"What if I told you she does?" Charisma met Esmeralda's eyes in an intense stare. "Charisma, she has done all the giving in this relationship since she returned to the forefront of your life. Don't you think it's time you offered her the same courtesy?"
"Es, you're asking me to be someone I'm not."
"No, Charisma - I'm asking you to be honest about who you are." Esmeralda paused and took a deep breath. "Let me ask you something, Charisma, and I want you to think about your answer. If you're so concerned with your image, why haven't you destroyed those separation papers? I can understand why you didn't shred them right away - if Kent took you by surprise when he served them to you, I'm sure your first reaction was one of shock. But Charisma... if I have this figured right, it's been almost a week if not longer - which tells me you're considering it as a possibility. And what about the letters Brianna wrote you - have you read them yet?"
"How did you...?"
"Don't ask - I promised not to tell. The other I guessed based on when you originally told me about Kent filing separation papers." Esmeralda shook her head to get back on track. "Charisma, I'm not trying to make you feel bad or add to your confusion. You don't like what your life is at the moment, so you need to change it, correct?" Charisma nodded. "Assume you only have this one chance to make your life over into what you want it to be from now on - what kind of result do you want to come from the changes you make? That's the first thing you need to decide. You can't really move forward until you know where you're headed."
"You're pretty smart, Es," Charisma whispered.
"Hard won experience, Senator."
Silence for several long moments. "I don't know if I can do this, Es. I don't know if I am strong enough... or unselfish enough."
"You won't be alone, Charisma, no matter what you choose to do... not if you don't want to be. Maybe you should go home and think about what's really important to you. Decide what will make you happiest. Once you figure that out, the rest should fall into place."
"You make it sound so easy."
"It's only hard if you let it be."
"Was it easy for you?"
"Once I realized what my life would be like without Saphira in it, it was the easiest decision I've ever made. I've never regretted it... even with the hardships we've experienced, because we've been together. And that's enough for me. You'll have to determine what's best for you, Charisma - but regardless of what you choose, you're going to have to learn the art of giving."
"I can't make any promises."
"I'm not asking you too."
Charisma held Esmeralda's eyes. "I have a feeling I'm going to have to learn a good many things."
Chapter LXXXII
Saturday morning Charisma called Ame and asked her to take Adam out for a while. "Anywhere," she instructed, "except the Natural History Museum. Kent is planning to take him there tomorrow."
"How about the Bounce House?"
Charisma cut her eyes at Ame, but nodded her reluctant agreement. "Call Turq. I don't want you riding out there on the Metro. And before you ask, McDonald's is fine for lunch as long as you make sure he gets milk to drink."
"What time would you like us home, Senator?"
"You can come home when you're ready Ame, but if I'm not downstairs, I'd like to ask you to stay here with Adam. Once I come downstairs, you'll be free to go."
"Of course Senator," Ame replied without inflection and Charisma felt the need to apologize.
"I'm sorry for taking so much of your personal time lately, Ame. I will try to make it up to you somehow." Ame shook her head and laid a hand on Charisma's arm lightly.
"It's all right, Senator. I don't have much use for personal time at the moment and Adam and I get along splendidly, don't we?" looking at Adam and smiling. He nodded his head enthusiastically. Charisma chuckled.
"Fair enough," Charisma replied. She knelt to look at Adam eye to eye. "You be good for Ame, okay?"
"Adam good boy," he assured his mother. She opened her arms and he jumped into them, giving Charisma a sloppy kiss and rubbing their noses together before letting go. When he stepped back, Charisma stood and turned back to Ame.
"I'll get him ready, Senator and take care of locking up when we leave. You go ahead and...." trailing off and motioning towards the stairs. "We've got it covered."
"Thanks, Ame," Charisma said. "Bye, son."
"Love Mama."
"Love you too, Adam." Then Charisma turned and headed upstairs without another word. She had one more selfish act to indulge in before she could do as Esmeralda had asked of her.
************
Charisma steeled herself as she crossed the threshold into her bedroom, closing the door and locking it firmly behind her. She leaned against the door and closed her eyes, breathing deeply for almost a full minute. Then she pushed away from the door and moved to her closet, flipping on the light and leaving the door open as she entered. Charisma made her way to the back and pulled out the plastic box Brianna had given her.
She knelt beside it, lifting the lid and closing her eyes as her senses were once again assaulted by memories of another lifetime. She wasn't sure how it had happened - especially considering that Okasa'd had possession of the container until just recently - but she could smell the essence of her life with Brianna in the box. Perhaps it was a lingering trace of her perfume, but there was something quintessentially Brianna in the scent that rose to Charisma's nostrils now.
Charisma let the memories wash over her - one big wave of thoughts and feelings she'd put away when Brianna had walked away from her all those years ago. There would be time and opportunity to examine them one by one later, but for now, she was a woman on a mission.
She removed the thickest packet from the box, knowing it was also the oldest, smiling sadly when she recognized the ribbon Okasa had used as one Brianna had given her. Charisma untied the silky material, rubbing it through her fingers. Then she picked up the top envelope and slit it open carefully. She took a deep breath and slid out the folded paper. Then she flipped it open and let her eyes focus on the handwriting that had once been as familiar as her own before she started to read.
************
Dear Charisma, (it read)
I am writing this to you because Okasa asked me to, and truthfully, I think it may be the only chance I have of purging everything that's inside of me without causing you any undo stress or upset. Here, I can be completely honest... with you, with me, with the world-at-large - because I figure no one but me will ever see these letters. I will certainly never share them with anyone else and unlike Okasa, I'm not some sort of cockeyed optimist - I know you will never ask about me, so you will never know about them. Because you will never want to admit that you know why I said goodbye.
Here Charisma stopped reading, drawing in a shuddering breath before she lay the letter carefully down on the floor and rose. When she returned to the closet, she'd already used one tissue to wipe her face and blow her nose, and she carried a box of them in one hand and a water bottle in the other. She wisely set the water in a corner away from the box, and placed the tissue beside her. Then Charisma picked up the letter and resumed her reading.
You see, I realized something recently - well, that's not completely true. The truth I realized some time ago, but I have only recently admitted it to myself. I love you. There... I said it. I love you, Charisma Tagherty and I am in love with you. There are probably a hundred reasons why, and maybe one of these days, I'll sit down and write them all out for us both here in these pages. But for now, suffice it to say that I do love you - heart and soul.
When I finally acknowledged my love for you to myself, I knew I had no choice - I had to walk away. I'm sure you're angry right now... maybe hurt that I am out of your life. But deep, deep in your heart, you know why I left and that's why I know you won't come looking for me. Because you feel the same thing I do - I've seen it. The difference is you would never be willing to love me, and I won't stay around and be a martyr... I can't. Right now the only way I can protect myself is to be away from you... to erect some walls and barriers against you, so that eventually, you won't matter to me the way I already don't matter to you.