Gary shrugged.
“To each his own. Say, I’ll give you my address and phone number.”
“No. I just don’t think I’m interested.”
“Not for that. To get together. I’d like to meet your chick. Old pals should keep in touch.”
Esther folded the baby’s wash and set the neat piles next to her own. She looked around the living room. All the ironing was done, the dishes were washed and the baby was asleep. She sagged into the secondhand armchair that sat across from the TV and let out a deep sigh. She was exhausted. All the same, the housework didn’t get her down as much as it had before she started going to Dr. Hollander.
He had made her see how important her work was. He had made her realize that not everyone could do the things that she was capable of doing, like raising a child by herself. She had thought that anyone could do it, but he had made her see that that was not so. It took a special kind of person to do what she was doing.
She looked at the clock. It was a quarter to nine. She could watch the last fifteen minutes of a TV show or she could practice her trance. She chose the latter. She had come to look forward to practicing her trance. It helped her to relax when she was tense. It helped her to get rid of her day-to-day anxieties and to become the woman she knew she could be: the strong, confident woman that she really wanted to be. The trance gave her a feeling of contentment that alcohol and pills never did. Her days were easier and her nights filled with deep sleep.
Almost as important, the trance helped her to think about the things that Dr. Hollander wanted her to recall. The shadowy, elusive thoughts that hid around the corners of her subconscious. With each session she was becoming more and more convinced that she was hiding something from herself about that night. She was sure of it. When the doctor or Roy talked about things that they thought she had done, they made so much sense. If it had happened, it must have happened the way they said.
Esther let her eyes close and imagined the doctor’s fingers on her wrist. There was a tingling in her limbs and she could begin to feel her body relaxing and her hand floating toward her face.
She looked forward to seeing Dr. Hollander each week. He was so kind, so, well, fatherly was the right word. He wasn’t like her other fathers had been, but like she wished they would have been. Always supporting her. Always helping her.
She even liked Roy now. She guessed that she had been wrong about him that first time, because he seemed so nice now. Always buying her things. Nothing expensive, except for her beautiful new clothes, but little things like flowers or gifts for the baby. He was so considerate. Like John had been. Roy was about the same age as John. Older men always seemed more considerate, although she had been with a few who were not. Roy reminded her of John. Of course, Roy was much smarter. She felt so dumb when she was around him and the doctor, although they never let on that they thought she was dumb. But she was. She always knew it. The only reason the boys had ever paid any attention to her in school was because she was pretty and she would do it with them. John had showed her respect. So had Dr. Hollander and Roy.
She had dreamt about Roy last night. When she woke up, she had felt uncomfortable, because the dream had been erotic. They had both been naked in a large bed. They weren’t in a room, she didn’t think. It had been hazy. Maybe there were clouds instead of walls. And he was on top and doing it to her.
She realized that she was growing tense and she concentrated on her wrist and the trance. She thought about what Roy and the doctor wanted from her. She wanted to help them very much. Some of their questions puzzled her, though. She wondered why Roy had asked her about Monroe and dragging. Did he think they had dragged Richie that night? She was certain they had not. There had been once that she was with someone who had dragged Richie, only she wasn’t sure if it had been Roger or if Billy and Bobby had been there. It was all so long ago.
But, what if it was that night…? Only it couldn’t have been. But, what if? Then, she might be wrong about other things. She didn’t feel relaxed anymore and she opened her eyes. Somehow, the trance was not working tonight. It was nine o’clock. She got up and turned on the television.
6
TAPE # 5
DR. ARTHUR HOLLANDER: All right. And soon the hand will begin to move toward the face. The hand is now touching the face and the eyes will close when it is comfortable to do so. There we are. Fine. Good. Completely relaxed.
Now, Esther, I wonder if you would be willing to forget whatever might be unpleasant in today’s episode, and you can indicate so by a “yes.”
ESTHER PEGALOSI: Yes.
Q: Good. And then if we need that information at some time in the future, when you are ready, you can remember it either alone or with my help. But any information that might be unpleasant and you might not be ready to consciously remember, you can forget just as you forget a dream a few minutes after awakening. And you can do the same with any unpleasant phase of today’s work.
Now, Esther, I want you to imagine that the window in front of you is actually a screen, a movie screen. And can you in your mind’s eye clearly see a movie screen there in front of you?
A: Uh-huh.
Q: Good. Now if you look at the bottom of that movie screen, you will notice a little counter, something like the mileage counter on an automobile.
A: Uh-huh.
Q: Can you see it? And can you see that the mileage counter says 1967?
A: Uh-huh.
Q: All right. I want you to just imagine that counter running backwards, ’67, ’66, ’65, at whatever convenient speed you want. And when that counter has moved back to the year 1960, I would like you to let me know by saying the number.
A: 1960.
Q: Good. Now, as you watch that screen, you will see things that have happened in 1960, as though you were in the audience watching a movie screen. It could be that you will see yourself as one of the stars or actors and when you begin to see action on the screen, I want you to say “now.”
A: Now.
Q: Good. And would you like to tell me what you see.
A: We are at Bob’s.
Q: Bob who?
A: It’s a restaurant. Bob’s Hamburger Heaven. It’s where we used to hang out.
Q: Who do you mean when you say “we,” Esther?
A: My friends.
Q: Do you mean the Cobras?
A: Some members.
Q: Billy and Bobby Coolidge?
A: I knew them.
Q: What did you do with the Cobras?
A: I don’t know.
Q: Did you ever do anything bad with them?
A: Bad?
Q: Against the law.
A: We robbed the miniature golf once.
Q: Tell me about that. When was that?
A: In ’59. In July. There were three boys and me. They robbed the place, then we found we were going to get caught, so they drove the car down the hill. It belonged to one of the boys’ brothers. And we were speeding as fast as we could down this curvy road and there were police cars following us and one went in a ditch. We made it all the way down the hill, then we went the wrong way on a one-way street and about five cars finally stopped us.
Q: Police cars?
A: Uh-huh.
Q: Were you scared?
A: Oh, yeah. I couldn’t look half the time.
Q: What happened to you?
A: Well, I was young, you know, so they just let me go with Mom. But they kept me at detention for a while.
Q: Why did you do that-rob that place?
A: I was pretty drunk and I could never remember it all. Even in court. I had to testify, but I could never remember if we knew what was gonna happen. We were all plowed. All I know was Bones went to the place where you pay and held a knife at the woman’s neck and threatened to rip it. He didn’t hurt her though. I think it was all spur of the moment. We were like that then. Live for the moment. The Cobras were always saying something like that.