we weren't young and didn't need a tutor.
AGENORA: You needed blood transfusions.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Or someone cuter,
who wouldn't've had to pull her husband's rank to
get us into bed.
AGENORA:Screw you.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: No thank you.
TALIPED: Stop mumbling, please, and listen.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: If we must.
TALIPED: As I was saying…
AGENORA: [TO COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN]
/'// fix you, buddy; just
you wait.
TALIPED: Some things the proph-prof said weren't clear — -
you know how those chaps talk — he didn't hear
my question, or chose not to answer it.
Instead, he told me something that, well, hit
me like a load of bricks. You'll never guess…
AGENORA: He didn't say you'd kill your father?
TALIPED: Yes.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: And swive your mother in the prone position?
TALIPED: That's right! How did you guess?
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Just intuition.
I swear, those proph-profs have a one-track mind.
AGENORA: A dirty track at that.
TALIPED: I'm inclined
to think so too.
AGENORA:What happened next?
TALIPED: I quit
my assistant-deanship. Daddy had a fit.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Naturally.
TALIPED: I left the College on sabbatical,
hoping I'd avoid what that fanatical
proph-prof laid on me. I'm still on leave,
and never shall return.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: It makes me heave — -
TALIPED: A sigh, to think I left them in the lurch?
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: — my lunch, to think of all the great research
I could've managed on a nine-year furlough.
TALIPED: I would have done some, too, except there were no
libraries where I traveled.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: I'll bet not.
TALIPED: In any case, one day I reached that spot
they call the Three-Tined Fork and tried to hitch
a ride to Cadmus with some sonofabitch
who passèd by with his lackeys and who turned up
his old nose at me. Boy, was I burned up!
He wasn't headed for Cadmus, so he shouted;
he told some drunken tale — - no doubt about it,
he was plastered — - of a beast someplace
behind them, with a pretty woman's face
and a lion's body. Naturally I thought
the guy was putting me on, and when I caught
a glimpse of what was sitting on his knees,
I knew the old man was afraid I'd please
her more than he could. "You're a liar," I said.
He had the gall to punch me in the head
just because I called him that and pinched
his girl's backside. Well, of course that clinched
it. First I cut the old man's throat and dumped
him out, to teach him manners. Then I humped
his girlfriend as he bled to death, for sport.
My policy, in cases of this sort,
is first to stab 'em in the belly-button
and then cut other things. She was a glutton
for punishment, this kid — - all kinds of stamina.
1 spent so much time butchering and banging
her, the others almost got away. I found
three, as I recall, hiding around
and underneath the wagon, and of course
dismembered them.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: I'm ill.
TALIPED: I felt remorse afterwards.
AGENORA: Nonsense: you did your duty.
The wretch insulted you. As for his cutie-
pie, she got what she deserved.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: I'm iller.
TALIPED: Sure she did, but shucks, I'm not the killer
type; I'm gentle as a lamb.
AGENORA: And twice
as sexy, big boy.
TALIPED: Killing isn't nice,
even when it's justified, and I
would not have stabbed those fellows in the eye
or carved initials in the girl's behind
unless I'd lost my temper.
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: [Aside]
Or his mind.
And I thought I was sick! He's got some sort
of complex!
TALIPED: Well, to make a long tale short,
the Three-lined Fork is where I blew my gasket.
Perhaps I'm just a worry-wart — -
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: [Aside]
A basket-
case is what he is.
TALIPED: — but I must hear
this shepherd-fellow tell me not to fear