After Amanda died, I managed tograduate and ended up staying in Chicagofor about eight years. That’s where I startedmy career, before I moved back to Boston. Ikept in touch with Ed and Elaine duringthose years. Sometimes, they would have meover for dinner and we would talk aboutAmanda. I think I reminded them of her andthey liked to see me from time to time forthat reason. I had even later confided in 555/727
them about what happened the night of the accident and they tried to convince me it wasn’t my fault. All these years, I still don’t fully believe that. Anyway, they’re good, forgiving, people and they didn’t deserve to lose their only child.
The Thompsons had tried to get information on their own over the years aboutyour whereabouts and kept hitting deadends. They felt they owed it to Amanda tofind you. I think they missed her so muchthat they wanted to find a part of her alivein you. They used a couple of private investigators and finally hired a different guy alittle over a year ago and this one was ableto figure out the name of the person who adopted you (your Mom). With that information, he was able to determine your nametoo and that you lived in Boston. This investigator, named Brandon Samuels, thenfound out your address and followed youone day to the Stardust diner, which is how 556/727
I knew where you worked. He gave all of the information to the Thompsons and they contacted me and asked if I would be the one to meet you first. Ed has been battling cancer and it wasn’t the right time for them to travel to Boston, because it would have interrupted his treatments. We all couldn’t believe that you were in the same city as me to begin with. So, it seemed to make sense that I would be the one to approach you.
I had every intention of doing theright thing that first day I walked into thediner. When I saw you, though, I was blownaway and lost all sense of reason. It was likelooking at a grown up version of Amanda,but you were even more beautiful than Icould have ever imagined you’d be. Iwatched you talk to the customers and yourdemeanor was so sweet. I just wanted towatch you, like a fly on the wall. I didn’tknow how I could possibly bring up the subject of why I came to see you, so I just stared 557/727
at you. I wasn’t expecting to have that kind of reaction. I needed more time to just let it sink in. So, I left that day, but I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about you. I decided I wanted to get to know you before springing everything on you. So, I planned to go back to the diner another time and maybe strike up a conversation. That was the day you weren’t there, that I left my credit card. Obviously, you know that was the same night I drove you home and we talked for the first time. When I found out you had no family, I was floored, but it also made me want to be there for you in some way.
With every second we spent together,I became more and more blinded by my intense attraction to you. I gave into thetemptation to continue the façade, becausemy feelings for you were real and I wanteddesperately to explore them without judgment. I have never felt so drawn to anyoneso quickly. You may think that it was 558/727
because you looked like her, but that’s not entirely the case. A lot can change in twelve years, both physically and emotionally. If anything, I was actually surprised at how little you actually reminded me of the eighteen-year-old girl I knew. I was basically a boy when I dated your sister, Allison.
I didn’t know what I wanted and it’s quite likely Amanda and I wouldn’t have ended up together had she lived. I wasn’t done sewing my wild oats (and she hadn’t even started) and it’s quite possible, I would have fucked things up.
I know my decision to take things asfar I did with you was selfish. But I don’t regret it, Allison. I just don’t. From that firstnight in the car, I knew there was no goingback. I had no control over the pull I felt toward you. I needed to have you, to be withyou. I always intended to tell youeverything, even after we got together—youneed to know that. I wasn’t going to keep it 559/727
from you forever; I just didn’t feel the time was right. Really, I didn’t want to lose you, so I kept putting it off.
Around New Years, things had just gotten sexual between us and I was falling hard for you. I couldn’t get enough of you.
That’s when my world started crumbling around me. I got a call from Elaine around that time that changed things for me and made me realize I was no longer in control of when you would find out the truth. She told me that in the course of the investiga-tion to find you, Investigator Samuels also located your birth mother. Not only that, this woman wanted to know how to find you. I knew that it was only a matter of time before you would find everything out and that scared the shit out of me. I decided not to make things even more complicated by continuing to get more serious with you until I either I grew the guts to tell you or you found out another way.
560/727
The night that I ran into you at my mother’s, I had planned to finally tell her everything. I needed to get it off my chest and wanted her advice as to how to handle things, because I was obviously not handling them at all. When you asked me if I was seeing someone else, I was caught off guard, panicked and lied. That was a stupid thing to do, but it just came out. I know that didn’t help things. I wasn’t seeing anyone else and I’m still not. I am so sorry for lying to you.
I am most sorry that finding the photo in my mother’s basement upset you.
That must have been a shock. I didn’t evenremember that I had that binder. Thosewere the only physical items I had to remember her by, that were mine. But now, inretrospect, I am glad you found it. It forcedme to tell you the truth, which you deservedall along. Just a note, I don’t have any otherinformation about your birth mother. Edand Elaine never heard from her beyond 561/727