“It’s a lead-pipe cinch Drabble will ask you about the beating-the part to which you’ve already confessed. He’ll probably take you through it blow by blow. You’ll have to repeat what you’ve already admitted-but you can’t seem proud of it. You can’t try to justify what you did. To the contrary, you need to seem awash in regret. Tell the jury it was a mistake-you lost control, you were swayed by your friend, whatever. But don’t say you were right to do what you did or that you enjoyed it or that you were doing God’s work. You do that, you’re blowfish.”
“I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not.”
“I’m just asking you to be smart. I know for you that may be a tall order. But your life depends upon it.”
At ten o’clock sharp, the marshals knocked on the door and escorted Johnny back to the county jail.
“Think he can pull it off?” Christina asked.
“No,” Ben said flatly. “But you have no choice. You have to put him on. And hope for the best.”
“I still don’t see where he came from. His mother is so different.” She shook her head. “It must be particularly hard for you. Since you knew her, all those years ago. And cared for her.”
“No discussion.”
“I know, I know.” She sighed. It was late, and they were the only two people left in the office…
“Thanks again,” she said quietly. “For helping with this case. I know you didn’t want to.”
Ben shook his head. “I should’ve been on board from the start. I just-” He turned his eyes toward the window. “I can’t explain it. Hearing from her again, after all this time. Because she needed something from me. Seeing her again. It just… I don’t know. Threw me for a loop. I wasn’t rational.”
“You’ve got ample cause.”
“No excuses. Just-I’m sorry.”
They sat for a long while, not looking at each other. Ben stared out the window; Christina pretended to be intrigued by the stack of unopened transcripts on the table. Finally, when she couldn’t stand it any longer, she reached out and squeezed his hand.
“Ben?”
“Yes?” he said, looking up.
“I-I-” She fumbled for a moment. “I’m sorry we haven’t had time for Scrabble lately.”
“I think there have been extenuating circumstances.”
“I just wondered…” She pursed her lips, tried again. “I wondered if you would like to…”
Their faces drew closer together.
“Yes?” he said, when their noses were practically touching.
“I wondered if…”
They heard a clattering in the corridor outside. Perhaps it was Jones, locking up.
“We should probably get some sleep,” Ben said.
“You’re right, of course.” She pushed away from the table, suddenly very embarrassed. “Big day, tomorrow. Make or break.”
“Right,” he agreed. “Best to get a good night’s sleep.”
And a moment later, she was gone.
You stupid fool, he told himself, as he watched Christina leave the office.
But the timing wasn’t right. It couldn’t possibly be, not with the trial, and Ellen, and…
And the wounds all too present and deep and well remembered. Like that day at her apartment. The one that turned out to be the true last time he ever saw her. Until now.
When she wouldn’t answer the bell, he pounded on the apartment door. When she still didn’t answer, he shouted, so loud that everyone in that Toronto apartment complex near campus could hear. It wasn’t until he threatened to set fire to the place that she finally answered.
“Ben!” she said, standing in the doorway. “What are you doing here? I told you-”
“I couldn’t stay away, Ellen. We’re meant to be together.”
Her eyes rolled up. “Did you hear anything I told you in the subway yesterday?”
“I heard it all. And I don’t care.”
Her neck stiffened. “I can’t take this, Ben. I’m not well-”
He reached out desperately, grabbing her arm. “I know that, Ellen. That’s why we should be together.”
“That isn’t possible. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“Splitting up isn’t fair! I want to be with you. We’ll fight this thing together. I’ll be with you in the clinics, in the hospital. Wherever you need me to be.”
“There’s more to it than that.”
“Fine! I don’t care. Whatever there is, we’ll deal with it.”
“You’re not being realistic, Ben. It’s over.”
“It can’t be over! I won’t let it be.”
“You just don’t have any idea-”
“I know what you mean to me. What we mean to each other.”
“Ben, would you just listen to me for a minute?”
“I know I’m probably not being practical. But why should I be? We’re in love, and-”
“Ben, you don’t-”
“And I know that if we try we can-”
“Ben-”
“-do anything we want. We can make it work.”
“Ben-”
“We can still get married, just like-”
“Ben, stop!”
“We can do it, Ellen, I know we can, if we-”
“Ben, I’m pregnant!”
Silence descended, like a sudden black curtain drawn across the sun. Like an immovable barrier that could not be crossed.
“You mean, we-”
“No, Ben. I don’t mean we anything.”
Ben heard a rustling in the apartment. “Who’s in there?”
“No one.”
“There is someone. You’re not alone.” He tried to push past her in the doorway, but she wouldn’t let him through. “Who is it?”
Her eyes closed. “It’s… Larry.”
“Larry? Who the hell-”
“My boss. At the oil company.”
Ben’s face twisted up in anger and disgust. “You… and your boss?”
“It wasn’t supposed to happen, Ben. It was an accident. Sort of. He’d been acting interested for months, and you and I were about to get married, and I-” She looked at him, her eyes wide and saddened. “I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant. But I am.”
“And-and it’s Larry’s-”
“Yes. Absolutely. But it’s okay. He’s agreed to marry me.”
“He?” Ben reached out to her. “Marry me, Ellen-just as we planned. I don’t care what happened. I’ll take care of you. And the baby.”
“Ben.” She looked at him, and a soft smile trickled across her lips. “You know I love you-but you’re just a kid. You can’t even take care of yourself.”
“And Larry-”
“Is older than we are. He’s got a good executive seat with the oil company, a steady income. He’s got one child already from a previous marriage. He wants to do the right thing by me.” She paused, looking as though all the energy had drained out of her. “And I’m going to let him.”
Ben grabbed her shoulders. “Ellen… please. I-I don’t understand any of this. I don’t know why you would-” He shook her helplessly back and forth. “My father’s a doctor, and he knows lots of others. He’s got lots of cash and-”
“No, Ben.”
“Why would you marry some guy you don’t love when you can still marry me? It’s all arranged. We’ve got a church reservation, for God’s sake. My parents and everyone will be here in two days.”
“Ben! Haven’t you told them it’s off?”
“I-I couldn’t do it until-I was sure-”
“Ben!” All at once, anger flared across her face. “This is sure. You and I are not getting married.”
“But why not?”
Her eyes began to mist. “You just won’t let this be easy, will you? Won’t let me leave without-” She turned away, her lips trembling. “I want you to go away, Ben. I want you to leave me alone and never come back. I don’t want to see you ever again. Ever!”
“But we could still-”
“Would you listen to me for once!” she screamed. “Go away!” She broke loose, then shoved him backward as hard as she could. Ben tumbled down the concrete steps onto the sidewalk.
Before he could pull himself off the pavement, he heard her door slam shut. All around, he saw neighbors peering out of their doors and windows, watching the show. He felt stupid and embarrassed and desperate. He felt as if a part of him had been torn away, like something had been ripped out of his body, more like he’d lost a limb than a lover.