Cerrelle settled into the green velvet of the chair, then fixed her eyes on me. 'Before we go back to meaningless small talk ... what changed your mind?' Her voice carried an edge, but one softer than when I had been in Lyncol and Runswi before. 'I didn't.'
'It took three of you. Someone asked me some honest questions.' I paused. 'Then she died.'
'And you want me to be her? No, thank you.'
I swallowed what might have been a bitter comeback, since I probably deserved her skepticism. Besides, you want her honesty, Tyndel. 'That was almost two years ago. I don't want you to be her. I don't want you to be Foerga. I thought. I waited to link you. I don't know why ... not exactly ...'
'Tyndel. You may be on the way to being a great Web jockey, but you don't know what you want from women. You never did.'
She was mostly right about that. You're right. Mostly. Can you still understand what I think?'
'I might be able to if I really tried, but most of those nanites would have degenerated. They're not self-replicating, for very obvious reasons.'
I nodded.
'I'm too old to play games, Tyndel. What do you want?'
I swallowed. I'd known it would get down to something that simple. What do you want? 'I still don't know. You're part of it. You have an honesty - a directness. That sort of directness has scared me, always. But I've used things -Dzin, family - to avoid looking at life directly. I pretended I did, but I didn't.'
Tm not a mindtech, either.' Her voice was neutral.
'I don't want a mindtech. I don't want a nurse. I want someone who looks at life as it is, and who will talk about it that way.'
'And ... now ... you want someone to talk with? Just to talk with?'
'I have to start somewhere.' The grin wasn't forced, but I was nervous.
'I can live with that. For now.' This time, she was the one who took the deep breath. 'If you're not playing some elaborate Dzin game.'
'No games.' I never had played games. There was no point in saying that. I'd been angry, unjustly, at her, and I'd been hurt, but I hadn't been out to play games.
'You wanted directness. Do you still want it?'
'I asked you to be who you are.'
'I came here because Andra and Aleyaisha asked me to see you ... once. On the way back from Omega Eridani, I wished you'd dropped into a black hole. You were - you still might be - an arrogant Dzin prig.'
I thought about that. I sipped the Arleen. 'You're probably right. I think part of that is cultural and not personal ...'
'There you go ...'
'... but the result is the same,' I finished. 'How can you be so calm? I'm attacking you. Ignoring my anger isn't honest, either.'
'Do you want me to be honest?' I countered.
The silence fell on her side of the table. Then she laughed. 'I suppose I deserve that. Go ahead.'
'I know ... I hurt you. You went out of your way to try to get me to see what Rykasha was all about, and I refused to see it. I suspect it's also partly because you saw me squandering a talent that is incredibly rare and felt I was a spoiled brat ... I don't know all the reasons why. You tried to be gentle, but you had to be professional, and being you, you also had to be honest. You had to do what was best for Rykasha, no matter how you felt. It's taken me a while, and I do get a little upset when you attack me. I can't deny that. I still don't think you understand how hard it felt for me. But I can also see that you had to take a lot for a long time ... and maybe from a lot of others as well.'
'Not that long,' she said. 'But you made me angry ... and hurt.'
'Why did you come to see me? Rather than link?' My fingers fumbled with the mug, and Arleen slopped over them.
Andra ... Aleyaisha, especially. She has a feel for things. I thought she was wrong, but I promised to see you - in person.'
'And now?' I found myself holding my breath, not even knowing why.
You want to be my friend, Tyndel ... it's going to take some time.'
I didn't answer immediately. 'I got that idea. I wasn't sure if you'd let me try.'
Are you sure you want this? I'll ask you hard questions. I'll tell you if I think you're deceiving yourself, and I won't honeyglaze it. If you want warm and willing women, all you have to do is finish your training and you'll never have to sleep alone - and never have to say you're sorry. Or explain anything.'
Aleyaisha told me that,' I admitted.
'You didn't believe her?'
'I did, and I do. That's not what I want. You can ask her.'
'Tyndel ... you are a case. You know that?' This time, Cerrelle smiled, if briefly, as though I were an impossible puppy dog.
'If you say so, it has to be so.'
'Let's see how wonderful you think that is in a month ... or a year.'
'Fine by me.' I gobbled down some of the duck before I spoke again. 'There are some things that aren't in all the information that's been poured into me, and it's not in the data system.' I raised my eyebrows. 'You can tell me about being a patrol guard in Elena ...'
'It's not that exciting.'
'I get to be the judge of that.'
She took a sip of lemon drink. 'It was the best I could do at the time. I can't handle symbolic analogues. I can do everything else, but I'd be blind in overspace, and I was angry, angry that there was something that all my brains and all my determination couldn't get for me ...'
That explained more, and I nodded. 'So you went for the next most challenging job?'
'The next most challenging I could get in Elena. The Dezret border is the most dangerous. Those Saints are always pushing ... only culture in all Amnord that still doesn't understand what caused the collapses ...'
I took another sip of Arleen and listened, enjoying the energy of her words, the directness. She wasn't softly direct like Foerga, or gentle like Fersonne, or as sympathetic as Aleyaisha, but as sharp and as honest as a blade. She was right - getting to be friends would take time - and some inadvertent wounds.
Still ... I hoped we could survive them. I wanted us to survive them.
55
The universe offers no deception and no encouragement; intelligence creates both.
I looked down at the screen, at the next question: 'Why is shock isolation inappropriate technology for a needle ship?'
From theory and skills, Andra shifted my briefings into ship construction and mechanical engineering. More definitions ... and now schematics ... swirled through my brain. I blinked and began to sort through the latest mental infusion of information.
Outside the wind moaned, and ice pellets snapped against the permaglass. Already, nearly two centimeters of the sleet coated the ground, except for the walks between buildings, where some form of nanite protection kept the stones clear and mostly dry.
I selected an answer.
Sometime later, the wind still alternated between moans and whispers. The ice pellets had changed to crisp flakes falling faster, and I looked at the last question on the screen and finally chose an answer: 'One half the algebraic difference between the maximum and minimum stress across a single cycle (usually a test cycle).'
After rubbing my forehead, I straightened in the chair. The questions were in random order, unrelated to the order in which my brain had accepted the material. That random order was apparently another method to force my brain to do the organizing.
'You're done, Tyndel.' Andra stood in the door. 'You don't need me to tell you that.'
'That's not it. It takes a minute for me ... to stabilize.'
'You're stabilized.'