“Hurry Up Evie” she called from downstairs.
My mind jolted back to reality. I slipped into my favourite pair of skinny jeans, which I have been informed by Lucy are my ‘sexy ass jeans’ and pulled on a cream t shirt. Simple.
I flicked on the kettle and then Lucy looked at me with a wry grin on her face. “Go on then, give me all of the juicy details.” I half smirked and rolled my eyes. There was only one reason Lucy ever had that twinkle in her eyes. A man. In the past two years there had been Tod, Mark, Melvin (yes Melvin), Danny, Tristian, and most recently Sam. Sam was the ultimate love of her life. Lucy had always been so coy with her feelings, always leaving them before she had a chance to leave her. Her mother had been on her fourth marriage because of this Lucy didn’t see love the way in which we all dream it possible, carriages, flowers, hearts and kisses. No Lucy didn’t believe in that; not until she met Sam. Sam was charming, handsome but very, very conceited. He left her after cheating on her for two months with his assistant. Lucy slipped into a routine of cry, eat, sleep. This went on for weeks until she decided she had enough. Lucy’s answer to this? — Fly half way across the world by yourself for twelve months and ignore reality. So that is exactly what she did.
“He is amazing, oh Evie you should have been there, he is gorgeous, and well very fuckable, not that I have yet,” she backtracked, “but soon, very soon, I don’t know how much longer I can hold off from ripping his trousers from his sexy ass”.
I grimaced at the thought, “too much info Luce”. She giggled at me. “So what’s his name? Where did you meet him?”
“Well, it was so surreal, kinda like karma. I was in the hotel checking out and there he was in the queue for the coach to take us to the airport.” I could see her smile at the memory of first meeting him. She carried on, “So we were kinda making eyes at each other on the ride, but, there was no way I was making the first move. I am so over that. Anyways, I boarded the plane and there he was, sitting next to my seat. I must of triple checked the ticket for my seat number, it was mad.”
“So… what happened?”
“Well he introduced himself. He is in some band and lives in Clapham, can you believe it, we couldn’t be any closer if we wanted, so we shared a cab back and I crashed at his last night. Can you believe it! We just made out and slept together, all night, just SLEPT.” She accentuated every letter of slept with precise definition.
I loved seeing her happy. I just wish I felt a little more like she did. I wish I had that burning desire to pounce on Henry and make love the way we used too. My mind wandered to the stairs, the kitchen table, the…
“Soooo” Lucy said looking at me and interrupting my erotic thoughts. She was obviously fishing for gossip with me and Henry.
“We’re fine, he is good, working loads, you know, the usual I suppose” I replied hesitantly.
She looked concerned. She had seen it. My look of doubt. I myself doubted whether we were fine. She tilted her head to the side. Her face beautifully endearing.
“Oh Evie, why do you look so down? Talk to me.”
I looked at her and without hesitation I let the words leave my lips.
“I don’t know what I want anymore.” I had never admitted it out loud before, but I was confused and I was doubting our relationship. Logic told me I needed Henry but my heart urged me to reacquaint myself with reality and look at our relationship for what it was. I needed some sort of advice, or better still a slap round the face to wake me up from these incoherent thoughts. I hoped Lucy would be the one to shake me out of this rut. She was my subconscious. There were no lies between us. Ever.
“We haven’t, you know, had sex in two months.” I continued, “It’s not him, he, well, he tries, really tries, but, well I just, I just don’t want to”.
“Oh Evie, why didn’t you say something?” She looked at me with sincerity in her voice, pure concern for how I was feeling.
“I don’t know Luce, what was I meant to say? I don’t know what I’m feeling or why I’m feeling it, I just don’t know what to make of it.” I paused. “I love him Luce, I just don’t know if I’m you know, in love, I think I am, but… it’s just I don’t really want sex much.” Tears started pour. I couldn’t quite control myself. The overwhelming fear that I knew the inevitable and where these feeling would lead me scared me half to death. How could I not be in love with the vision of perfection that I had to call mine? Luce wrapped her arms around me and I sobbed a little harder.
“It will all be ok, I promise.” She whispered into my ear “is it because of…”. Then the realization that she knew she shouldn’t finish that sentence hit her and we just embraced. I did not want to bring up my past. Not now. Not ever.
“Do you want sex?” What kind of question was that? Obviously not if I wasn’t in the mood with Henry, surely?
“Well obviously not?”
“No Evie, it’s not obvious, do you still get turned on? Have you, you know had BOB out lately?”
I nearly spat out my tea, BOB, my good old battery operated boyfriend. Thinking about it, I had. Shit, I must be such a bitch. I chose to use BOB but not Henry.
“Um, well ah,” I stuttered.
Lucy cut me off with her hysterical fits of laughter. “Well at least you are not restricting yourself of an orgasm once in a while. God I don’t think I could go for more than a day without one.”
“Urgh, your such a man Luce. I don’t know, I don’t get it? Why don’t I want to with Henry then? It just feels so awkward and wrong when he touches me.”
“Perhaps you and Henry have some underlying issues?”
“I just feel lost Luce, I have no job and I can’t spend my days plodding around playing Suzy home-maker, it’s not me.” I sighed. “I have dreams, I have determination and I want to make something of my life for me. Not just to be labelled as Henry’s gold-digging girlfriend.”
“Have you told him this is how you feel?”
“Yes, he just feels it isn’t suitable for me to be working when he earns ‘a hefty fortune’, as he puts it.”
Lucy twisted her nose up at my mocking tone of Henry’s modest remark,
“Exactly”, I giggled. “How am I meant to try and be me when he wants’ me at home. In his eyes he is the man and I am the little woman that should not lift a finger”.
“Well just do something??”
“Believe me, I have tried. I took an interview for the role of PA to a CEO of Skylex Enterprises. I got offered the job!” A sense of pride warmed me. “It was a good wage, fab benefits. When I told Henry he went ballistic, telling me I would end up fucking my new boss just like I did with him.” I cringed at the memory of him speaking to me like that. Like I was a worthless piece of meat that dropped my panties for anyone. Anger started to boil inside of me and I could feel my face tensing.
“What a jack ass”, Lucy exclaimed.
“I know”.
Things were not always like this. I had been with Henry since I was 19. From the moment I met him I felt that spark, the electricity that pulsed through my system. Leaving my heart pounding against my chest. The flutter of butterflies in my stomach. He was the only man that had ever made me feel like that.
I had fallen into the Jewellery trade after dropping out of school at sixteen. I applied for a job at a small jeweller’s and worked as a sales assistant there full time for three years. I needed to earn money to help my mother to pay the bills. When she left her second husband; not my dad, we had to pull together all of our resources to survive. Retail sales did not evoke any passion from me but it helped us live. My heart was focused on creating but this would always be pushed to the back of my mind as there was no room for pointless dreams in the real world. Sensibility came first. My mother needed help and I would save her from the misery she left behind. I would never let her go back, there.