“How was that fiendish?”
“The coin was a counterfeit.”
“My God! Did he know?”
“Sure. It was deliberate. That was the forecast; to see how I’d behave after I discovered it; try to pass it, sell it, exchange it, ask him for a genuine coin, squeal on him to the fuzz, whatever.”
“What did you do?”
“Nothing. When I found out the gift was a phony I was hurt and disappointed, but I never did anything. I put the fake away in a drawer and never mentioned it. Grandy was very sad. He said, ‘Ah, le pauvre petit. He will never be able to cope with the hard knocks.’”
Shima fell silent. At last Gretchen asked, “And that adds up to… ?”
“I thought, I wanted, I believed that Ildefonsa was making a genuine gold gift to me, and I gave whatever gifts I had in return.”
“Ah! Including a pet diamond?” Gretchen snapped jealously.
“I try to give you more than the diamond. I tried to give her more, but she was a false coin. A counterfeit. I’ve put her away in a drawer. I can’t take her out again.”
“So underneath that bright, brilliant, witty facade, you’re just a poor, romantic schnook.”
“I can’t take the knocks, which is why I’ve spent my life hiding in labs. If there’s one thing for sure, it’s Newton’s Third Law of Humor. For every joke, there’s an equal and opposite hurt.”
She kissed his cheek. “I’ll be extra gentle and kind to you, I promise, and I’ll tackle this Ildefonsa bitch alone.”
“She’s an Ipanema hard-case, Gretch. She won’t be easy to crack. She feels nothing. I know.”
“One way or another I’ll get what we want. You just keep her locked up in that drawer and throw the key away.”
* * *
Ildefonsa Lafferty was assault prone. Gretchen took her in with one lightning rake of the eye, as only women can, and itemized her coldly. Dyed red hair, but manifestly a natural redhead, as the milky skin, brows, lashes, and Mount of Venus proclaimed through the transparent white shift. (“Flaunty display. Trashy!”) Not tall. Juicily rounded. Thrusting plummy breasts. (“Should lose ten pounds.”) Assured. Defiant. Glowing with—What? (“Chutzpah!”) Hateful. (“How could Blaise ever have—?”)
“So? What d’you see?” Ildefonsa challenged.
Gretchen accepted the défi. “That you’re an open invitation to rape.”
“Thank you, but flattery will get you nowhere. Come in. Gretchen Bunn, is it?” (Gretchen had been carefully and accurately announced by Oasis Security downstairs.) “Come in, Gretchen Bunn.”
(“Blaise was right; this one won’t be easy.”)
Ildefonsa led Gretchen out of the mirrored foyer into the enormous living room. It looked odd and interesting. There were illuminated vitrines filled with curious collections; sundials, ear trumpets, walking sticks, matchbook porn, French letters, death masks, dog collars. But there was no noting details in the presence of this volupt. Her crimson glory outshone everything, and she was only too aware of it. Gretchen was pleased to see that despite her overpowering assets this fata Morgana moved awkwardly. (“Badly coordinated—except in bed, most likely.”)
Answering Gretchen’s opening rape reply, Ildefonsa said, “I chase them into the horizontal first and accuse later, but only if the performance is below standard.”
“I can believe that.”
“You better believe it.”
“And I’m sure your standards are exalted.”
“Why not? I’ve earned them.” Ildefonsa contemplated Gretchen indifferently. “I’d say you’re an open invitation to a climbing plant.”
“Yes, I would enjoy being wrapped around.”
“By what? Men? Women? Beans? Grapes?”
“I never could dig a gig with chlorophyll, Miz Lafferty. Men only.”
“At least that’s the plural. There’s hope for you, Miz Funn.”
“It’s Nunn. Gretchen Nunn. Hope for me? You think my horizons should be enlarged?”
“Let’s say enhanced and enyanced.”
“So you know Guff Blurt.”
“I’ve heard enough to know the score.”
(“This sex contest will get me nowhere; she’s too old a hand at it. Try the humble approach.”)
“You’re right, Miz Lafferty, I—”
“Call me Ildefonsa, child.”
“Thank you, Ildefonsa. I’ve intruded because my horizons should be enyanced.”
“By me? Sorry, child, I don’t dig the dyke gig.”
“No, not that way. I’ve come to the Venus Mantrap for advice.”
“Venus Mantrap? Don’t be insolent. There is a brain inside this beautiful red bod.”
(“Oops! She has a redheaded temper. Careful!”)
Gretchen smiled. “Red is beautiful. I have to back the black numbers.”
“That figures.” Ildefonsa gave her a token smile, then broke into song in a peanut-whistle voice: “It take a long, tall, brownskin gal to make a preacher put the Bible down…”
Gretchen applauded enthusiastically. “Heavensville! Wherever did you learn that bijou?”
“From a long, tall, brownskin stud.”
“It’s a perfect line for me. Thank you. You know, this is my lucky day. I knew it would be when I hit six on the black three times running this morning.”
“Three sixes. Adding up to eighteen. Quite a score.”
“Or six hundred sixty-six?”
Ildefonsa shook her head. “You’re a dreamer. No stud in this world can score that.”
“If any stud could score six sixty-six, you’d be the one to make him.”
“Don’t be jealous of your betters, child.”
(“Safe. She doesn’t connect me with 666 Hell Gate. I’ve kept my promise to protect Burne. Now let’s get what we need from her.”)
“Not jealous, Ildefonsa. Envious.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“I don’t have your kind of luck with men.”
Ildefonsa snorted. “Luck!”
“So that’s why I followed my lucky number to 18 Canker Alley and the Rubor Tumor Pharm.”
“The Rubor Tumor Pharm? I don’t know it. Rubor Tumor. What a yummy name.”
“But you must know it, Ildefonsa.”
“Are you calling me a liar, child?”
“No. Wait. I asked them for a prescription that would turn men on.”
“You can’t mean it.”
“But I do. Rubor Tumor told me that they’d put together that kind of prescription for you.”
“That is a lie. I don’t need that sort of thing.” Ildefonsa wrinkled her milky brow. “It’s a crazy mistake. Or else they were guffing you. I’ve never been there. I didn’t even know about the Pharm until you told me just now. It has to be a guff.”
“Rubor Tumor claims they compounded some sort of sexy incense for you that turns men on.”
“What? Incense? Sexy incense?”
“So they said, and that’s why I’m here… to ask you what it is and how you use it… if you’ll be kind enough to tell me. I need all the help I can get.”
“But I never—” She stopped in mid-sentence, thought, then burst out laughing. “Of course. That must be it. He must have told them the incense was for me.” She gave Gretchen a genuinely friendly look. “Thank you, Gretchen. I haven’t had a good laugh in ages.”
“But he, Ildefonsa? Who? I don’t understand.”
The redhead was so delighted that she did a complete volte-face and was almost affectionate. “Never you mind who, lovey. That’s a secret. But I can tell you that the incense wasn’t intended to grab men, it was meant to grab the—No, I won’t tell you; you’d never believe it. I’ll show you. We’re meeting in the hive this afternoon, and I’ll bring you along. A new face will be entertaining and, who knows, you may even join up. I have the feeling that you’re just our type.”
“Wait a minute; you’re going too fast. What’s all this? Meeting? Hive? Entertaining? To who?”