COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: This, sir: Was the Proph-prof
disinclined to give your brother-in-law the killer's name,
or didn't he know it?
TALIPED: Beats me.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: I don't blame
him, understand; he's not a bad advisor.
I wonder, though, if it might not be wiser
in this case to get all the help we can.
TALIPED: A stunning inspiration. Whafs your plan?
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Let's call in Gynander, the Proph-prof
Emeritus. That old boy knows his stuff,
you must admit — - although you think he's swishy.
TALIPED: Think, man! I know there's something fishy
about that guy. You've heard the standard tale —
how he was male at first and then female,
and then turned male again. That was his brag, at
least. Myself, I think the guy's a faggot.
But never mind: we deans soon learn to work
with every sort of crank and queer and quirk;
if I cashiered for moral turpitude
adulterers and faggots — - those who've screwed
their colleagues' wives, or shacked up with each other,
or humped their dog, their sister, or their mother —
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Mother? Blah!
TALIPED: — I'd lose four out of five
of my best men. So what I say is, "Swive
away, my friends! Be cocksmen, dykes, or fairies — -
but stay out of the pants of secretaries,
and please don't lay your students."
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: That seems just.
TALIPED: Now, speaking of Gynander: I don't trust
the blind old fag as far as I could throw
him, but I told my brother-in-law to go
and fetch him anyhow, to please you birds.
Here he comes now, right on cue.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: His Words
of prophecy are always good.
TALIPED: For a laugh.
A youngster now led onstage an old man with a stick, who except that his beard had a tint of henna looked even more like Max than did the Committee Chairman.
"There's my Grand Tutor!" Dr. Sear exclaimed. "Give me Gynander, and you can keep your Enos Enoch."
TALIPED: [TO GYNANDER]
Hello there, old blind Proph-prof with a staff!
How's by you? I guess you wonder why
we took you out of mothballs, huh?
GYNANDER: [Looks around until he locates voice]
Oh, hi.
TALIPED: On second thought, you know without my telling
you, unless it's true that you've been selling
us a bill of goods. At Founder's Hall
they speak of you as Doctor Know-It-Alclass="underline"
how come you didn't know we were in trouble
and hustle yourself down here on the double?
Ah well, forget it. Do your hocus-pocus,
if you please, and tell us who the bloke is
that we're after.
GYNANDER: Goodness gracious me.
It isn't any fun at all to see
the Answers when they're always such bad newsl
How could I have forgotten that? Excuse
me, Taliped, my dear; I hope you'll let
us go now. [TO BOY] Lead me home again, my pet.
TALIPED: Oh no you don't! Hold on there, sonny boyl
Now listen here, Gynander: don't be coy
with me. I see your racket: you allow
as how you know some deep dark truth, then vow
it's much too terrible to tell. Your tracks
are nicely covered, aren't they?
GYNANDER: One who lacks
eyes may see what sharp-eyed deans are blind to.
TALIPED: Is that a fact! By George, I've half a mind to
haul you in for obstructing justice. That
would fix you! If you weren't blind as a bat
I'd say you knocked off Dean Labdakides
yourself!
GYNANDER: [Aside]
And he calls me blind! When he sees
the flunking mess he's in, he'll see he's blinder!
TALIPED: Proph-prof — - ha! When that old bitch resigned her
bloody post as College Entrance Riddler,
it wasn't you who'd found out how to diddle her,
was it? No indeed! You had to wait
till Taliped Decanus reached the gate,
didn't you? I had no crystal ball
or magic charms like Doctor Know-It-AIl;
brains were all I had, man! When she said:
"Answer this question quickly, or you're dead:
What mother eats up all her children, hey?"
I didn't dance in circles; I didn't say:
"I know the answer, ma'am, but it's outlandish,
so I won't tell it." She'd have made a sandwich
out of me if I'd pulled those old tricks!
Intelligence was what it took to fix
her wagon! I said, "Nothing to it, Grampus:
the mom that eats her kids is Mother Campus —
matter of fact, she's having you for supperl"
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: [Aside]
"Hearing this, the fearsome beast threw up her
paws and died as if a spear were in her