"People," Benjamin said, "this is not a verbal duel. This is a debate. As such there are stricter protocols than last time. Notably, inappropriate individual responses from the audience will be unacceptable. If this does not meet with your approval, see the cashier on the way out for a refund. Or not, since once again all proceeds will go to the purchase of eyeglasses for under-privileged children.
"Mister Interlocutor, who has the first question?"
The chief sighed.
Lyndon asked, "What was that about?"
"It's all down hill from here. Jimmy is toast and the problems are over. The people who care will accept an honest defeat."
Lyndon was puzzled. "What makes you so sure he's toast?"
"Well, it isn't a secret, but it is a little known fact. Walt studied for the priesthood when he was a very young man. He left when he decided he wanted to be a father in fact instead of in name only. That was about the time he discovered philosophy and started asking question his superiors didn't want to deal with. They started asking if he really had a vocation. So you see? Walt has a clear advantage."
"Which is even more so because you slanted the questions."
The chief just smiled.
"Well, my money is still on Jimmy Dick."
"How much do you want to lose?"
"You're way too confident, Chief. Shall we say one dollar?"
"You're on."
When the first round went to Jimmy, Lyndon smirked. When the second round went to Jimmy, Lyndon chuckled. When the third and fourth rounds went to Jimmy, Lyndon kept his mouth shut and his eyes on the stage to avoid the chief's glare. Round five fell to Jimmy also. Then it seemed as if the barfly ran out of steam. The next four rounds were Walt's and Lyndon wondered if Jimmy could be grandstanding for the crowd.
"Mister Interlocutor, unless there is a tie, who has our tenth and final question for the night?"
"Mister Referee, the last question is from out of town. It is my privilege to read it. 'Is war mankind's greatest glory or greatest shame?' Mister Jenkins, the first response to this question is yours."
"War is mankind's greatest shame," Walt said. Then he gave a heartfelt, well-reasoned defense of his answer lasting four minutes and forty-five seconds. Walt had been supplied with an advance copy of the questions. Jimmy had not been, though Walt did not know this. The crowd, being full of people who had seen more of war than they wanted and were sick of it, responded with applause and a standing ovation.
"Well," the chief said, "we go to a tie-breaker. Care to go double or nothing?"
"No, Chief. I'll be taking enough of your money as it is."
"Mister Shaver," the interlocutor said, "is war mankind's greatest glory or greatest shame."
Jimmy stood and took the podium. "Neither," he said. "A man's greatest glory is to love his wife and raise his children well." Jimmy started to sit down.
The judge interrupted him. "Mister Shaver, you did not answer the question. The question is not what is a man's greatest glory. But rather, 'is war mankind's greatest glory or greatest shame.'" The judge emphasized the word mankind.
"War is only glorious when you win with an acceptable casualty rate. Any casualty rate is unacceptable to the casualties or their families. So, since there is always at least one loser in a war, it is glorious less than half the time. Still, mankind's greatest shame is not war. Mankind's greatest shame is an uncherished child." With this Jimmy did sit down.
No applause followed. At first there was only a dead silence and then a great deal of subdued conversation.
The hat was passed as it was at the end of each round. But the tabs were not counted. The two judges were in agreement. The referee announced the winner at six rounds to five.
Jimmy took the podium and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen-and yes, Benny, I mean you-" This, being a reference to when Benjamin said the same to Jimmy Dick in the first debate, got the laugh Jimmy wanted.
With the crowd laughing, he knew they were paying attention and that he could hold them. He had something serious he wanted to say. "A year ago a man by the name of Wilhelm Krieger came to town. He is Germany's current greatest rising-star in the field of philosophy. No one here ever heard of him. He isn't even in the encyclopedias because he didn't live long enough to get published until we changed history. He asked me the same question about war and I suspect this is the source, directly or indirectly, of tonight's last question.
"When I had dinner with Herr Krieger, I got lucky. Joe Jenkins and Emmanuel Onofrio went with me to dine with the stuffed shirt." Again, the way he said stuffed shirt, got the laugh he needed. "The two of them, being serious philosophers, conversed with Krieger in scholarly Latin so I didn't get a chance to embarrass myself." As he expected he got his laugh. "Or Grantville." Here he neither sought nor got any laughter.
"At the time, both were better philosophers than I will ever be. The title of Grantville's Greatest Philosopher should have gone to them, but it fell to me, and I have spent the last year trying to learn enough to at least talk the game since I will never be able to walk the walk in the footsteps of these two truly great men. And let me tell you, when a dumb hillbilly like me has to learn Latin just because he's been stuck with a title he doesn't deserve, well, it's a life changing experience. But Emmanuel Onofrio can parse Latin right fine like-" Jimmy slipped in a traditional hillbillyism to let people know that he wasn't getting uppity, "-And Joe Jenkins can jabber away in it all day long, and that's without losing his hillbilly accent. So I set out to learn it. Among the other things I learned along the way was a great deal of humility.
"Joe has recently left Grantville and said he will not be coming back. Since he's a man of his word, we will never see him in town again."
Jimmy looked to where he knew Chief Richards stood watching as he had all night. They made eye contact and held it. "With his leaving, we have an empty slot at the top."
Jimmy watched the chief nod. Jimmy nodded back ever so slightly. They understood each other. Jimmy had gotten the message, loud and clear. In the opinion of the chief of police-the chief of police being one of those people whose opinions counted-Jimmy needed to be brought down at least two or three pegs. Jimmy's nod acknowledged the chief had won the day even if Jimmy had won the night.
"Walter's name is Jenkins; so we will not even have to change the letter head; and since he clearly deserves it, it is my privilege, on behalf of myself and Emmanuel Onofrio, at this time, to invite Walter to join the triumvirate as one of Grantville's Greatest Philosophers."
Emmanuel Onofrio turned to his co-judge Pastor Green. "He should have asked me first before sticking me with that title! Now, since he announced it before the world in the way he did, there is no way I can turn it down with out being ungracious or looking like I do not approve of Walt getting the title."
Green looked at the old man he had co-opted to be a judge on the strength of his Masters degree, his forty years in education, his irreproachable reputation and the general respect of the community. The Baptist pastor laughed a light chuckle and then used some inappropriate language. It being rather out of character for the pastor's public persona, but completely on the nail head for the occasion, he said, "Sucks to be you, don't it?"
"What will Jimmy do if someone else comes along that deserves the title, too?"
"Knowing Jimmy," Pastor Green said, "I suspect you will end up with a four person triumvirate."
At first silence filled the gym from one basketball hoop to the other, just like when Jimmy answered the last question. This time, the silence blossomed into a full blown roar of approval.
****
Arrested Development