Maybe one day, we'll run into each other again and we can be polite and civilized to one another. We can give each other those fake smiles and hugs politicians and actors are known for, then we can reminisce about the 'good old days'. You'll introduce me to the husband and children I'm sure you'll have by then, and maybe I'll be able to introduce you to my partner and our family. With any luck, though, that will be years and years from now. Because right now, all there is in my heart is you, and I can't see beyond that.
I read back over this letter and saw that I haven't really said anything yet. There is so much inside of me dying to get out, but all I can think of at the moment is how long the rest of my life is going to be without you in it... and how much that thought hurts.
I am going to wait a few days before I try this again. Maybe then, I can channel some of the anger I feel... or some of the pain... or some of the hatred. Because it's all there... in spades. Still, despite everything I know and everything I feel right now, I don't think my love for you will ever change. Maybe I should just write a book.
I love you Charisma. I just wish you could love me too.
B
************
Charisma took a deep breath and reached for her water bottle, drinking down half of it and closing her eyes against the words staring back at her from the page she'd just read. Gently she returned the first letter to its envelope and placed it face down beside her before turning her attention to the next envelope in the stack. Slicing it much as she had the first one, she removed the folded paper from inside and opened the letter and started reading Brianna's next missive.
One followed another in this fashion, and Charisma found Brianna had been very honest about the multitude of feelings and emotions contained within each epistle. Some made her heart hurt; some made her furious; some made her suck in her breath in surprise; and one or two made her smile wistfully. But despite the pain or anger or hatred that Brianna spoke about, she always reminded Charisma that she loved her before she ended each note.
As the letters went on, Brianna started sharing a little more about what was happening in her life and less about what she felt. It was almost as though Charisma became her pen pal - or her diary - though there was very little personal in anything Brianna said. She wrote nothing about Kay or any of the other love affairs she'd been involved in. Mostly she wrote about interesting things that happened or about the cases she was immersed in... almost as though they were college confidantes again. And Charisma found herself laughing aloud at some of the things Brianna deemed fit to share.
Then she reached the letter that was written after her engagement to Kent was announced to the family, and she realized how few letters Brianna had written since then. Slowly, Charisma cut the envelope open and removed the paper from it. Then she steadied herself and began reading.
************
Dear Charisma, (it read)
Okasa called me today - she wanted to tell me about your engagement before it made the news. I'm not quite sure what to say here. I'd like to say congratulations, but I wouldn't really mean it. It's not that I wish you ill, Charisma - it's because I know that you're settling.
Okasa tells me your fiancй is a nice guy that you like and someone you feel will be a good father to whatever children you have together. Oh my God, Charisma… are you kidding me?? Is he aware that all you feel for him is 'like', Charisma? Is he willing to settle for being second, third or fourth place in your line of priorities behind your job, your children and the rest your family? Whatever happened to love, Charisma? What happened to the passionate woman I knew in college... the one who wouldn't compromise what she wanted for anything??
However, I hope you find happiness with Kent Rockwell, Charisma... I really do. But I also think you're a fool for conforming to what you think is expected of you instead of simply being who you are. More fool me for thinking you ever could.
I don't think I'll be writing you many more letters, Charisma. It's been obvious to me for years that you never thought of me as anything more than someone to fill a gap that leaving your family for the first time created in your life. And that time has long since passed both of us by.
I will always love you, Charisma, but I won't allow you to be more than a memory anymore.
B
************
Charisma started to clench her hands before she realized she still held the letter. Prudently, she folded the paper and tucked it back into its envelope, and gently set it back on the pile of untied notes. Then she shifted until she could lean against the wall and wrapped her arms around her knees... and simply cried.
She had no idea how much time had passed, but when the tears slowed, Charisma's face was swollen and her eyes burned. She grabbed a handful of tissues and dabbed at her face, hissing at the tenderness of her skin. Charisma pushed herself upright and eased out of the closet, the pounding in her head from crying so hard making it a difficult process at best.
She made it to the bathroom and ran cool water over her face until she couldn't feel the cold from it any longer. Then she leaned her arms on the counter and stared at the reflection gazing back at her. Charisma flinched slightly - there was no way to hide the crying spell she'd just subjected herself to, and eventually she was going to have to go downstairs if only so Ame could go home and get some rest.
She blew out a breath, weighing her options, then she moved back to the closet. With only a couple more letters to read, Charisma decided to finish them before she took a shower. Maybe that would make her a little more presentable.
Charisma sat back down and picked up the first of the last three letters and realized it had been written shortly after Adam's birth.
************
Dear Charisma, (it read)
I saw a picture of your son today - Okasa couldn't wait to show me her newest grandson... not that I blame her. He's a beautiful baby, Charisma... reminds me very much of his mama. I hope he brings you all the happiness in the world.
B
************
Charisma wondered at the shortness of the letter - surely there was more Brianna had wanted to say about the birth of Charisma's child, wasn't there? After all, it had been the most momentous event in Charisma's life, with the possible exception of meeting Brianna Walker for the first time. Then Charisma bit her lip - of course, Brianna had no way of knowing that... at least not when this note was written. Charisma wondered what Brianna would have said if she had been there at Adam's birth. Would she have cooed over him? Doted on him? Held him and rocked him to sleep? Charisma closed her eyes in silent acknowledgment of the truth of all of those options - of course she would have... she had done as much for each of her brother's children, and all of them held Brianna in as high a regard as Adam did.
Charisma blew out a shaky, frustrated breath and reached for the next letter. She opened it, then froze as the words on the page started to make sense in her mind.
************
Dear Charisma, (it read)
I was in an accident today. Nothing too damaging - after all, I'm sitting here writing to you about it, right? Still, it was enough to freak me out pretty good... it actually scared the bejesus out of me - I'm still shaking. It wasn't actually my fault this time - I wasn't even driving. But some moron ran a red light and crashed into the passenger side of the car I was riding in. Thank God for airbags.