He holds me now. When my face hits his chest, the bitter taste of whiskey livens in my mouth. Jeremy kisses my neck but won’t touch my sinful lips.
“I love you,” he says, holding me tighter. “I love you so much.”
He lets me cry there in his chest, rubs my back. “I love you, too,” I say.
“I don’t even care about the money,” he says. “Whatever he gave you will never be enough. I don’t even want it.”
I don’t want to talk.
He squeezes me. “How much was it?” he say.
I hug him back. Hard as I can.
He say, “It don’t matter. I’m just so sorry, Mimi. I promise to God that I’ll win back double. Triple. And we’ll leave tonight. Get married like we meant to.”
“Nothing,” I say.
“What was that, doll?”
There’s doll again.
I say, “He didn’t give me nothing.”
He throws his arms off me. “Bastard didn’t pay you!” He turns away from me, headed to the parlor door.
I stop him. “He didn’t want me. I tried but he didn’t want me.”
“How hard did you try?”
I cain’t answer.
“I’m sorry,” he say. “I love you so much, Mimi. We’ll find another way.”
28 / MAY 1864, Tallassee, Alabama
WE’RE ALL BORN empty.
Got a empty place inside us that needs to be filled and refilled by something real. And if you believe as I believe, it’s the seat of God. Love. God is love. But for these needy bodies, almost anything will do.
We start that way. Needy. Babies crying for food and drink and warmth. And as we get older, we fill our empty with anything promising wholeness, or peace from it — friends, alcohol, sex, money. But the only thing that quenches for a long spell — forever if we want — is love.
The love we choose.
And renewed love is as beautiful as new, I think. Like finding sweet things in old linted pockets, brushed off and licked new. Syrupy sweet, they are. The way they were first made to be.
I imagine when Mr. and Mrs. Graham were young they were filled with love. And the first time he saw her, he got a big lump in his throat while she ignored him completely.
I imagine his humor, his kindness, and the kiss he snuck on the day of a church picnic, made her give herself to him. That they exchanged letters that made her blush and she showed ’em to her friends.
I imagine he’d always find ways to skip fishing to see her, to hold hands with her, to waste time daydreaming ’cause nothing else mattered.
I imagine they laid on the grass near some stream when it was in full spring bloom and they shared wild dreams and the names they’d give their children.
I imagine they loved each other deeply, with every bit of themselves, they did.
But now, another woman lies in Annie’s bed.
ANNIE WAS JUST finishing her wartime party, a fundraiser for something-rather, when I came this afternoon and found Kathy upstairs in Annie’s bed. Richard, who had slipped away from the party, was waiting across the room from her, and Doctor had his head on Kathy’s fully covered chest. “Cough,” he said.
When she did, he raised his ear off her chest and put two fingers at the side of her neck, said, “Missus Graham is gracious to allow you to utilize her bed. Her room.”
“Yes,” Kathy told Doctor. “My cousins have always been very kind.”
Doctor rearranged his fingers on Kathy’s neck like playing a small piano there, feeling for something. “Cough,” he said again. “Sounds to me like Annie has her priorities in order now. Before today, I would’ve told Richard that he’d be right to divorce her. For her madness. Likely brought on by her barren condition. Especially after she’s brought ill to the Graham home in the manner she has. Roll to your left side.”
“Well, it’s good to be home,” Richard said and turned around into Kathy’s gaze.
“Is it good?” Kathy said.
“It was the right decision,” Doctor said. “It won’t be long until the danger reaches Tallassee and this property. Annie shouldn’t have to go it alone.”
“It’s dangerous everywhere,” Kathy said.
“Union armies burned whole cities in Virginia,” Doctor said. “Murdered innocent civilians. Lincoln is a war criminal, is what. Marauding and looting.”
“Is that us or them?” Kathy said.
“Beg pardon?” Doctor said.
“I heard our own Home Guards are doing their fair share against the innocent. Harassing folks. Richard? How many times were we stopped at gunpoint on the road here?”
“Forgive Katherine,” Richard said. “She’s confused. Our Home Guards have important jobs to do. Protect my property — all civilian property — intercept stragglers, deserters, folks avoiding conscription. . cowards.”
“Is that what we look like to everybody?” Kathy said. “Cowards?”
“Disqualified,” Richard said. “No one here’s avoided service. It’s been my misfortune. And every town needs a doctor on hand.”
Doctor laid his head on Kathy’s belly.
“See, she’s simple,” Richard said. “She believes everything is cut and dry.”
“War is. . complicated,” Doctor said to Katherine, nodding with a look of sorry, as if he were explaining a dead pet to a child.
“I heard about what happened in Texas,” Kathy said. “Sixty-five sleeping Confederates executed by other Confederates. You can’t trust anybody.”
“They were avoiding service,” Richard said. “Escaping to Mexico.”
“Deserters,” Doctor said.
“Brothers deserving a fair trial,” Kathy said.
“And I imagine they’ll be plenty more,” Doctor said. “Our army will be working long after we win this war to punish criminals. Our Home Guards and other military men will have to become bounty hunters. Have you heard the numbers, Richard?”
“Thousands,” Richard said.
“No, tens of thousands of deserters,” Doctor said. “Good thing there’s no statute of limitations on cowards.”
“Or murderers,” Kathy said. “But that’s not y’all. Y’all are good men. Richard, for coming home to be here with Annie. And you, Doctor, for ushering human life into the world.”
“Unconventional,” Doctor said. “It’s what I do. Most folks believe the act of delivering babies is a woman’s job.”
“Unconventional, Doctor?” Kathy said.
“It means I can perform a job that most men won’t,” he said. “It’s really no different than handling any other animal.”
Richard laughed. “The biggest difference is that the other animals don’t talk.”
“Then it’s our good fortune you’ve chosen the profession,” Kathy said.
“She has an aversion to negroes,” Richard said.
“The thought of one touching my baby. .”
“It’s understandable,” Doctor said. “You’d be in your most vulnerable moments. A good white woman wouldn’t necessarily want strange negroes helping to bring her baby into the world. My wife would have chosen the same, bless her departed soul.”
He touched the other side of Kathy’s neck, her back, and her ankles through her clothes while he talked to Richard. Told him that this was the End Times. It’s what the Bible describes as the end of the world, marked by war and suffering. Doctor said he was ready to survive it. Made his home a blockhouse against enemies and weapons. Added rosebushes out front, said, “The bushes make good bullet stoppers. Most people think gunfights happen between the tits and naval. They don’t. They happen twelve inches off the ground.”
Doctor told Richard he should do the same to his house for Annie and Ms. Katherine in case the devil wins this war.
“They won’t win,” Richard said.