you, Shep: this is the Deanery, not the barn.
There's more than one way to squeeze out facts
from shankers like yourself. We break their backs
and screw their thumbs and stretch 'em on the wheel
and do things to their privates till they squeal.
It's lots of fun, and gets results, too. Break
one finger for him, boys.
SHEPHERD: For Founder's sake,
I'm old and — - ouch! That smartsl Okay, okay,
I'll talkl Ask me somethingl
TALIPED: Did he pay
you for a child once, this man here? And did
you take the cash and hand him one male kid?
SHEPHERD: Yep. I made a killing. Not the kind
I was sent out to make, though.
TALIPED: Never mind.
Where'd you get that kid from, anyhow?
SHEPHERD: Must I tell you?
TALIPED: [TO GUARDS]
Break his finger.
SHEPHERD: Ow!
Two pinkies in two minutes: the heck with that!
The Deanery here is where I got the brat.
TALIPED: The cleaning-lady's kid? Who was the father?
SHEPHERD: I can't say…
TALIPED: [TO GUARDS]
Break his finger.
SHEPHERD: No! Don't bother!
They said the bastard was Labdakides's.
TALIPED: The Dean's himself's!
SHEPHERD: I hope that answer pleases
you. It was his kid.
TALIPED: By Agenora?
SHEPHERD: I didn't ask.
TALIPED: She gave it to you?
SHEPHERD: For a
price I said I'd feed him to the squirrels.
"Squirrels don't eat meat," Peter Greene remarked.
TALIPED: Unnatural mother!
"Indeed she was!" I said, shocked to tears.
SHEPHERD: Well, girls will be girls.
She wasn't too enthusiastic, sir.
TALIPED: Then why'd she do it?
SHEPHERD: Better go ask her.
She gave me some malarkey how she was sure
the kid would kill his dad — - some such manure.
TALIPED: Ai yi! Your answers scare me stiff!
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Me too.
MAILMAN: They don't much bother me.
TALIPED: [TO SHEPHERD]
But, flunk you, if
she save those orders, then you disobeyed!
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: So fire him.
[TO MAILMAN] Oy, these deans!
SHEPHERD: I was afraid
they'd pin the rap on me if things got hot,
so I decided, Why not make a pot
and also save my neck? This moron swore
he'd carry you a long way off before
he retailed you.
MAILMAN: I did, you crook!
SHEPHERD: [TO TALIPED]
But you
came back and made the prophecy come true.
So help me Founder, Dean! I'd rather lose
eight more fingers than be in your shoes!
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: [TO SHEPHERD]
We call them buskins.
SHEPHERD: Oh.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Well, Taliped?
TALIPED: The truth! The truth at last! In my own head
I figured out the Answers to this mess!
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: You had a little bit of help, I guess…
TALIPED: The blinding light! At last I see the light!
And what it shows me is: Gynander's right!
I'm flunked on my ID-card, flunked in bed,
and flunked at Three-Tined Fork — I, Taliped,
the smartest dean that ever deaned, will never
see the light again! I'm flunked forever!
With this final cry he rushed into the Deanery, and while my spine thrilled with the horror of his Answers, the committee reconvened to sing its final plaintive report, the members holding hands and swaying gently from side to side:
Here today and gone tomorrow. [STROPHE 1
What the dickens. What the heck.
Men are whiffenpoofs that pass and get forgot.
Our committee will adjourn now,
But before we say bye-bye
Let us recapitulate this tragic plot:
In the protasis, or prologue, [ANTISTROPHE 1
The protagonist exposed
To the deuteragonist and choragos
Hamartia caused by hubris,
While the background was disclosed;
Then the chorus danced and sang the pàrodos.
After that the anabasic [STROPHE 2
Epeisodions commenced,
With the dithyrambic stasima between;
And ironic stichomyths led
To the anagnorisis:
A peripetal misfortune for the Dean.
Now the climax is upon us. [ANTISTROPHE 2
In the éxodos to come,