Chapter 27
THEY BURIED MOLLY in the woods behind the backyard in a cleared space where the sun’s rays used to break through the trees and the dust danced in them like a fireworks display. There was no sunshine that day, nor would there be for the rest of days—just low hanging clouds that pressed the warmth out of their bodies.
Everyone was bundled up so most of their skin was covered. The shades of color in their coats and pants were muted by the surroundings. Sean insisted on doing the digging. The cold sank into Andrew’s clothes, Andrew watching the others shaking, their tears freezing into the cloth around their faces. He winced each time Sean brought the shovel into the hard ground.
Molly’s body lay next to the forming hole, half submerged in the ashen snow. Her skin was a pale white and blue, drained of her vibrancy. She wore a printed floral dress and long-brimmed hat—the same dress she had on when he first saw her, Molly walking into his trigonometry class, clutching her bag in front of herself, not raising her eyes to anyone as she searched for a seat, Andrew thinking then, This is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. Just like that. A girl so delicate and shy and beautiful couldn’t be wrong. So he motioned to her that there was a free seat next to him and introduced himself. When he heard her voice for the first time, his heart melted to a puddle. And continued melting as the days passed. He never knew such a thoughtful and caring and smart person in his entire life. And he resolved, right there, that he would do everything he could to not screw it up with her.
Now, in the same dress, she looked out of place. Like she shouldn’t be there, because she shouldn’t. She should be alive. Here with him.
The hole Sean dug steamed like an ethereal presence was emerging. When it was ready, Sean slammed the shovel into the loosened pile. His eyes appeared distant and deep, like tears were swimming across the surface. He walked over to Molly and knelt at her head and put his arms under her shoulders and legs. He lifted her from the ground and placed her into the hole. When her body came to rest, Sean laced her fingers over her chest. She almost looked at peace.
There were no flowers to toss into her grave, nothing green and alive and lovely to bring out her beauty. There was no holy water to bless her with, and no prayer Andrew could say that would mean anything. The sniffles and mourning sounded into the trees and disappeared into the wind. Sean knelt for a long time next to the grave. It was cruel for a man to need to bury any of his children, let alone two. It was cruel too for another man to put the love of his life to rest at a mere sixteen years of age on the same day as his child in her womb.
He winced again thinking about it. He had spent the last two days in a perpetual haze, walking around in shock, remembering when Molly told him the news. She was snuggling with him on the bed, then sitting up and looking down at him. “I’m pregnant.” She was so scared, Andrew seeing the terror in her eyes, the fear of the unknown. But Andrew smiled and hugged her and told her he was happy. Because despite all the trouble with this news, the thought of this child in this cold world, Molly giving birth with no doctor—despite all of it—Andrew looked into Molly’s eyes and knew it would be all right. So, he kissed her stomach and listened for any signs of life in there, Molly smiling down at him while he did it, Andrew thinking, Wow, my child’s growing inside there right now. His child! The excitement it brought him, the anticipation, the desire to do better than his parents, to do better with this amazing woman he loved so much. All the best things of life he had held right there in his chest—the feelings of excitement and joy and expectation. To have them ripped out in so cruel a manner. Gone. Like it had never happened.
There was nowhere to take that pain. It just existed, with nothing that could ease it. Immeasurable loss. Everything taken from him in a matter of seconds. Life wasn’t supposed to end like this, so suddenly and so rashly. For no reason.
Sean pulled his scarf down and planted a kiss on Molly’s forehead before rising. The group stared into the grave. Elise pulled her son closer. Sean said, “I think this would be the time to say any last words.”
Nothing for a minute, everyone’s heads hanging low. Elise sobbed uncontrollably.
“Molly’s the lucky one here,” Kelly said. “I sometimes think about the end. How it must feel like being at peace. Finally at peace. With no more death and no more hurt. Where whatever anyone has done to you or what you’ve done is nothing more than some awful, distant memory.” She smiled under the scarf wrapped around her face. “I think wherever Molly is right now, she’s happy.”
Nobody said anything for a while.
Andrew cleared his throat. “Molly was the best thing that ever happened to me. She was like sunshine. She was—I just wish I could have a little more time with her. Just a little. I mean—I wish I could have a lifetime with her. I wish I could have seen my son,” he said, losing his composure. “We always imagined it was a boy. I don’t know why. Just did. We were going to name him Lincoln. Lincoln Sean.”
Sean tilted his head upward, then went back to looking at the grave. The wind blew through the trees and ash rained down from the branches.
Silence. “Why did God take her?” Aidan asked.
“Because He wanted her with Him,” Elise said, pulling in a sobbing breath. Andrew wished he could be half as strong.
“Wanted her with Him,” Sean said looking up at everyone. “Because He’s not here now, right? There’s no more sunshine. No more green. No life anymore. He’s left us to ourselves. God’s not in this place anymore.”
Elise held Aidan closer to herself, shaking her head at Sean. After a few more seconds, a hard wind blew in and rushed over them like a wave. Everyone clammed up, and Michael said, “We still got a little hot chocolate in the reserves, right? We can boil some. Warm up.”
Everyone took a last moment to look at Molly before turning one at a time toward the house. Andrew walked halfway back before he noticed Sean hadn’t moved. He stood over her grave, his shoulders shaking with his sobs. With each rickety thrust, he put dirt onto the shovel and placed it in the grave. Andrew stood and watched the man shovel in heap after heap as his cries were carried away by the wind.
Sean looked like a man under a weight he couldn’t bear any longer, and it was crushing him bit by bit. Andrew could sympathize. Every passing minute a little piece of Andrew’s soul seemed to drift away like snow sifting out from the clouds. He didn’t know where it was going, but he knew he would never get it back.
THEY DIDN’T HAVE hot chocolate together. Almost as soon as they came inside, Michael and Elise disappeared upstairs, and Sean went God-knew-where, leaving Andrew with a cooling drink he didn’t want, sitting in almost total silence with Kelly and Aidan. The little boy spoke. “Why did dad say God isn’t here anymore?”
Andrew and Kelly exchanged a glance. She said, “Because people say things when they’re hurting.”
“Is it true?”
She pulled Aidan closer. “I don’t think so, little man.” Andrew watched. She was justified to be angry at God. She did nothing to deserve what happened to her—to have that filthy animal violate her. He never heard her complain. Not once. He wondered how she had the strength when all he wanted to do was scream and cry and curse.
The cup in Andrew’s hands seemed so heavy he couldn’t hold onto it anymore. He set it down harder than he intended, the cup clanking against the coffee table. Both stared at him. He didn’t make eye contact. “I just need to go,” he murmured and left.