
minutes
later,
Elaine
emerged crying and said, “I was talking to 510/727
her and she was blinking rapidly. I hope she could hear me. Oh, God…Ed…this is just too much. Why our little girl…why?” Ed comforted his wife and then released her to enter Amanda’s room.
The waiting for my turn was killing me.
Amanda’s parents were being amazing about letting me stay here. If they only knew that I was responsible. But I couldn’t think about how they would feel if they knew. I needed to be here for her and I couldn’t risk them keeping me away. That’s why I played dumb when they asked me if I knew why Amanda might have been driving poorly the night of the accident. I think they believed that she fell asleep at the wheel.