My God! My tears come directly. His hand on hers is mine. His skin on mine. My own tears, one’s I ain’t had since dead, sizzle against my burning coal face. I touch his cheek and his skin is smooth and cool like laying a flat palm on the surface of still water.
I breathe.
Take him in.
His hair is the softness of rabbit’s fur. The deep arc of his curls, halos. I follow their curve with my fingertips like tracing smiles. He stays handholding me this way like we’re waiting in line for something. But I have been. Been waiting for a moment like this all my life and after.
Josey breathes. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. I pull away from her feeling like I’m in pieces. Not whole. Never be whole again. She sits up on her knees. She reaches her arms out for Squiggy without me and stands but she cain’t lift him. Her breathing is clear except for a rattle of phlegm. But she’s still winded. She say to Squiggy, “Remember the hide game with Daddy?”
Squiggy squats down and crawls into the log there.
“That’s it,” she say. He pulls his knees into his chest, smiles up at his momma.
“You don’t come out for nothin, all right? For nobody, except me and Daddy. We the only ones who can find you, you understand?”
He shimmies back into the log, waiting to be found. Josey stands and turns into the mouth of the opening. With new tears pouring down her face, she stares down the trees, into the bushes, the dirt, and into the dimming light of dusk — it closes around her in the orange-pink promises for tomorrow. She screams into its shade.
The woods wisp by her as she lumbers forward up the path, my body on fire as I follow. The path ends sudden, dumping her into a small damp clearing, one I ain’t never seen here before.
A manmade gate of twisted leafy limbs and young trees form fence posts meant to guard this entrance but Josey keeps going through it.
I drift around the muddied space, slow and careful and hurting all over, and over plugs of sprouted grass. Empty liquor bottles lay alongside a graveyard of half-buried toys — painted and ceramic. A doll’s head is cracked in the middle and buried, a broken rolling hoop, and a soldier figure. Their erected parts are sticking out of the ground, sun-dulled and dusted over. May have been a playground. One with no laughter. Maybe never.
An old tree house is grounded at the back of the clearing, broken and torn down by a storm or a person. The outside of it is covered in leaves and weeds and got a new tree snaking through it, partly covering a “Keep Out” sign. Its words are mostly rain-sanded away.
I circle the space and pass a clothesline where a young girl’s bloomers hang hand-washed and turned inside out, yellowed in the crotch. Abandoned and dusty cobwebs have made a home on the bloomers, too — a scroll of gray where caught leafs are stuck.
Nobody’s here.
A rustling turns me around to the gate again.
There’s crying.
Rachel’s crying.
The bushes across from Josey give way to George. He got Rachel under his armpit shoving her in the doorway of that house. She pins both feet on each side of the doorway, squats when he tries to push her through. She screams and bites his side. He throws her to the ground and Rachel’s head chips a rock, puts her to sleep. She looks like one of his broken dolls.
“Get away from her!” Josey say, coughing and wheezing. She grabs a big jagged rock from the ground beside her. I fall to the ground next to that rock-emptied space, weakened.
George’s eyes widen and his whole manner change. “Annie?” he say, not seeing Josey. His voice is childlike now. He say, “I was just taking the girl for a walk. She followed me. We were just playing, is all.”
Josey limps further into the clearing, between me and George, wheezing now. Her lips are pale gray.
“Get away from her or I swear I’ll kill you.” She’s hardly holding herself up to stand.
“Did Annie come with you? You gon’ tell on me?” George say.
Josey gasps for air. Again. And again.
“I was just going to talk to her. No harm in just talking. .”
Josey collapses. Her eyes are focused on nothin and shallow sips of air stammer from her lips. The vapors have taken all of her strength.
George seems confused. He steps closer to Josey, cautious at first, then sure. “No Annie. No husband. No daddy. No nobody. Been a long time since we’ve been in these woods together like this, eh?” He kicks Josey in the side as if he’s scattering a pile of leaves. A little louder, “Those were the good ol’ days, weren’t they?”
He rests back on one hip, wipes the sweat from his forehead with a handkerchief, takes out his flask. Pulls a long drink.
George finds his pistol, fiddles with it, drops bullets in one at a time as he takes his time moseying back to Rachel. He stops just above her, studying her, twisting himself around to get a better look. “Shame,” he say. “We didn’t even get to play.” He cocks the pistol.
With a rage inside me, my body is set to flight. Too weak to reach George. I thrust myself inside Josey — the closest — and I’m coal again. I don’t have much time. I fill her lungs, make her breathe, make her grab the stone. Red to silver gray, my forms slough away in fistfuls. My body turning to ash and yet. Stand. We stand. Together we stand. I can feel her strength then. Feel all the years I’ve had to watch her. Only watch.
Not this time.
I can feel my hand turning into nothing as she takes the heavy stone into hers. Raises her arm as I feel my own taken by the wind. All my strength leaves me as she finds her own and slams its jagged edge into the back of George’s head. The thud of rock caving in bone sends his body to the ground. We fall. Together we fall. The rest of me ebbs away to cinder. I feel heavy. Lifted now. Light as the air.
I watch her straddle him, take the rock to his red-wet hair, ’til his whole face is gone.
I cain’t see no more.
I cain’t hear.
I cai
49
I AM DEAD.
I died a long time ago. Before you born, before your mother was born, ’fore your grandmother.
I was a mother, too. And I’ve lost her.
No more flashes.
No more watching.
No distance. No waiting on miracles. This ending is mine.
There’s only darkness here now.
An arc of light just crossed the sky. A star.
A star.
Around it comes many strands of other light. A shower of ’em like a million shooting stars racing down at once. I want to touch ’em.
White spreads around me, gathering together to form a single tunnel of bright.
I know this tunnel.
I know it’s for me.
My vision blurs with tears and I see Momma waiting at the end of it for me, her hand held out to me.
“Naomi,” she say, her voice like a song.
“Momma!” I say.
I want to run to her but I’m frozen here. A small window is behind me, framed in black. And through it I see Josey. This time, walking away from me with Rachel and Squiggy. Her clothes are bloodstained but she’s safe. My grandchildren are clean. They’re so distant now and almost unreal, like looking at a perfect painted picture you cain’t step in.
But I can, if I go back now.
I hesitate. And I’m not sorry for it. Not sorry for my unsure. I’m too old to apologize for the ways I feel. So I’m not sorry for my sadnesses right now, or this love I cain’t contain.
It’s beginning to burst from me. Toward Josey and my grandchildren and Jackson. Toward Momma. Everything around me. I’m consumed.