“Y’all’re lookin’ at me like ah’m traumatized or somethin’,” Wade grinned without looking up from the menu. “Christ, all ‘at happened wuz ah got shot inna butt. Wanna see mah scar?”
“Knew we’d walk in on an awkward moment,” came Alex’s voice.
“Aw, hey, Alex,” Wade smiled, and then blinked in awe. Drew glanced up to say hello before taking his shot, then promptly sent the cue ball off the table as he did a double-take. Jason, for his part, looked on in shock.
“This is Lorelei,” Alex said, tilting his head to the phenomenal beauty holding his hand. “Lorelei, this is Wade, Drew and Jason.”
As if her tight slacks, bare midriff and low neckline hadn’t done enough to dominate the room for all three of Alex’s lifelong friends, her confident smile settled the matter. “Hi,” was all she said.
It took some effort to get conversation going again after that.
* * *
“You hadn’t told me you tried to enlist in the military,” said Lorelei.
“Tried,” Alex shrugged. “Didn’t.” He stood on the other side of the pool table, waiting for Jason to make his shot. Lorelei and Wade sat at the small bar table nearby. “It didn’t seem like something worth mentioning.”
“Quack quack,” Jason smirked.
“Naw, it’s true, he did,” Wade said. “He went through enlistment processin’ with me. We wuz supposed t’ go to boot camp t’gether, too. It’s one of those things they can do when they draw up your papers, y’know? Go in on the buddy system.”
“Why didn’t it work out?” Lorelei asked, intrigued. She held her drink just below her lips, stirring and looking entirely at Alex while the group talked.
“Alex failed the underwear duck test,” Drew put in quicker than Alex could speak.
“Sleepwalking,” Alex frowned. “The questionnaire they had us fill out asked if I’d ever been sleepwalking, and I did it, like, twice when I was in fifth grade. But I was all worried that they’d know somehow or something, so I checked ‘yes,’ and then during the whole formal screening process the crusty old doctors running everybody through the tests got all freaked out about it.”
“And then he fell down while doing the duck walk in his underwear,” Jason snickered. Wade laughed, too.
Lorelei’s interested smile did not diminish. “Explain,” she told Wade.
“Hell, this is like having my mom bust out an album of embarrassing baby photos,” Alex grumbled.
“So they give Alex all this shit about sleepwalkin’, right?” Wade began. “But they let ‘im continue on, an’ they do all that stuff where they check your vision, check your hearin’, pull you in a back room to turn your head an’ cough.” Jason and Drew both grabbed their groins, turned their heads and coughed. Alex grumbled again.
Wade continued. “But there wuz this one test. Ah don’t know how or why this makes sense t’ anyone. Maybe they check t’ make sure every little bit of you bends right or maybe they’re jus’ tryin’ to get embarrassin’ hidden videos of everyone. Anyway, they line us up against the wall in this big, empty room, an’ there’s like a half dozen old, old doctors sittin’ on folding chairs on the other side of the room. An’ they tell us to strip down t’ our skivvies. Stand on one foot, then th’ other, all that stuff. Then they have everyone squat down as low as they can an’ walk like a duck from one end of th’ room t’ the other.”
Lorelei just listened with obvious mirth on her face. “I still say that’s just a hazing ritual,” Drew put in. “No way is that a combat skill.”
“Well, ya never know what’s gonna come up in combat. Ah mean, y’all might have t’ crawl aroun’ here, climb there, suddenly do some jumpin’ jacks in a firefight,” Wade said sarcastically. “Strip down t’ your underwear an’ duck-walk out t’ the enemy. Ah imagine th’ Taliban are terrified by that, but mah unit never tried it.”
“And so Alex failed this test?”
Wade nodded, grinning widely. “Motherfucker fell down twice. Knocked people over.”
“I lost my balance,” Alex frowned.
“Apparently,” Jason giggled.
“You laugh like an eight-year-old girl,” Alex retorted.
“You duck-walk like a retard,” Jason countered. Drew got a kick out of that one. So did Lorelei.
“So yeah, between that an’ the sleepwalkin’, they sent Alex home,” Wade finished.
“And then I didn’t have any of my university applications together in time, ‘cause I didn’t think I’d have a hard time getting into the military,” Alex sighed, “which is how I landed where I am today.”
“Aw. I’m glad that you had such trouble on that test,” Lorelei said affectionately. “Otherwise we may never have met.”
“You say that now,” Jason nodded, “but someday you’ll be watching a Donald Duck cartoon, and you’ll turn to Alex driven wild by passion and ask him if he can-oh look, Alex scratched on the eight ball,” he grinned. “Can’t imagine why. Guess that’s game. Rack ‘em.”
Alex sighed, glared at Jason, and then grabbed the rack.
“So y’all ain’t from ‘round here,” Wade said to Lorelei finally.
Lorelei grinned, her elbow on the table. “Naw,” she said.
“Y’all makin’ fun of mah accent now?”
“Reckon ah am,” she drawled sweetly. Her accent was perfect.
“I like her,” Drew declared as he picked his glass up off the table for a gulp.
“I’m still suspicious,” Jason shrugged. He looked to Alex, who was finishing up racking the balls. “She’s too good for you. I’m guessing she’s a relative. Cousin or aunt or something.”
“Could I perhaps assuage your concerns by making out with my man?” Lorelei offered, dropping the southern accent.
“See, now she sounds British ‘r somethin’,” Wade said.
Alex rolled his eyes, walked over to Lorelei and kissed her deeply. She was more than happy to accept him, wrapping her arms around his neck and slipping a leg up against his.
“That doesn’t prove anything,” Jason shrugged.
“Hey, Alex, y’all gotta let ‘er up. It’s her break,” Wade noted.
Laughing, Lorelei slipped out of Alex’s arms. She picked up a cue stick, strutted to the end of the table, and put half the balls on the table into pockets right off the break. With barely a glance at the guys, Lorelei strode from shot to shot, sinking every ball in turn until finally she declared, “Eight ball, corner pocket,” and stretched across the table before sinking that, too.
Alex wasn’t terribly surprised. Drew, Jason and Wade all looked on in stunned silence. “Perhaps it would be best if I let someone else break next game?” she asked.
* * *
An hour later, she fit in just fine. To say that she was “one of the guys” would have been far from the mark. Lorelei clearly had little in common with them, and was quite spectacularly not a guy. But she held her own, neither seriously flirting nor being standoffish. Lorelei may have been there as Alex’s girl, but soon enough she was everyone’s friend.
She had them talking openly about topics that were normally sensitive: Drew’s mixed racial heritage, Wade’s experience in the war. Even conspiracy-minded Jason gave up theorizing how Alex’s “date” could be some sort of prank or stunt.
Eventually, Lorelei beckoned Alex close to her with a finger. He came over, smiling at her. “They like you,” he noted.
“I know. I’m glad. Alex, they’ll want to talk to you a bit without me present.”
“About you, you mean?”
“It’s natural,” Lorelei shrugged. “I have arrangements to make for the weekend. The hour is late, but not for what I have to handle. Would you like me to give you some space?”
After a moment’s thought, Alex nodded. “Might be good, I guess.”
She leaned over, kissed him, then made her goodbyes. “He’s gotten to lay around all day while I’ve been taking care of business,” Lorelei said. “I’d like to call it a night. Can someone do me a favor and take him home for me?”