‘Like me,’ Janine pointed out.
Archie heard the sarcasm in her voice. He leaned across the table and took her hands. He played the grandfather now. ‘Listen, Janine, I won’t pretend that this is anything but what it is. Hard. Long. Painful. That said, it is not the end of your life. As impossible at it may seem right now, you’ll have to find a way to embrace it.’
‘Embrace it,’ Janine said. She smoothed her blond hair. ‘What would that look like, do you suppose?’
‘I have no idea.’
‘Well, you’re honest, Archie. The fact is, I’m a doctor. That’s all I am. It’s my whole life. I never wanted to be anything else. And now I can’t be that anymore. So what do you suggest I do?’
‘I’m sorry. I don’t know. However, you’re not the only doctor in prison. Some find other ways to use their professional knowledge. Others decide to explore a completely different side of themselves.’
‘You’re assuming I have one,’ Janine said.
Archie waited. Then he said: ‘Are you a danger to yourself?’
‘You mean suicide?’
‘Yes, that’s what I mean.’
‘No, Archie. That’s the good thing about being an incorrigible narcissist. We can’t imagine depriving the world of our presence.’
‘I’m serious,’ he said.
‘So am I.’
Archie tried to see if there was any real threat behind the jokes, but smarter men than he had tried and failed to decipher the riddle of Janine Snow. She took pride in that.
‘You’re wrong,’ she told him.
‘About what?’
‘This is the end. It’s like death, really. People go away, and we go on with our lives. That’s what’s going to happen to me. I’ll go away, and people will forget about me. I hate that.’
‘That’s not true. How many lives have you saved? Those people and their families aren’t going to forget you. I imagine many of them still thank you in their prayers every night.’
She shook her head. ‘I wish they wouldn’t do that. It’s a waste of time. Patients are always sending me gifts, knitting me sweaters, lighting candles for me. I wish they’d stop and accept it for what it is. Some debts aren’t meant to be repaid. It’s better not to try.’
He didn’t have an answer for her. Instead, he gathered his papers and stood up. ‘I’ll be in touch as I know more,’ he said.
‘Of course.’
Janine’s eyes traveled from wall to wall. She wasn’t any closer to accepting them. Each time she looked, it seemed as if the walls had pushed inward, making the space around her smaller.
‘So what would it take?’ she asked. ‘To throw out the conviction.’
‘The appeal process—’
‘Not the appeal,’ she said. ‘I’m not talking about legal loopholes. I mean, what would it take to really prove that I didn’t shoot Jay? Enough for a judge to release me.’
Archie looked down at her, trying to gauge if she was serious. After all, he still believed that she was the one who pulled the trigger. ‘Honestly?’ he asked. ‘The gun. And the jewelry. In someone else’s hands.’
Howard sat in Judge Edblad’s office. He’d dressed in a tie again, the way he had during the trial. His collar was moist where his neck sweated. The office in the courthouse was formal, with an oak desk and a flag, but he also saw pictures of the judge with his family and posters on the walls from Disney World. It was strange to think of the judge as a human being.
‘Mr. Marlowe,’ Judge Edblad said, entering the office from the corridor and taking a seat across from him at the conference table. He wore a suit, not the robe he’d worn in the courtroom. ‘My clerk said you wanted to talk to me.’
‘Yes.’
Howard tried to go on. He’d rehearsed the words, and now they left him. He didn’t know what to say.
‘Well, what can I do for you?’
‘It’s about the trial of Dr. Snow. I’m having second thoughts.’
‘Second thoughts? In what way?’
‘I voted with the others to convict her. I said she was guilty, but now I’m not sure.’
The judge tented his fingers on the table. He didn’t roll his eyes or tell Howard that he was a fool. There was a patience about the man that Howard liked. ‘Why is that?’ he asked.
‘I just — I just wonder if she really did it. And now with the news of that killer in the mall—’
‘That was a horrifying incident,’ the judge agreed. ‘If the police uncover any evidence to suggest that Mr. Klayman could have murdered Mr. Ferris, then Dr. Snow’s attorney will certainly file a motion to throw out her conviction. However, that’s not anything you need to concern yourself with.’
‘I know. I’m just having doubts.’
‘I understand. I’d like you to answer a few questions for me. Did any of the other jurors pressure you to vote to convict? Were you subject to any threats or intimidation?’
‘Oh, no. I mean, I was the only hold-out at first, but they didn’t pressure me. Eleanor was good. She talked me through the evidence. In the end, I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I don’t know.’
‘So when I asked you in the courtroom to confirm that you shared in the unanimous verdict, did you answer fully and truthfully that you were voting guilty?’
‘Yes—’
Judge Edblad nodded. ‘You made a difficult decision, Mr. Marlowe. Now you’re having second thoughts about it. It’s not uncommon. We call it buyer’s remorse. Unfortunately, in the absence of any actual misconduct in the jury room, it doesn’t constitute sufficient grounds to void the verdict.’
Howard tensed. ‘Except — except I want to change my vote.’
‘It’s too late. The trial is over.’
‘What if I talk to Mr. Gale?’ Howard asked.
‘You can certainly do that. I’ll inform him of our conversation, too, as well as Mr. Erickson. However, a juror changing his mind after the fact isn’t enough for a new trial. I’m sorry.’
Howard stood up. He felt crushed. ‘I see. I’m sorry to bother you, your honor.’
‘It isn’t a problem, Mr. Marlowe. Being a juror is a weighty responsibility. Everyone in this courthouse understands and respects that. You did your civic duty, and now you can go on with your life.’
The judge stood up, too, and walked Howard to his office door. He clapped him on the shoulder, showed him out, and shut the door behind him. Howard could see the jury room in front of him, where the deliberations had taken place. It was empty. He wanted to go inside, sit down again, and change the past.
Go on with your life.
That was what Carol had said, too. We can go back to living our lives.
They all wanted him to forget about Janine, but Howard couldn’t do that.
35
Cindy sat on the green bench at the end of the Point in the midst of a small patch of sand by the bay. She checked her watch, but Jonny was late. He usually was. She’d gotten used to it over the years.
This was Jonny’s place, where he went to stare at the calm waters. As teenagers, they’d first talked about marriage here, in that awkward way that young lovers grope toward their future. When Jonny’s mother died, they’d come here to talk about the good and bad of her life. Now it seemed like the right place for them to talk about other things.
It was dusk. The August days were getting shorter, stealing away the sunlight. Long shadows filled the park behind her. At her feet, crowns of golden alexanders swayed as the breeze blew, and the bay ripples gurgled at the beach. As warm as it was, she shivered. There were moments late in every summer where you got the first kiss of fall, a little finger up your spine that reminded you of what lay ahead.