Once you have found a song that you find useful, deliberately sing it to yourself for a while, until it becomes automatic. If you don't know the words or melody well enough to do this, find them and practice them, so that you can. Once you have done this, all you have to do is start singing the song and it will continue on its own as a background as you turn your attention to other things. When you pause from attending to those other things, you can notice that song playing quietly in the background of your mind, maintaining your good mood.
You can also take a further step to make this connection even more automatic. If you periodically get into an unpleasant mood in certain situations, or in response to certain external cues, your can imagine being in that situation, noticing those cues. Then turn on the song that you have chosen, to connect it to the situation and cues, so that they automatically trigger the song. Rehearse this several times right now, and then check later to find out if it has already become automatic, or if you need to practice it some more until it does… .
In the earlier part of this chapter, we added music alone, but a song is usually even more powerful, because it has both words and music. Music is processed in one hemisphere of your brain, while the words are understood by the other hemisphere, simultaneously activating both hemispheres with different aspects of the same message. This makes it much more powerful than either the melody or the words would be alone.
Caution
As mentioned earlier, when you add a song to your experience, the words of the song may be in opposition to whatever you are already saying to yourself. For instance, if you have been saying to yourself something like, "Everything is going to hell," and you add the song, "I'm sitting on top of the world," those two messages are contradictory. This has a potential for creating conflict, and we don't want to do that.
Sometimes when I first sing a song with words that are significantly different from my current mood, it seems artificial, or I have tears resulting from the conflicting moods, but often the song quickly takes over and my mood changes.
However, if you experience some discomfort, conflict or incongruence that does not resolve quickly when you add a song, please respect that, and stop what you are doing. You could try choosing another song that doesn't create conflict. Or you could delay using this approach until you have learned how to add words to your experience without creating this kind of conflict. This will be a major topic in many of the following chapters. Next we will begin to explore some specific ways to talk to yourself that avoid causing conflict.
4 Talking to Yourself Positively
Try saying the sentence, "What else can I enjoy right now?" to yourself, and notice how it changes what you attend to, and how you feel in response… .
That sentence directs your attention toward what you can enjoy in the present moment, rather than the complaints and problems that so often occupy our attention and make us feel bad. Even in the worst situation there is always something to enjoy, so this instruction never contradicts your reality. And it also doesn't contradict any grumpy voice that is complaining about all the nasty stuff. It doesn't oppose it by saying "but," it just directs your attention to other aspects of your experience, saying "and," joining what a critical voice might be attending to with noticing what you can enjoy. If you say that sentence repeatedly until it becomes an unconscious mantra it can reorient your life.
Contrast can often clarify and deepen your understanding of how things work. Notice what happens if you replace the word "enjoy" with "criticize," "disparage," or "be disgusted by" or some other negative word or phrase, just for a short time to notice what that is like… .
That sentence directs your attention in a very different way, and could easily result in plenty of unhappiness, or even depression. Many depressed people talk to themselves in this way without realizing it. Attending to what you don't like results in unpleasant feelings; attending to what you can enjoy results in pleasant feelings.
But there is another subtle aspect of the sentence "What else can I enjoy right now?" This becomes apparent if you delete the word "else," to get "What can I enjoy right now?" Try saying this sentence to yourself repeatedly, and notice how you feel in response, and how that is different from how you feel in response to the same sentence with "else" in it… .
The sentence "What can I enjoy right now?" has a very different effect, because it implies that you aren't enjoying anything right now — even though that is not a logical consequence of the statement. Most people will respond to this implication by feeling the opposite of enjoyment. When I say this sentence to myself, the tonality is slower and the pitch is lower, and I feel a heaviness, lethargy, somewhat depressed, because it sounds a little like a teacher telling me what I should do.
The word "else" in the first question presupposes that you are already enjoying something. So you naturally feel some enjoyment — as your attention searches for something else to enjoy. What a difference a single word can make!
And of course you can replace "enjoy" with any other verb that indicates what you want more of in your experience — learn, love, appreciate, see more clearly, understand, etc. Try saying to yourself, "What else can I learn right now?" repeatedly to see how that directs your attention, and how you respond… .
Now pick another verb to put in the place of "learn" to find out what that is like… .
And then do the same with "love" or some other words, and discover what that is like… .
Affirmations
Many people advocate repeatedly saying positive affirmations to themselves, as a way to change their beliefs about themselves and improve their lives. Affirmations originated with Emile Coue (1857–1926) who advocated saying the following sentence repeatedly, until it became an unconscious background mantra: "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better."
There is a serious problem with this particular affirmation in the repeated word, "every." It will never be true that every day and every way I am getting better. Reality just isn't like that. Even if I am getting marvelously better in many ways, it won't be in all ways. Most of us have an internal voice that listens for universal statements and challenges them — and those who don't have that kind of voice would be better off having one! If I say Coue's statement to myself, it stimulates my internal voice to find the exceptions to that universal generalization. It might say sarcastically, "Yeah, right! How about the way you snapped at your wife this morning — is that better? How about that sore knee that flared up yesterday, so that you're hobbling around this morning — is that better? I don't think so."
So even if the idea of affirmations might be worth pursuing, we need to be very careful about the words that we say to ourselves, or they may backfire and produce opposite results. Any universal words, like "all," "every," "always," will usually stir up an antagonistic voice, and that may result in decreasing your optimism! But there are other problems with affirmations that may not be immediately apparent. One web site says the following about affirmations: