I had an ancestor who once accepted a piece of fruit from a woman in a garden, and it got him into deep trouble, so I said, "No, thanks." So we stood a few feet apart, and finally I said, "Ethel told me you wanted to speak to me."
"Yes, I wanted to say welcome home."
"Thank you, but I'm not home."
"You are, John."
"Look, Susan, one of the first things those of us who were not born in a manor learn is that you can't have your cake and eat it, too. There is a price to pay for indulging yourself. You made your choices, Susan, and you have to accept responsibility for your actions."
"Thank you for that Protestant, middle-class sermon. You're right that I was brought up differently, but I've made my adjustments to the new realities far better than you have. I've been a good wife to you, John, and I deserve better treatment than this."
"Do you? Does that mean you deny any sexual involvement with Bellarosa?"
"Yes, I deny it."
"Well, I don't believe you."
Her face flushed red. "Then why don't you ask him?"
"I don't have to, Susan, since you told him what I said to you. Am I supposed to believe you or him when it's obvious that you're both in cahoots? Do you think I'm an idiot?"
"No, you're a sharp lawyer. But you've become overly suspicious and cynical." She paused and looked at me. "I'll tell you something, though. Frank and I have become good friends, and yes, we talk, and we talk about you and about things, and I suppose that has the appearance of impropriety. I apologize for that." I looked into her eyes and I wanted to believe her, but I had too much circumstantial evidence to the contrary. I said to her, "Susan, tell me you are having an affair with him and I will forgive you. I mean that unconditionally, and we'll never speak of it again. You have my word on that. But you must tell me now, this minute, with no more lies." I added, "This is a onetime offer." She replied, "I told you the extent of our relationship. It was close, but not sexual. Perhaps it was too close, and I will deal with that. Again, I apologize for confiding in him, and if you're angry, I understand. You are all the man I need." She added, "I missed you."
"And I missed you." Which was true. What was not true was her confession to a lesser crime. It's an old trick. I could see this was going nowhere. Susan is a cool customer, and if she were on a witness stand for eight straight hours and I were a savage lawyer, I could still not shake her. She'd made her decision to lie, or more accurately, Bellarosa had made it for her, for his own reasons. I felt that if it were anyone else but him, she'd stand up and tell me the truth. But this man had such a hold over her that she could look me in the eye and lie, though it was against everything in her nature and breeding to do so. I felt worse at that moment than if she had just said, "Yes, I've been screwing him for three months." Actually, I was frightened for her because she was less able to handle Mr Bellarosa and his corruption than I was. I knew instinctively that this was not the time to push her and continue the confrontation. I said, "All right, Susan. I understand that you were seduced by him in another way. And yes, I am angry and jealous of your relationship with him, even if it's not sexual. I wish it were simply physical and not metaphysical." This was not true, of course, because I'm a man first, and a sensitive, intellectual, modern husband second, or third, or maybe even fourth or lower. But it sounded like the right response to her confession of emotional infidelity. She said to me, "You were seduced by him, too, John."
"Yes, that's right."
"Well, can we be friends?"
"We can work on it. But I'm still angry about a lot of things. Maybe you are, too."
"Yes, I'm angry that you've accused me of adultery and that you've been emotionally withdrawn for months."
"Well," I said, "maybe we should separate for a while." She seemed to mull that over, then replied, "I'd prefer it if we could work out our problems while living together. We don't have to sleep together, but I'd like you to live at home."
"Your home."
"I've instructed my attorneys to amend the deed in both our names." Life is one surprise after another, isn't it? I said to her, "Instruct them not to."
"Why?"
"I don't want assets if I have tax problems. And I don't want your assets under any circumstances. But thank you for the gesture."
"All right." She asked, "Well, will you be staying?"
"Let me think about it. I'm going to spend a few days out on the boat. I'm afraid I won't be able to come to your unveiling this evening." She replied, "If you'd like, I'll tell… Anna to call it off."
"No, Anna would be disappointed. Please pass on my regrets to Anna."
"I will."
"I'll see you in a few days." I turned to leave. "
"John?"
"Yes?"
"I just remembered. Mr Melzer came around the other day. Thursday or Friday, I think."
"Yes?"
"He said you were supposed to make some sort of initial payment on your taxes."
"Did you tell him we haven't gone to closing on the East Hampton house yet?"
"Yes, I did. He said he'd see what he could do, but he sounded concerned." "I'll get in touch with him." I hesitated, then said, "Susan, we have a long way to go."
She nodded. "Maybe we can go away together as soon as things settle down, John.
Just you and I. We can take the boat to the Caribbean if you'd like." She was certainly trying, and I was certainly not. But the hurt was too deep, and the lies were not making it any better. I had the sudden compulsion to tell her I'd slept with a famous TV news reporter, and I might have if I thought it would do either of us any good. But I felt no guilt at all and didn't need to confess, and Susan didn't need to hear a confession that was given out of vengefulness.
"Think about a boat trip, John."
"I will."
"Oh, Edward and Carolyn both called. They send their love to you. They're drafting letters, but that might take a while." She smiled. "I'll call them when I get back. See you in a few days."
"Be careful, John. You really shouldn't go out alone." "I'll stay in the Sound. Nothing tricky. I'll be fine." I added, "Good luck tonight." I turned and walked away and heard her call out, "Don't go to the Caribbean without me."
I pulled into the yacht club an hour later, having stopped at a deli in Bayville to pick up beer, baloney, and bread. You can live on beer, baloney, and bread for three days before scurvy and night blindness set in. I carried the case of beer and the bag of groceries to the boat in one trip and set everything down on the dock. As I was about to jump aboard, I noticed a cardboard sign encased in a sheet of clear plastic, hanging from the bow rail. I bent down and read the sign:
I stared at the sign awhile, trying to comprehend how this thing got on my boat.
After a full minute, I stood and loaded my provisions on board. As I went about casting off, I noticed that people in nearby boats were looking at me. I mean, if I needed a final humiliation, this was it. Well, but it could have been worse. Let's not forget that right here on Long Island in colonial times, people were put in wooden cages and dunked in ponds, they were tarred and feathered, locked in pillories, and whipped in public. So one little cardboard sign was no big deal. At least I didn't have to wear it around my neck. I started the engine and took the Paumanok out into the bay. I noticed that on the door that led below was the same sign as the one on the bow rail. I saw yet another one tied to the main mast. Well, I couldn't say I didn't see the sign, could I?
I cut the engine and let the boat drift with the tide and wind. It was late afternoon, a nice summer Sunday in August, a bit cooler than normal, but comfortable.
I really missed this while I was in Manhattan: the smell of the sea, the horizons, the isolation, and the quiet. I opened a can of beer, sat on the deck, and drank. I made a baloney sandwich and ate it, then had another beer. After five days of menus, room service, and restaurants, it was nice to make myself a baloney sandwich and drink beer from a can.