But it was Kay's job to read people, and she could see so much more in Charisma's eyes. She saw pain and fear and longing, and Kay had to wonder how Charisma could deny such strong emotions. Brown eyes held blue for a long moment and Kay could see Charisma's desire to squirm, but she held firm.
"But you'd take great delight in that wouldn't you, Dr. Williams?" Charisma's words and tone were biting and she steadfastly refused to refer to Kay more familiarly. Kay tilted her head and regarded Charisma thoughtfully.
"Why do you think that, Senator?" offering Charisma the same professional courtesy that had been extended to her, though for different reasons. "Wait," holding up a hand. "I want you to really think about your answer. I want to know why you believe I would get some sort of perverse pleasure out of seeing you in pain."
"Not just seeing," Charisma spat.
Kay's eyes widened. "You think I like *causing* you pain?"
"You already said as much," Charisma said, her timbre suddenly flat and without the slightest hint of inflection.
"No," Kay disputed. "That's not what I said at all." She looked around and spotted a snow-covered bench set under some denuded trees. She gestured with her head. "Would you like to walk around the park or shall we sit for this conversation? I think it's safe to say we're not going to be overheard or interrupted either way," holding her hand out to catch the snowflakes that had just begun to fall.
"I'm fairly certain my wants aren't going to figure into this at all. We might as well walk - at least we'll be warmer." Kay nodded and they set off across the cleared path.
Silence reigned again for a few moments as Kay gathered her thoughts once more. Charisma stayed quiet, refusing to start a discussion she didn't even want to have. The only reason she hadn't left was because she was confident that this woman... this doctor... would follow her to Washington to have this conversation if need be. And as much as she had no desire to hear or interest in hearing what Kay had to say, she wanted her saying it in Washington even less. That town had ears everywhere, and Charisma had the distinct impression that whatever Kay had to say, it was not meant for public consumption. Finally Kay took a deep breath and started to speak.
"First of all - my goal here is not to cause you pain, Charisma. My goal is to be completely honest with you... something everyone around you is afraid to do because they want to protect you... even if it's from yourself. Please let me finish," Kay requested. "I promise I will listen to any rebuttal you would like to make or answer whatever questions you have when I'm done." Charisma clamped her lips together and nodded, crossing her arms over her chest and waiting.
"Thank you. Charisma - you're already in pain. You have been for a very long time... probably since Brianna first left and you realized she wasn't coming back to you." Kay shook her head. "You've been in pain so long, it's become the norm for you - it's one reason you're holding onto it so tightly. It's been your most faithful companion."
"What would you know about it?" Charisma grumbled quietly, as though to herself. Kay smiled sadly.
"I do this for a living, Charisma; I see other peoples' pain every day. But your pain is familiar to me - for as long as I've known her I've seen your pain reflected in the eyes of one I love." Kay waited, but Charisma remained silent and she recognized that Charisma was making an effort to abide by their earlier pact. "Charisma, I want you to be honest with yourself and honest with me. There's no one here to hear us, and everything you say to me will be held in the strictest confidence of doctor/patient privilege. No one - not Okasa, not Kent and not Brianna - no one will know what is said between us unless you decide to share it."
"Even though you're not actually my doctor?"
"Even then - I take my oath very seriously, Charisma." Charisma held Kay's eyes a long moment, then nodded and gestured for her to continue. "How do you feel about Brianna Walker, Charisma?"
"I love her," through clenched teeth. "She's my best friend."
"That's all?"
"Isn't that enough?"
"Completely honest, Charisma. You hate her a little bit too, don't you? For putting you into this position - for leaving you alone and forcing you to live without her... despite everything."
"NO!" A beat. "Yes," in a much more subdued tone. "I just...." Charisma uncrossed her arms and jammed her hands into her pockets so hard Kay fully expected to see them come clean through the material. She waited, but Charisma didn't say anything else. She merely compressed her lips together a little tighter than before. Kay sighed.
"I'm going to tell you some things, Charisma - some truths that I think you know but are unwilling to face. It's probably going to hurt you to hear them, but they need to be said."
"No."
"Excuse me?"
"No, they don't need to be said."
"I think they do. The only way you're going to purge the pain you've carried with you for twenty years... the only way you're going to find real happiness and a measure of peace... is to lance the wound that is still festering in your heart."
"You can't make me listen."
Kay shook her head. "No, I really can't. But I think you know how much you need to, and part of you wants to believe I can do something... anything... to make things better."
"Why do you care?"
"Excuse me?" Kay repeated, wondering how she'd lost control of the conversation again. Her mental lips twitched. It reminded her very much of some discussions she and Brianna had shared - some of them about the woman now glaring at her like she was a two-headed gorgon.
"I said...."
"I heard you, Charisma. Why would you think I wouldn't care? Despite the fact that you and I started on the wrong foot because of who I am and who I've been in Brianna's life, I really don't get off on inflicting pain or watching people around me suffer if I can do something about it. And I care about you by extension because you're important to Brianna."
"So you're doing this for Brianna."
"I'm doing this for you," Kay replied with a hint of exasperation. "If it helps Brianna, that's a bonus I can live with."
"I really don't like you very much."
"I know. Jealousy's a hard thing to overcome."
"I'm not...."
"Yes, you are, Charisma. Complete honesty, remember? You don't just love her... you're *in love* with her, and it galls you that Brianna and I were lovers; it just incenses you to know that I have touched her in ecstasy, tasted her passion, heard her cry out her pleasure...."
"THAT'S ENOUGH!!!"
"Why?" Kay asked reasonably. "It's the truth, Charisma. You can't stand that I've had what you so desperately want. That red-hot burning you feel in your veins right now? That's pure, unadulterated jealousy."
Charisma scoffed, though her eyes told a different story as did her clenched fists. Kay wondered how much more she'd have to push before Charisma took a swing. "Why would I be jealous of you and Brianna as a couple? All I ever wanted for her was happiness."
"LIAR!" wanting to snort when Charisma's eyes widened. "You wanted her happiness WITH YOU."
Wide blue eyes narrowed until Charisma was glaring. "Excuse me?? Just because you couldn't make Brianna happy...."
"I did," Kay stated unequivocally. "We were happy; but neither of us was willing to live with your ghost in the middle of our relationship. However, this isn't about me making Brianna happy except as it infuriates you. Because it does, doesn't it? It's driving you crazy to stand there and pretend indifference to the fact that I've had the one thing in life you really want - the one you could have had if you hadn't denied the truth of your heart...."
Whatever else Kay was going to say was cut off by the stinging slap across her face that Charisma delivered with the flat of her palm.