something like this from me. How could the people at the adoption agency have allowed the separation of two sisters?
The ringing of the phone startled me out of my thoughts.
I picked up. “Hello?”
“Al…just checking in,” Sonia said.
Sonia would call me everyday from her nursing rotation to make sure I haven’t done anything stupid. My mental state the first twenty-four hours after Cedric’s condo encounter was not stable. Sonia had considered taking me to a doctor to get anti-anxiety meds, but I refused.
“You don’t need to call me every two hours, you know,” I said.
“Have you stopped thinking about it for even a minute?”
“Of course not…would you stop thinking about it, if you found out you had a twin?
And then found out she was dead a minute later?”
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“I can’t fucking imagine, Al. I can’t. I am so sorry.”
We were both silent for a bit and then I said. “I need to get out of the house. Let’s go out to dinner tonight.”
“Are you serious, Al? That would be fantastic! You really need to get your mind off of things. It’s a date.”
“Love you,” I said.
“Love you too.”
Just as I hung up the phone, it rang again and I picked up.
“Sonia…come on…this is ridiculous.” There was a pause.
“Allison?”
My stomach turned as I realized who it was. I didn’t respond.
“Allison? Are you there?”
“Yes,” I whispered as my heart beat rapidly.
“I’ve been so worried about you.”
“Why are you calling, Cedric?” 540/727
“I wanted to give you some space, but I couldn’t wait any longer. I need to hear your voice…to know you’re okay.”
“I’m okay, but I am not ready to talk to you.”
Cedric let out a deep breath into the phone. “Fair enough. I just needed to hear your voice, really. I still care about you, so much Allison. So much. Please don’t hate me. Please—”
I quietly hung up the phone because I was afraid of what I might say next. Tears streamed down my face. He thinks I hate him.
That was the problem. I didn’t hate him. My feelings for him were still strong and I hated myself for feeling this way.
*** A couple of more days passed and the funk I was in was slowly lifting.
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It was seventy degrees outside and I decided to wear a delicate pink cotton sun-dress and take a walk.
Putting on some silver flip flop wedges and grabbing my purse, I headed out the door and breathed in the fresh mild air as a chorus of birds chirped. Days like these, I swear I could smell the scent of the sun.
I stopped at a corner store and bought something I hadn’t consumed in years…a Slush Puppy frozen drink. Sipping it fast through the tiny thin straw, I got brain freeze as I continued walking down the side streets of my neighborhood.
Two little girls holding hands skipping down the street passed me and I immediately thought of the sister I never knew.
Would we have been close like that? Would she still be alive if we weren’t separated?
Probably. What kind of mother separates identical twins?
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My mood was darkening a bit and I decided to walk back to my apartment. As I approached my house, I dropped my drink on the sidewalk, startled to see Cedric sitting on the stairs waiting for me.
I froze as I saw him notice me and stopped about six feet short of him. His beautiful crystal blue eyes shined in the sunlight and looked like they were glowing. It pained me that he looked so goddamn handsome.
He had shaved that beard away and had just a little hair leftover on his chin. He was wearing a casual black fitted v-neck shirt and jeans and I could smell his intoxicating scent blowing toward me in the breeze.
We just stood there staring at each other. Even though I was scared, a part of me wanted him to approach me…hold me. I didn’t know exactly what this new situation meant for us, but the pull was still strong. It 543/727
was probably stronger than ever because he just seemed so forbidden to me now.
He was my sister’s boyfriend.
Cedric stood up, but didn’t approach me, as I kept my distance.
“You look good, Allison.”
The sound of his voice sent shivers throughout my body.
“Why are you here, Cedric?” I asked.
“Actually, I wanted to give you this.” He reached out a yellow envelope, prompting me to take it. Was he serving me with some legal document? What is this?
“What is it?” I asked nervously.
“It’s everything. Everything I wanted to tell you, but couldn’t…the other day.” Finally approaching him, my hand was shaking as I took the envelope from him carefully avoiding touching his skin. Cedric stood still, never taking his eyes off mine. He seemed to be desperately searching my eyes 544/727
for a clue as to what I was feeling and then said, “Promise me, you’ll read it, Allison.” I continued staring at him, still wanting desperately for him to touch me, knowing he wouldn’t cross that line and that if he did, I would pull back.
“I will,” I finally said.
I flinched as Cedric’s hand touched my cheek and I briefly closed my eyes, relishing the brief contact before he returned his arm down and said. “Thank you.” I walked past him up my front stairs, taking the envelope with me.
Before walking in the front door, I looked back briefly to find Cedric standing in place, with his hands in his pockets looking at me, the sun glare making him only par-tially visible. Then, I closed the door behind me.
***
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It was nightfall and the yellow envelope taunted me from across the room. I wanted so badly to open it, but hadn’t yet mustered up the courage. I was truly afraid of what I might discover in it.
Prolonging the inevitable, I chose instead to daydream about the Cedric I knew before all of this happened.
I so missed the feeling of being on cloud nine and so infatuated, of being held by him and feeling safe in his arms. It was such short time in retrospect…but it was truly the best time of my life. But it wasn’t real.
I wondered how much time Amanda had with him…how close they were, whether his feelings were stronger for her than for me. I hated myself for thinking that, but I couldn’t help it. I felt sick. I knew that maybe everything I needed to know was in that letter and decided I just needed to just open it, already.
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So, taking a deep breath, I stood up from the couch and walked over to the letter lying on the table.
Picking it up, I returned to the couch and rubbed my hands over the fairly large yellow envelope.
My heart thumped furiously and I opened a window to let some air in.
I took another deep breath and exhaled, opening the envelope slowly, careful not to rip the contents. Inside was a folded letter with a few pages stapled together and handwritten on heavy high quality stock paper. My chest was heaving in anticipation as I started to read it.
Dear Allison,
First of all, thank you for taking thetime to read this. I know it must have been adifficult decision to open this letter. It’s difficult for me to even think about you reading 547/727
everything I am about to write. But I am also relieved to be able to finally tell you everything. I would say that I wished I had told you this story that first day I laid eyes on you, but that wouldn’t be the truth. I am fairly certain that if I had bombarded you with the truth about me early on, I would have never experienced what were truly the best days of my life, the weeks spent with you, as your friend and as your lover.
I have to start from the beginning. Iwas 21 when I met Amanda Thompson. Shewas a freshman and I was a senior atNorthwestern. I spotted her across the roomat a campus party and was immediatelytaken by her. She walked in and immediately fell on her ass after she slipped on thefloor that was wet from the keg. I startedcracking up and she walked over to me tokick my ass and the rest was history. Shewas beautiful in a natural way and easy totalk to. I dated a lot in those days and it was 548/727