rare that one girl kept my attention for longer than a week. But Amanda was different. I was a bit of a jackass back then, but she didn’t seem to be scared away by that persona. She was smart enough to see it
was a persona. I was a kid with a tough exterior from the streets of Boston. She was a sheltered Daddy’s girl from the suburbs. But Amanda seemed to be able to peel through the fake layers I had built up and had a way of making me want to open up about the real me…my insecurities and fears, my hopes and dreams.
She was young, only seventeen whenI met her. I was her first real boyfriend. Igot to know her parents, Ed and Elainepretty well during that time and they werepretty cool with everything, as long as Ididn’t spend the night in her room and viceversa. She lived at home and I lived on campus, so sometimes I would go over to herparent’s house for dinner. Ed and Elaine 549/727
had adopted Amanda as a newborn and she was their only child. They treated her like a princess because they were so happy to have her since they couldn’t have kids of their own. She even looked a little like Elaine.
We dated for almost a year. I was her first. Up until the end, it was the first time in my life that I had never cheated on a girlfriend. She would tell me that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I told her I loved her, but truthfully I had my doubts about making a lifelong commitment so young. I was getting ready to graduate and possibly move away and she was just starting college. But Amanda didn’t care about all that. She just wanted to be with me. That wasn’t enough for me, Allison. What came next is the hard part of my story.
One night Amanda came to my dormafter I had ignored her calls that day. Shecaught me kissing another girl. It hadn’tgotten as far as anything further and 550/727
probably wouldn’t have, but I had lost control of myself in the days leading up to that.
I was probably going to end things for her own good, but never expected her to see what she walked in on. She was devastated, Allison and the second I saw the look on her face, I was devastated too. I knew then and there that I cared so much about this person. I felt like I had hurt my best friend and I had.
Amanda ran out of my room that night and drove off. She was upset and probably driving erratically. That was the night of the car accident that eventually killed her. I am so sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, Allison. I still to this day feel some of the blame for what happened, most of the blame, actually. Your sister was so strong. She fought for her life for many days in and out of a coma.
What I need you to know is thatshortly before Amanda died, Ed and Elaine 551/727
told her about you. They didn’t know your name or where you were living, but Elaine had gotten information from a friend at the adoption agency years before, that there had been a twin born to the anonymous birth mother who had you and Amanda.
Other than that, Elaine only knew that your Mom was a fifteen-year-old drug addict.
Amanda’s parents decided to tell her about you after she turned eighteen and vowed to help find you if that was what she wanted.
On her hospital bed on the day she died, her last words to me were to ask me to find you. She said ‘find my sister.’
I had a really hard time after Amanda died. I blamed myself and Caleb actually came and stayed with me for several weeks. I never even told my mother about anything that happened there or the truth about you until a few days ago.
There is one other upsetting thingthat I need to tell you. It’s really why I think 552/727
I have been so afraid to tell you the truth.
It’s the one part of my past I am most ashamed of and it’s very difficult for me to talk about even to this day. But I want to tell you everything. When Amanda was in the hospital, the doctors had discovered she had been pregnant at the time of the accident and lost the baby. It was my baby, Allison.
Amanda had not yet told me and I don’t even know if she knew. She told me she was on the pill and I trusted that I couldn’t get her pregnant. I still struggle with whether she knew or not when she caught me that night, whether that’s why she had been calling me a lot that day. And more than that, I struggle with the fact that I helped cause an accident that also killed my own child. I know that it is probably very difficult for you to hear this and I am sorry to have to tell you that about me.
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I put down the letter and started sobbing.
I
couldn’t
read
anymore
right
now…and there was a lot left unread.
Walking over to the refrigerator, I wiped my eyes with my shirt, poured myself a glass of water and sat down at the kitchen table, taking a long sip. Rubbing my temples, I breathed in and out repeatedly trying to process what Cedric revealed. So many emotions floated through my head.
While I found Cedric’s honesty endearing, it was all too much to take at once as shock, sadness and jealousy hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was still in shock to learn about how my sister died. I also felt sad that Cedric blamed himself. Clearly, he never could have predicted what would happen.
Jealousy also consumed me. My sister had been intimate with Cedric and they had created a child together, something that I would never get to experience with him.
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Even though the baby tragically died, a child was conceived. That child would have also been related to me.
Shaking my head, I tried to make sense of it all. My breathing slowed and I wanted to know more. I needed to know more, so I walked back over to the couch and picked up the letter again.
So, you’re probably wondering why all of this is coming to light now, twelve years later.