"I started to tell them to talk to you about it, since you're the senior here and all," Brianna replied as she sat up and focused her gaze on Charisma. "Then I figured since Okasa was planning to host the wake at your home, maybe I shouldn't add any more responsibility to your load. So I asked Stephen and Elizabeth to take up a collection. We'll have an arrangement sent and give the rest to Es. If she feels it's too close to charity to accept it for herself, we'll donate it in her name and Saphira's to whatever charity she chooses."
"That seems reasonable."
"I can be, on occasion."
"I seem to remember that," Charisma offered with a smile. Brianna averted her eyes and gathered up the paper she'd been using, folding it carefully and sticking it into her back pocket to dispose of later. She was confident none of the Senators listed there wanted their private information floating around and Esmeralda didn't have a shredder she could run it through. Not that she expected Esmeralda to use them of course, but she couldn't simply throw them away either. All this was running through her mind as she rose and started to make her way out of the living room. A hand on her elbow caused Brianna to jerk out of her inner thoughts and nearly clock Charisma in the head.
Brianna blinked. "Hey... you all right?"
Charisma blew out a shaky breath. "I'm going to hope that was a reflex and not directed at me specifically," she said with a smile, though Brianna could clearly read the doubt in her gaze.
"Yeah... sorry. I was thinking." She shook her head, though she didn't say anything else. "Should we go see if we can talk to Esmeralda?
Charisma frowned. "Are you avoiding the question, Brianna?"
Brianna's brows shot into her hairline. "Um... what question?"
"Do you think we could...?" Charisma looked down at her clenched hands, then back at Brianna. "Look, Bri - all this has really thrown me for a loop. Seeing what Saphira's death has done to Esmeralda in just the few short hours since she died; all that keeps running through my brain is what if it had been you? What would I do if something like this happened to you?" She held up her hands to keep Brianna from interrupting. "I know what you said - that I've lived without you before and I could do it again. But the truth is, I wouldn't want to... I *don't* want to. I just... I'd love if we could just let bygones be bygones and start over," seeing the walls coming up in Brianna's dulled green eyes. Charisma paused and looked at the ground before taking a deep breath and forcing herself to meet Brianna's shuttered expression. "I know this whole situation is my fault - I'm willing to accept the blame for our entire separation. Can't we be friends again?"
"I told you, Charisma... we will always be friends...."
"You lied!" Charisma accused, and Brianna flushed as anger swept through her body.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me - you lied. You said we would always be friends, but you pulled away from the family... not just ME, but the entire family! Do you know how upset the kids were when they found out Auntie Bri wasn't coming for Christmas?? Do you know the riot act I got read by your ex-lover for upsetting everyone because I caused your disappearance from the family??"
"Charisma...."
"No, Brianna - you weren't there. You didn't see the kids' disappointment or have to try and explain to your brothers why someone whom they'd treated as family for nearly twenty-five years had simply tossed them away like yesterday's garbage!! You didn't have to see Mama act like her heart wasn't broken by someone she considered to be another daughter to her. So no, Brianna - you don't get to stand there and try to take the moral high ground with me!"
"This is how you win friends and influence people, Charisma?" Brianna snorted and Charisma refused to give her the satisfaction of responding. "You should probably work on your technique."
"You think this is funny?" Charisma asked, the pain apparent in her voice. Brianna's features hardened.
"This was never funny to me, Charisma. Don't you dare make light of what this is to me - what it was to me for almost twenty years. And regardless of the nobility," said with more than a hint of a sneer in her tone, "of your actions in trying to accept responsibility for the fiasco our interaction has become, the fact is we share the blame equally. I was the one that bolted, Charisma; you were the one that let me go. And no amount of wishing and hoping is going to change those two little facts. I'm not finished," Brianna said fiercely when Charisma opened her mouth to interrupt.
"I can't just forget that, Charisma - I can't forget that I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me and still we couldn't be together because of your need to adhere to the moral code of people I don't know and couldn't care less about! I can't forget that even now you can't admit that you love me... not even to yourself! And I certainly can't forget that you refuse to be honest with both of us." Brianna paused for a breath. "I could live with the fact that we can't be together, Ri... I already have for almost half my life, and I told you before that I'm not a home wrecker. But I can't and I won't pretend what I feel for you isn't real. And that's basically what you're asking me to do. NO. I won't do it. You don't get to have it both ways any more, Charisma."
"Would you two like to tone it down before you wake up Ruby and Esmeralda?" Kay asked, sticking her head through the narrow opening of the door. "I know you've got things to settle, but here and now may not be the best option available. Don't," she commanded. "Either one of you. Right now, you should be focused on what you can do for Esmeralda. The rest you can worry about when she's taken care of, all right?" Kay held their eyes impassively when they both glared in her direction. "Don't bother - I have teenagers. AND I have Mama on my side." She almost chuckled when their eyeballs widened comically. "Now, settle down, and go see Esmeralda. We'll talk about the rest later," holding up a hand and pointing when they would have argued.
Brianna and Charisma exchanged looks, then moved as one into Esmeralda's room. Kay waited until the door was closed before she allowed herself to slump just slightly. Okasa walked up behind her and patted her back.
"Good job, Kay."
Kay shrugged. "Jury's still out on that. C'mon... let's go check on Ruby."
Chapter XCII
Charisma walked around to the side of the bed that Esmeralda was facing and knelt down beside her. Brianna followed at a slower pace, but chose to stand behind and to one side of Charisma. Charisma reached out a tentative hand towards Esmeralda, lightly brushing the hair away from her face. To their mutual surprise, Esmeralda didn't even react to the touch. Charisma turned her head until blue eyes met green, and she took comfort in the wash of emotions she found there.
"Es?" Charisma whispered, wondering if Esmeralda had finally gone to sleep and found a measure of peace. That thought was dismissed, however, when Esmeralda blinked open her eyes... revealing a depth of pain Charisma could hardly comprehend. "Oh, Sweetheart," she murmured, cupping Esmeralda's face gently.
Esmeralda covered her hand but offered nothing else. Brianna stepped forward and placed her hand on Esmeralda's. "I know there's nothing we can do or say to make this better for you, Es. But we're here."
The smile Esmeralda tendered was achingly sad, but it was far preferable to the dead expression that had resided on her countenance previously. "That means everything," she replied, her voice so low that they had to strain to understand her words. When they did, it brought tears to their eyes.
"Would you like us to stay?" Charisma asked. "At least until you go to sleep?"
"That might be a very long time," Esmeralda answered honestly. "I close my eyes and all I see is emptiness. She's not in my dreams, and she promised me forever. She should be in my dreams."
Esmeralda's vehemence was astonishing and it stunned Brianna and Charisma into utter stillness. They exchanged glances, silently debating which of them was going to tackle the minefield Esmeralda had just laid out in front of them. Finally, Charisma turned back to Esmeralda, stroking her thumb over the planed cheekbone beneath her hand.