He tells me to sit down. That’s perfect!.. So he can examine them leisurely!.. I settle down into the biggest armchair.. He’s going to see a thing or two.. He’s going to have a treat.. Meanwhile I look at the mists outside… the mists floating by the window.. dancing.. big furbelows. the ballet of the fogs!. while he examines my papers. I hum a little tune!. It all came with the rain. the ballet of the mists. it sweeps off. flies up. toward Saint Albans.. lightly!. the church, all dark!. the spire in the sky, all gold! Ah! a nice effect!. The clouds are dissolving!.. Ah! I dream easily!. I just let myself go right off. Anything can get me dopey. I want him to know it. I let the medic know… I warn him very politely.
"There’s something magic in the air.”
A thought.
Now he knows.
"Come here, young man!” he answers, polite but firm. "Get undressed!.. The rest of you! leave! ”
Everyone leaves.
He looks at my arm.. my scars..
"Atten-shun! ” I roar… "Atten-shun! ”
He feels my leg, my buttocks, my balls… he fiddles all over me. he thumps my chest, he feels me again!. He makes me walk.. forward. backwards..
He nods his head… I can see he’s turning me down..
"I want to go, doc!. I want to go!” I’m begging him.. "Don’t turn me down!. I’ve got to go!. They’re after me! ”
I’m spilling the beans.,
"I’m the murderer, doc!.. I killed ten of ’em!.. I killed a hundred!. I killed a thousand!. I’ll kill all of ’em next time!.. Doc, send me back!.. I belong at the front!.. a-off to war!”
"We’ll see!. We’ll see!” he answers quite calmly. "Get dressed! ”
He hadn’t said three words to me. I thought that pretty insolent… I slip on my pants, my bandages, my shredded linen shirt… He looks me over.. He’s still nodding.. He’s a medico with a goatee, the plump potbellied kind, he’s got round cheeks, he takes his glasses off, puts them back on.. He’s wearing leggings, spurs, a big revolver case… I wonder why?. He’s not running any risks in his office!. He sends for another four-eye. and then for the commissioners. the lackeys again!.. the ones who welcomed me at the door.. and then they all come back… all the offices.. the whole staff… the whole Consulate… all the gals with buns! it’s going to be a big show! I’m surrounded!.. They all start jabbering again!. whispering about my case!. mimicking to one another!..
"You may go now, my boy!. You may leave!”
That’s his decision!
Ah! I’ll be damned! what an outrage!
"Off to war!” I scream. "off to war!. I don’t want to leave any other way!. I want my re-enlistment signed here! right this minute!. and without delay!.. I demand it!.. Take it or leave it!. Life or death!”
They don’t answer.
"Off to war! ” I repeat.. "Off to war! Like Little-Arm Pierrot.. No-Dough Rene.. like Pretty-Kiss Jojo!.. like Lucien-the-Gent! ”
"But you’ve just come back, young man!.. You’ve done your full duty!.. You’ll soon have your pension!”
Ah! a fine how-do-you-do!.. He was trying to ease me out!. Ah! the flimsy windbag!. Me, conscience in person!
He wanted to calm my scruples!. Ah! the crazy loafer!
Repulsive!. So I hand him a line!..
"But my duty hasn’t been done right!.. But haven’t you looked at me?.. But I’ve still got lots of duties waiting!.. And what about yours?. Tell me about them!.. A pension?
But I don’t have any pension!. But I’ll never have a pension! ”
That’s the way I argue!..
He doesn’t get sore, he’s still reasoning with me. He’s handling me very gently..
"But you will!. You’ll have it!. You’re going to get it, my dear fellow!. You’ve been badly disabled!. One of our most valiant soldiers!. You’ve got 80 %.. Ask for an increase!. 80 % is all right!. 2,000 francs a year!”
On the other hand, I’m getting excited!..
"But I’m a murderer, gentlemen!.. A murderer!.. Can’t you hear straight?”
I’m talking to all of them… I bellow it out!.. I roar it!
We don’t understand one another at all!. They all make sorry faces!. There’re at least thirty of them in sleeve-bands standing around in a circle. stupefied. staring at me! And then they start again. jabbering!. twaddling. with lots of little sly laughs..
“I killed two of ’em!”. I start all over. "I killed ten!.. and I’ve killed a lot more!.. I’ll butcher more than that!.. Listen to me, doc! ”
I beg him… I throw myself at his knees!
This time he’s categorical again! I’m driving him wild!
"You’re discharged, my boy!..Your papers! Your documents are in order!.. Absolutely faultless!.. Discharged!.. Do you understand me?. 80 %!. You’ve been released by the Medical boards! Dunkerque! Bethune! La Rapee!..Do you remember?. Wait for your pension! The formalities are being attended to!. Are you in London with relatives?”
He seems to me too curious!. He’s trying to intimidate me again! Ah! I see what he’s up to! dissuading me from doing my full duty!. Ah! the wretch!..
"I killed twelve of ’em!” I raise the figure. "I killed a hundred!. It’s not over!. I want to go back! I want to kill a thousand! I want to redeem my errors!. I want to go back to the line!. in the Sixteenth!. Sixteenth Cuirassiers!”
Whereupon we start talking pleasantly again. He wants me to listen to reason. He’s full of concern… He starts flattering me! "Hero!. Hero!” he calls me!. The word makes all the pen-pushers… all the office girls writhe with laughter..
"You’ve received the Military Medal!”
"I killed twelve of ’em, doc!.. If I go back, I’ll kill ’em all!.. I want to get back to the platoon!.. Lower my rank!
Lower my rank! But I want to be in service!.. and right away!. A private, if necessary!”
Ah! I mean business!
"Come, come, my boy!.. You’re nervous, that's all… You’ve done your duty!. Your whole duty!. Do you want to go back to France?. Do you want to see the Consul?.. Are you out of funds?. We’ll repatriate you!. What’s your occupation?”
I’m losing patience with the old idiot!
"That’ll do!” I say… "That’s enough!.. Enough fooling around!. I want to go back to the lines!. All right?. I want to do my duty over again. That’s definite!. All alone, if necessary!.. I want to kill everything!.. Be careful, doc!
.. you won’t get away with that!.. I don’t want to go back to Paris!. I want to go back to the lines!. Like Lucien-the-Gent!.. Benoit-the-Mustache! ”
"But you can’t, my boy! You've got 80 %!”
"Then I’m going to murder you!” I snap back.
"Hand me a saber!”
And I dash to the poker that I see right near me… in the coal bucket. I’m going to run the phony through!. him and his goatee!..
Then four of them jump on me!. They knock me down!
they beat me up!. I kick and struggle!. I bite them!
They get the better of me!. they drag me. they wipe up the floor with me! I’m polishing the corridor!. held by my arms and legs… We pass an open bay window.. the place in the big dark salon!. Who’s that I’m seeing?. there in the back, all pale. All ghostly. "I give up! I give up!” I yell to my murderers… to those cowards pulling at me, knocking me out of joint..
Stop! Attention! I see them!.. I see them all’….Over there! in the back!. My old friends!. standing there in the dark!.. motionless!.. all together!.. one.. two.. three. four. five. six!. standing straight up! "Hello!” I yell to them! "Hello! Hi, men! Hello all..Stand up, my hearties!”. I absolutely saw them! Ah! that’s a fact! Motionless! just standing there! Nestor, not so tall, in the back of the room. with his big head cut off, in his hands!. he was carrying it on his belly!. a pimp from the Leicester!. he’d left the week before!. And Big Fatso next to him!. and Motorbike Fred!.. and Little-Arm Pierrot!.. And Pretty-Kiss Jojo!.. And No-Dough Rene, with his belly wide open!. They were all bleeding somewhere!. That was the queer thing!. And Lucien-the-Gent and Lily-Boy!. Fly-Killer in a Marine Light Infantry uniform!.. and Redheaded Lu as an artilleryman!. all lined up perfectly at the back of the salon! in the darkness. they weren’t saying anything!. all standing there!.. in uniform but bareheaded.. Their faces were all pale!. white. white… as if there were livid glints under their skins… a gleam..