“He was just a kid.”
“He was eating our food every day. Consuming our resources—”
“Is that all we are to you? Just people consuming your resources?”
“You aren’t. Aidan isn’t.”
“God, Sean. How can you say that?”
“I know what it sounds like, okay? I know.” His teeth were chattering now, nothing to keep his heat in, and losing it fast.
“So we’re all just in your way.”
“You’re not thinking clearly.”
“I’m thinking just fine.”
“Everything I’ve done, I’ve done for us. For our survival. Us. Do you think if Michael killed me—and he was trying to kill me—he would’ve been able to fix anything around here if it broke? Or been able to plant crops if the winter ends? Or have even the slightest idea how to keep this family alive?”
Elise swallowed.
“What happens when the supplies get low?”
She said nothing.
“What happens? How’re you going to do everything? Chop wood? Maintain the house? Clean the furnace? Cook meals? Because Aidan won’t be able to help.” He was standing up now, his arms outstretched. “I did what I had to do, Elise. I did what I had to do for us.”
“You did it for yourself.”
He took a step forward.
“Stop,” she yelled. “Stop, Sean. Stop. I’ll do it.”
He took another step forward, and she shifted a little and fired the weapon to his right. He stopped moving.
“Elise. I’m sorry. Please. Please listen to me. What are you going to tell Aidan? That now his dad is dead too?”
“Stop.”
“We need each other. We need each other more than anything.”
The tears froze to her cheeks before they could drip any further. The look on his face. This was a man unprepared to die. She wanted to believe he was being honest and that he was seeking forgiveness. After everything he had done. But she couldn’t know. Couldn’t see whether his heart was truly black or whether he was just all gray, a tangle of virtue and sin inseparable within.
Another harsh breeze blew over them, and Sean winced. “We don’t have a lot of time.”
He walked closer. She fired again, over his head this time, so close that he ducked. He approached her with another step. “Damn it, Sean. Stop it.”
“I love you, Elise.”
“Stop it. Stay where you are.”
He didn’t. He got closer and closer, his teeth chattering, his body shaking now, the wind sucking the heat from him each passing second. She kept the weapon trained on him even as he approached, now just a few steps from her. Her finger held taut against the trigger, looking into his eyes, those eyes she loved so dearly, those eyes that had told her so many lies she could no longer distinguish what was true and what was false.
He pulled the gun from her hand. She let her arm drop and bowed her head, expecting to look back up and see him aiming the weapon at her now.
The end.
Sean was staring down at the weapon. He exhaled a long, slow, vaporous breath through his teeth. His hand carrying the weapon raised upward, and Elise flinched, closing her eyes. But the sound wasn’t a gunshot—it was the pistol’s slide racking backward. She opened one eye, then the other. Sean dropped the magazine from the pistol and ejected the round in the chamber. He exhaled and said, “Let’s not do this again,” pressing the empty pistol onto her chest as he passed her.
She turned to watch him disappear into the garage. She clasped her hand over her mouth and cried. Her chance was gone. Any justice for Michael and Kelly ended there. If Sean was right, and God was gone, no justice would ever come. There was no blueprint moving forward, to guide her past the truth of everything Sean had done. To show her how life was supposed to somehow go on, with everything so stained and dark and wrong.
Maybe Kelly was right: maybe the lucky ones got to die. The rest had to live on.
AIDAN CLUNG TO her leg like a barnacle on a ship’s hull. She didn’t know what to say to a young boy who had already experienced so much death. She didn’t know how to reassure him she would not be next, or that his father wasn’t next, and that he didn’t have to worry. She wasn’t sure if it was true.
Sean split a log in the distance, grunting as the blade came down. He removed his hat for a moment and looked at her. She met his gaze, and he nodded. No telling what he was thinking since the incident two weeks earlier. His words told her he forgave her. His eyes said the same. But he had lied before about graver things.
There was no assurance of anything anymore. The world had become cold and hostile, with no mercy. She looked at the clouds, the rolling gray, and wondered if life would ever be forgiving again. Whether God might have any mercy left for them.
They both stood for a minute, and Sean went inside. The wind whipped over top of her. She didn’t even feel it after a while. A numbness clung to her bones. Finally, her son tugged on her coat.
She looked down at him. His big eyes—his father’s eyes—looked back at her. Her heart melted, and she bent and kissed the top of his head. “I love you, Mom,” he whispered.
A tear fell from her eyelashes. “I love you too, Aidan.” She patted him on his head. “Go on inside to your dad, okay? We can check on the garden again tomorrow.”
He nodded and trudged through the snow. Elise stood still for another minute, closing her eyes.
“Mom, look,” Aidan shouted up ahead.
The light beyond her closed eyelids suddenly brightened. Her eyes shot opened, and she turned to see her son halfway toward the house. Above him to the west, the clouds rolled and stirred. In one strip of gray, the darkness split to unveil a bright light. Visible rays cut through the slit and cast their radiance over the yard and forest.
She stumbled forward, stripping off her hat, and falling on her knees at the glory before her. The sunshine washed over her like long-delayed rain on parched land. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She closed her eyes, and the warmth sank into her skin.
She smiled and laughter escaped from her lips. She never thought she would feel the sunshine ever again, and yet there it was:
Bright and present. Unceasing.
Thank You
THANK YOU FOR READING GRAY SNOW.
If you would, please take a moment to return to where you purchased the book and leave a review. It would be much appreciated. Reviews help new readers find my work and decide if the book is for them.
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Acknowledgements
Thank you to everyone who helped develop this novel, including Jacob and Elizabeth Wershing, and all the members of the Columbus Creative Cooperative (now Ohio Writers’ Association), who workshopped an early manuscript and helped me clean it up.
Thank you to everyone who provided encouragement to me as I struggled to get this one out.
Biggest thank you, as always, to my wife, Kaiti. Your input was worth the wait.
About Paul Curtin
Paul Curtin enjoys reading, backpacking, and camping, but only when the mosquitoes can’t get him.
He lives in Columbus, OH with his wife and family.