“I still think tights look stupid.” She thought of those kids wearing their superhero outfits. Probably grew up and became drug dealers or maids or organ donors.
“What? What’s so funny?”
He said, “I can’t stop thinking about Robert Potter and your mother. Did he want clean underwear? Or did he want dirty underwear?”
She said, “What do you think?”
“I think twenty bucks wasn’t enough money.”
“He’s a creep.”
“So you think he’s been in love with her for a long time?”
She said, “What?”
“Like maybe they had an affair once a long time ago.”
“No way!” It made her want to puke.
“No, seriously, what if he was your father or something?”
“Fuck you!”
“Well, come on. Haven’t you wondered? I mean, he could be your father. It’s always been obvious he and your mom have unfinished business. And he’s always trying to talk to you.”
“Stop talking! Right now!”
“Or what, you’ll kick my ass? I’d like to see you try.” He sounded amused.
She wrapped her arms around herself. Ignore him, Bunnatine. Wait until he’s had more to drink. Then kick his ass.
He said, “Come on. I remember when we were kids. You used to wait until your mom got home from work and fell asleep. You said you used to sneak into her bedroom and ask her questions while she was sleeping. Just to see if she would tell you who your dad was.”
“I haven’t done that for a while. She finally woke up and caught me. She was really pissed off. I’ve never seen her get mad like that. I never told you about it. I was too embarrassed.”
He didn’t say anything.
“So I kept begging and finally she made up some story about this guy from another planet. Some tourist. Some tourist with wings and stuff. She said that he’s going to come back someday. That’s why she never shacked up or got married. She’s still waiting for him to come back.”
“Don’t look at me like that. I know it’s bullshit. I mean, if he had wings, why don’t I have wings? That would be so cool. To fly. Really fly. Even when I used to practice every day, I never got more than two feet off the ground. Two fucking feet. What’s two feet good for? Waiting tables. I float sometimes, so I don’t get varicose veins like Mom.”
“You could probably go higher if you really tried.”
“You want to see me try? Here, hold this. Okay. One, two, three. Up, up, and a little bit more up. See?”
He frowned, looked off into the trees. Trying not to laugh. She knew him.
“What? Are you impressed or not?”
“Can I be honest? Yes and no. You could work on your technique. You’re a bit wobbly. And I don’t understand why all your hair went straight up and started waving around. Do you know that it’s doing that?”
“Static electricity?” she said. “Why are you so mean?”
“Hey,” he said. “I’m just trying to be honest. I’m just wondering why you never told me any of that stuff about your dad. I could ask around, see if anybody knows him.”
“It’s not any of your business,” she said. “But thanks.”
“I thought we were better friends than this, Bunnatine.”
He was looking hurt.
“You’re still my best friend in the whole world,” she said. “I promise.”
“I love this place,” he said.
“Yeah. Me, too.” Only if he loved it so much, then why didn’t he ever stay? So busy saving the world, he couldn’t save the Land of Oz. Those poor Munchkins. Poor Bunnatine. They were almost out of beer.
He said, “So what are they up to? The developers? What are they plotting?”
“The usual. Tear everything down. Build condos.”
“And you don’t mind?”
“Of course I mind!” she said.
He said, “I always think it looks a lot more real now. The way it’s falling all to pieces. The way the Yellow Brick Road is disappearing. It makes it feel like Oz was a real place. Being abandoned makes you more real, you know?”
Beer turned him into Biscuit the philosopher-king. Another thing about beer. She had another beer to help with the philosophy. He had one, too.
She said, “Sometimes there are coyotes up here. Bears, too. The mutants. Once I saw a Sasquatch and two tiny Sasquatch babies.”
“No way.”
“And lots and lots of deer. Guys come up here in hunting season. When I catch ’em, they always make jokes about hunting Munchkins. I think they’re idiots to come up here with guns. Mutants don’t like guns.”
“Who does?” he said.
She said, “Remember Tweetsie Railroad? That rickety roller coaster? Remember how those guys dressed like toy-store Indians used to come onto the train?”
He said, “Fudge. Your mom would buy us fudge. Remember how we sat in the front row and there was that one showgirl? The one with the three-inch ruff of pubic hair sticking out the legs of her underwear? During the cancan?”
She said, “I don’t remember that!”
He leaned over her, nibbled on her neck. People were going to think she’d been attacked by a pod of squids. Little red sucker marks everywhere. She yawned.
He said, “Oh, come on! You remember! Your mom started laughing and couldn’t stop. There was a guy sitting right next to us and he kept taking pictures.”
She said, “How do you remember all this stuff? I kept a diary all through school, and I still don’t remember everything that you remember. Like, what I remember is how you wouldn’t speak to me for a week because I said I thought Atlas Shrugged was boring. How you told me the ending of The Empire Strikes Back before I saw it. ‘Hey, guess what? Darth Vader is Luke’s father!’ When I had the flu and you went without me?”
He said, “You didn’t believe me.”
“That’s not the point!”
“Yeah. I guess not. Sorry about that.”
“I miss that hat. The one with the pom-poms. Some drunk stole it out of my car.”
“I’ll buy you another one.”
“Don’t bother. It’s just I could fly better when I was wearing it.”
He said, “It’s not really flying. It’s more like hovering.”
“What, like leaping around like a pogo stick makes you special? Okay, so apparently it does. But you look like an idiot. Those enormous legs. That outfit. Anyone ever tell you that?”
“Why are you such a pain in the ass?”
“Why are you so mean? Why do you have to win every fight?”
“Why do you, Bunnatine? I have to win because I have to. I have to win. That’s my job. Everybody always wants me to be a nice guy. But I’m a good guy.”
“What’s the difference again?”
“A nice guy wouldn’t do this, Bunnatine. Or this.”
“Say you’re trapped in an apartment building. It’s on fire. You’re on the sixth floor. No, the tenth floor.”
She was still kind of stupid from the first demonstration. She said, “Hey! Put me down! You asshole! Come back! Where are you going? Are you going to leave me up here?”
“Hold on, Bunnatine. I’m coming back. I’m coming to save you. There. You can let go now.”
She held on to the branch like anything. The view was so beautiful she couldn’t stand it. You could almost ignore him, pretend you’d gotten up here all by yourself.