The man was a great, broad-shouldered specimen in sunglasses. He had to be at least six and a half feet tall, but he was muscled all over, not lean-looking the way very tall guys tended to be, and not grotesquely pumped like a steroid freak. More like a well-built dude that had been magically blown up to slightly mammoth proportions. He was, in short, the kind of guy that looked like he could give a girl a real rodeo and not shag out after the first five minutes, and he moved in a careful, quiet, completely in-control way that made Janey think ‘cop’, even though he seemed pretty cool about browsing Luv-A-Lot’s.
His date, on the other hand, was completely average in every way, which made her appear positively petite next to her fella, and as always when she was bored, Janey found herself idly picturing the two of them in bed. The girl would have to be on top; either that, or doggie-style. Janey just couldn’t see him going at her missionary without smothering her.
Janey’s reflections were cut short as soon as the man reached the back wall where the His & Her toys were kept. He got one good look at the double-pronged foot-long black dildo on the top shelf, and all his been-here-done-that composure went right out the window. “What the tar?” he said, and that was probably the only time Janey had ever heard that particular exclamation.
“What? Oh.” The woman looked a little nonplussed. “I thought you said you had porn.”
“Yes, but you have people to do this!” The man swept his arm at all the rubber dicks. “Why would you…you…Is that a fish?”
The woman glanced back at the counter, caught her fella’s sleeve, and pulled him over to the Just for Guys section. Soon, they were standing together at the far end of the shelves, conferring in low voices as they looked at the toys. Janey couldn’t make out quite what they were looking at, but his attitude of quiet incredulity was only growing. Janey found that a little surprising; when they’d first walked it, she’d figured the girl for the vanilla, not him.
The girl was explaining something with her hands that could probably be explained better without clothes, standing back so that Janey could finally catch a peek at the merchandise. They were apparently considering a pussy-pump. The Pumpmaster 5000, it looked like, but it was hard to tell from here.
The man asked a question and the girl flipped the box over and read silently, then sent several hesitant glances in the direction of Janey’s back. Janey looked busy and approachable and not at all nosey.
“Um…miss? Hang on, Tagen.” The woman came over to the desk, holding the battery-operated pussy in both hands. “Look, I need a really…um, really good version of this. What can you, uh, recommend?”
“Well, it’s not exactly my thing, you know,” Janey said modestly, trying to put the customer at ease with a little humor.
The lady laughed, but it had a shrill, freaked-out quality that made Janey wonder if the girl was high.
“But okay, assuming sound and money ain’t an object, I’d have to recommend the Jenna Jamason model, which is over there on the wall, top shelf, in the silver box. See it?”
Girl and Guy both looked, and then the fella started over to have a closer look.
“Best suction, tight seal. Pricey as hell, but it ain’t too loud when it’s running. Want to reach it down for me, Highpockets? I’ll demonstrate.”
The man complied, and Janey, who was looking down for the battery box, thought for a second she’d seen something really bizarre about the dude’s hand, but when she straightened up and looked again, his hands were in his pockets and the girl was holding the pump.
Janey popped the seal on the box and fished out the pussy and the cellophane blanks it came packed in, slid in some batteries and unwound the remote cord. “You’re gonna want to use some lube,” she remarked, ducking under again. “We don’t recommend Vaseline, ‘cuz it eats latex, and don’t use any kind of cooking oil, ‘cuz it’ll go rancid and this piece of ass is a bitch to clean. But we have a good stock of flavored, scented, warming, etc, body oils, or you can use good old-fashioned K-Y. Anyway, give the mouth a good spurt and rub it on yourself.”
Janey held out the bottle of cinnamon musk, but it was the girl who took it, and who tentatively poked the pussy lips when Janey offered that, too.
“Feels…pretty normal.” The girl hesitated. “Cold.”
The guy frowned.
“It’ll warm up. Just get her going.” Janey thumbed the remote cord and a soft purring ground out of the device. “Stick your finger in there. Feel.”
Looking squeamish, the girl slipped two fingers into Jenna Jamason. Her face underwent a violent series of convulsions and she burst out into nervous giggles. “Ew!”
“It’s sucking,” Janey translated, for the benefit of the girl’s date, who had stopped looking intrigued in favor of looking alarmed.
“And it’s vibrating,” the girl informed, grinning. “And it is heating up,” she added with a schoolmarm’s nod of approval.
“Come on, play with it a little,” Janey prodded. “There’s no refunds, so you need to know what you’re buying. Work it a little. Feel what it can do.”
The lady was wiping her fingers on her shirt, shaking her head emphatically. “No, no. I think we’re good. We’ll get it.”
“Anything else? Something for you?” Janey winked. “What’s good for the gander is good for the goose.”
The man and woman avoided each other’s eyes. Bizarre.
“No, thanks,” said the lady. “That’s the lube aisle, Tagen. You better get some.”
And Janey, who had just about decided these two were some new breed of devout Catholic who were turning to hardcore masturbation in order to save themselves from the actual sin, got her mind half-blown when the man politely and extremely serenely turned to her and asked, “Do you have anything that is made from a woman’s natural oils?”
“I don’t think so, Tagen,” the lady said, before Janey could get her mouth back in working order. She didn’t look or sound the least bit shocked or scandalized by the question, either. “They might have some synthetic musk, though.”
“I do not think that will help.” The man frowned. “The stimulant is essential.”
“Try sniffing some of them. See if you get a reaction.” The woman turned back to Janey. “Do you have, like, a peppermint based one or something? That opens up the blood vessels pretty good, right?”
“Are you guys fucking with me?” Janey demanded, planting her hands on her hips.
Both man and woman looked at her with unfeigned surprise. “No,” they said, in unison.
Janey stared at both of them. “Okay,” she said at last, and shook her head as she walked around the counter and into the lube aisle. “Takes all kinds, I guess.” And she was going to have to invent some whole new kinds in order to make any damn sense of those two.
Janey and the big man headed into the land ‘o lube, leaving his girl at the counter. She found a few of the best-sellers in synthetic musk and passed them over, but the fella kept his hands in his pockets, obliging her to open the bottles herself and let him sniff them like a Frenchman with a wine cork. Up close, she realized he had to be wearing some fucked-up contact lenses, because he had the eyes of an eagle or a lion, a brilliant shade of burning gold, and practically no whites at all. Looking into those eyes almost made Janey forget just how weird the guy was and only remember how deep his voice was and how broad his chest was.
“You know,” she said, sotto voce in case the lady was listening and really was connected to this guy. “If you’re in the market for a girlfriend, you don’t have to settle for the ones that require batteries.” She winked.