My brother signed the Cadmus loyalty oath;
that proves he's loyal, doesn't it? Of course.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: [Aside]
She reasons like the Dean himself.
[TO TALIPED]
There's force
in what she says, sir.
AGENORA: Who asked you?
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:Beg pardon,
beautiful. [Aside] / couldn't get a hard on
with such a sharp-tongued, nymphomanic sow
even to gain a deanship — - which is how
young Taliped got where he is today.
AGENORA: "Peace in the Deanery," I always say.
Let's have one now, all right? It's been a while.
Forget this treason nonsense, love, and I'll
show you what the old dean used to run for.
TALIPED: Close your mouth once! Don't you see I'm done for
if he's not guilty? It's a doggone sticky
spot I'm in! This loudmouth Chairman tricked me
into promising I'd sack whoever
killed Labdakides, and then your clever
brother paid Gynander to pretend
that I'm the guilty one. Should I suspend
myself? It's me or your flunking brother!
AGENORA: My little man's upset! Come here to Mother…
TALIPED: For Founder's sake, don't talk like that! Not here
in public, anyhow.
AGENORA: All right, my dear;
you always used to like it, though, when I'd
talk baby-talk to you, and we'd play hide-
and-seek at night upstairs, all mother-naked — -
TALIPED: There you go again, for pity's sake! It
isn't like it used to be!
AGENORA: It sure
isn't! You don't love me any more!
TALIPED: Agenora, dear — -
AGENORA: You think because
you're young and I'm beginning menopause
it's quite all right to ditch me now and take
a crack at some young co-ed on the make!
You men — - that's all you think of!
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: [Aside]
Look who's talking.
TALIPED: Now, now, my dear; I'd never dream of walking
out on you, as you know very well.
AGENORA: Say you love me.
TALIPED: Of course I do.
AGENORA: No, tell
me right.
TALIPED: But, sweetheart…
AGENORA: Now!
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: [Aside]
It always pays
to hear these things. I'll bet I get a raise
next month, to keep me quiet.
AGENORA: Say it!
TALIPED: Oh,
all right. [Whispers] I wuv —
AGENORA: No, don't just whisper!
TALIPED: So
I'll shout: I WUV OO!
[TO COMMITTEE]
Don't you bastards smile!
AGENORA: Again.
TALIPED: I WUV OO VEWWY MUCH!
[TO BROTHER-IN-LAW]
And I'll
break your grinning head if you don't get
it out of here!
BROTHER-IN-LAW: Oo mean I'm fwee?
TALIPED: I'll bet
I tear you limb from limb, you flunking boozer!
BROTHER-IN-LAW: Hah. You always were a lousy loser. [Exits
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: So what do we do now, Dean Taliped?
TALIPED: Don't ask me. I should've stayed in bed
this morning.
AGENORA: That's my boy! Come on, let's run!
TALIPED: What about Gynander? It's no fun
to be accused of parricide — - and worse!
AGENORA: Forget that old hermaphrodite. The curse
of every campus is its local prophet.
Tell him he should take his charge and stuff it.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Mercy, how unorthodox a view!
AGENORA: All right, so it's unorthodox. So sue
me. Look, I'll prove to you once and for all
what liars proph-profs are: one came to call
on me and my first husband years ago,
just after we were married, and you know
what he told Labdakides would be his fortune?
TALIPED: What?
AGENORA: He said I'd better get an abortion
quick, or else my husband would be killed
by his own son.
TALIPED: And was that curse fulfilled?
AGENORA: Of course not, silly! Naturally I declared
the proph-prof was a liar; but he scared
Labdakides so bad that when our kid
was born — - a boy — - we secretly got rid
of him the way unmarried co-eds do it.
TALIPED: And how was that, I wonder?
AGENORA: Nothing to it: