So why did he feel the way he did?
Was Rei’s distress over this woman declaring her hatred of him due to some unconscious desire to court the favor of the opposite sex? Would he feel the same way if this doctor had been a man? But he couldn’t count the number of times other women had said that they hated him.
Captain Foss held her breath for a few moments, waiting for Rei to say something. When it looked like he wasn’t going to, she spoke instead.
“What happened between you and Yukikaze?”
Rei sighed and asked which way to go, ignoring her question.
“We’ve got a meeting to get to. Show me the way.”
“I can’t take much more of this, Captain Fukai. Even you must have emotions. There isn’t a human alive who can be told that they’re hated and not feel something about it. I know there’s some sort of wound in your heart.”
“I’m not here to fight with you, and I don’t know you well enough to have some sort of lovers’ quarrel either.”
“The meeting’s over there. You can’t miss seeing Major Booker, can you? Rei, don’t try to avoid talking about things. This is a serious problem for you.”
“What problem?”
“You want to have a fight. You want your ‘lovers’ quarrel’ to turn into an actual loving relationship.”
“That’s ridiculous. Why would I want that sort of relationship with you—”
“Not with me. With Yukikaze. Captain Fukai, I’ll ask you again: what happened between you and Yukikaze?”
“No comment.”
“Then I’ll do the talking. Think of this as a monologue. You’ve been told by Yukikaze that she hates you. Not a while ago, but very recently. And so what I said reminded you of that—”
“Yukikaze has no emotions.”
“But you do. Even you don’t know what will happen if, for example, somebody says that they hate you, and now Yukikaze is ignoring you. When I asked you before if Yukikaze was your lover, you knew already that she wasn’t. That wasn’t the relationship you shared before. You want to go back to that relationship, but you also know now that you can’t. So you attempted to erase your irritation, your feelings of being jilted, by mocking me. But when I refused to play along, you felt how empty you really were inside.”
Foss continued. “The problem is that Yukikaze is changing, whether you like it or not. When I said I hate you and don’t want to talk to you anymore, it felt like it was coming from Yukikaze. The reason for this must be that something similar happened between you and she. That’s why I asked you what it was. You don’t have to tell me, but then I want you to please stop using me as your emotional outlet. I’m an individual human being too, Captain Fukai. I’m not your lover, your best friend, your caregiver, your mommy, or your babysitter, and I’d like you to please stop mocking me. If I wasn’t a doctor, I’d tell you that you’re not the only human being and that you should try to be aware of how self-centered you are.”
“You have been telling me that,” Rei said.
“I said this was a monologue.”
“Well, since you are a doctor, I’ll tell you this: You see me as a patient with psychological problems. You wouldn’t say what you did to most people, because there’s no need to. If you hate somebody, you can just stay away. So was everything you did planned from the start? Did you intentionally try to piss me off just to see what my reaction would be?”
“You’re letting your imagination run away with you,” Foss said. “You really don’t understand how to interact with people at all, do you?”
“Because your attitude is constantly changing on me.”
“I haven’t changed one bit. Or maybe you’re asking me to wear a little meter on my chest that’ll tell you when I’m angry or sad, in a good mood or a bad one.”
“That’d actually be a big help to me,” Rei said.
“Even if I did wear one, you wouldn’t look at it. Or maybe you would, but you wouldn’t understand it. That’s the sort of person you are. You should restrict your lovers’ quarrels to Yukikaze. She’s got plenty of meters for you to read.” And with that Captain Foss stalked off.
I think I’m the one being used as an emotional outlet here, Rei thought. More taken aback than shocked, he followed after her.
Still, he thought, I have to take my hat off to her powers of insight. Captain Foss had transferred into the SAF only a short time ago, but she already understood very well what Yukikaze meant to him. While Rei had been busy lately seeing what changes were going on in Yukikaze, this doctor had observed changes in him instead.
Feelings of being jilted was what Captain Foss had called it. In response to Yukikaze’s peculiar actions lately, he found himself feeling as though he’d been betrayed by his lover. Having the fact pointed out to him, he had no choice but to agree.
But Yukikaze wasn’t that sort of companion. Their relationship wasn’t the sweet one of lovers, and he could see that now. It was much harsher than that. Yukikaze would cast him away if he wasn’t able to provide what she asked of him. That wouldn’t lead to an emotion as sentimental as being jilted. Being cast aside by Yukikaze was a matter of whether or not his life had meaning.
Much as he didn’t want to talk about his feelings of abandonment, there was no denying that he did feel fear in his heart. Captain Foss had pointed out something like that to him.
Not understanding and then being abandoned. He hated that. No, there was a perfectly straightforward way he could express it.
“I…” Rei had stopped again. He turned his head to look back and murmured, “I’m afraid of Yukikaze.”
That was how he really felt, the true feelings he felt toward her that he hadn’t wanted to admit. Actually saying the words made him shiver.
He was being warned of a coming separation from the companion with whom he thought he’d shared a deep relationship. And Rei knew that the cause of his estrangement from Yukikaze was from some internal trait or deficiency of his.
Just as Captain Foss had pointed out, he didn’t know how to get along with other people. Even though it was so simple. Strangers are other people, and he and other people were all beings who lived in different worlds, internal worlds. Rei would have been better off if he’d just acknowledged the truth. Real relationships started from there. Whether between enemies or lovers, it didn’t matter. In short, up till then, he’d never actually had a relationship with anybody. Not even with Yukikaze.
Major Booker had told him the same thing, but he hadn’t been able to acknowledge his true feelings before. He hadn’t been able to admit that he was afraid of Yukikaze now. I’ve never really feared others, and so no one has ever feared me. That’s why others tell me, “I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”
The thing he needed to fear now was Yukikaze. After that, the JAM. Rei realized that he’d never really feared the enemy before. Talking with Captain Foss had allowed him to see that.
“It’s okay, Captain Fukai,” Captain Foss said, turning to face him. “You’ll be able to get control of Yukikaze. And even if you don’t, no one will blame you for it. You know Yukikaze better than anyone else.”
“I can’t even have an argument with her.”
“So keep close watch on those meters. Use her gauges to have your arguments. That’d suit you better, anyway.”