I first considered recommending testing for autism. But in my experience, behaviors can often be addressed by simple, self–hypnotic suggestions. I looked directly into Tommy's eyes, and began telling a story… .
"Once upon a time there was a little boy squirrel named Timmy who felt bad because he couldn't do anything right." Tommy nodded his head. "When Timmy climbed trees with his friends he would slip and fall down." Tommy nodded his head again. "When Timmy hid nuts he would forget where he hid them. He felt dumb." Tommy nodded his head again. I embellished the story in great detail so Tommy would fully identify with Timmy the squirrel.
"Timmy the squirrel's parents finally bring their little boy to visit the Wise Old Owl who lives in the big oak tree. Because owls have wonderful eyesight he saw them coming from afar, and said, 'I see you are a squirrel family, how can I help you?' Mommy and Daddy told the owl that Timmy banged his head against trees and called himself names when he made a mistake.
"The Wise Old Owl thought for a moment, and then he looked right at little Timmy and said, 'Little Timmy the Squirrel, do you have a belly button? Let me see your belly button.' At this command, Tommy pulled up his shirt and looked at his belly button.
"The Wise Old Owl continued, 'Little Timmy, take a good look at your belly button, because everyone who has a belly button make mistakes. From now on, whenever you make a mistake, just look at your belly button and say, 'It's OK. Everyone who has a belly button makes mistakes.'
"Then I told him, 'Now you and your Mommy and Daddy go home and enjoy being part of a loving family.' " At that, I ended the session.
Julie called the following week to report Tommy had stopped banging his head.
Ron Soderquist, http://www.westlakehypnosis.com/
Like the previous example of the man with a critical attitude, Tommy's voice apparently had no positive function in the present. Some of the things that we learn are pretty much random. Tommy may have heard something like his voice at school, or on the playground — kids can sometimes be even more cruel and unthinking than adults. Somehow it stuck with him as something very important. All he needed was some skillful instruction in how to think differently. In this case, the instruction was embedded in a story about a squirrel.
I'd like to point out the importance of telling Tommy to look at his belly button. If Ron had instead said something like, "Everyone makes mistakes," it wouldn't have had nearly as much impact, because it would be too abstract and general. It might not necessarily apply to Tommy, and he might not remember it at the appropriate times. Having him look at his belly button provides a specific visual cue that both triggers the thought, and also applies it to him specifically. Every time Tommy looks at his belly button — or imagines seeing his bellybutton — he will think of the instruction, "It's OK. Everyone who has a belly button makes mistakes."
Another way of thinking about what Ron did with Tommy is that he taught him a way to be more self–accepting. Making mistakes is something that everyone does. Recognizing that something is a normal thing to do is a process that is often called "normalization." Let's explore self–acceptance in more detail.
Self–acceptance
Whenever someone doesn't like something about themselves, they are likely to criticize and reject themselves, which is the opposite of self–acceptance. Then if they learn about affirmations, they may try saying something like, "I deeply and completely accept myself." That sets up a direct conflict between the self–rejection and the self–acceptance, as I have discussed earlier.
However, there is a way to talk to yourself in an accepting way that doesn't conflict with any self–rejection that you already experience, and I'd like you to discover what that is like. First think of something that you don't like about yourself — your weight, your getting angry, not speaking up for yourself, dark moods, or whatever it might be… .
Then listen to what you say to yourself when you do this. "You're a fat lazy pig," "I get angry all the time," "You're a wimp," "I'm no fun to be around," or something like that… .
Now try saying to yourself, "I deeply and completely accept myself," and notice what you experience in response to that… .
There are a variety of ways to respond to this, but what they have in common is some kind of weakening of the self–affirmation, because of the conflict between the two sentences.
Now try putting your two sentences together in the following sentence:
"Even though I (am a fat lazy pig, get angry, am a wimp, have dark moods, etc.) I deeply and completely accept myself"
Say that sentence several times, and notice how you feel in response, and how that is different from what you experienced when the two sentences were separated… .
The words "even though" have a very interesting way of joining what seem to be opposite or contradictory experiences. After all, "not liking something about myself," is certainly the opposite of "deeply and completely accepting myself." "Even though" completely accepts your not liking something and joins it with deep and complete self–acceptance. It states the opposites in a way that they don't conflict with each other.
This exact sentence "Even though I (critical self–evaluation) I deeply and completely accept myself" is widely used in a method called "Emotional Freedom Technique" (EFT) (14) and also appears less prominently in other approaches. However, "even though" can be used in many other ways to join apparent opposites.
"Even though I have failed repeatedly, I can learn to succeed."
"Even though I don't like healthy food, I can lose weight."
"Even though I'm lazy, I can satisfy my boss."
The general pattern is the following:
"Even though I (statement of problem or difficulty) I (statement of a positive outcome).
Try this yourself. First think of a personal lack, or something about you that you criticize, and then think of a future goal or outcome — to be happier, calmer, smarter, more perceptive, etc. and link them together using the sentence above, and notice how you experience that… .
There is another value in doing this that may not be immediately apparent. When people criticize themselves, they often use sentences to link their problem or lack to a future failure or inability:
"I have failed repeatedly, so I can't succeed."
"I don't like healthy food, so I can't lose weight."
"I'm lazy, so I can't satisfy my boss."
Think of some sentence like this that you say to yourself, and then restate it in the form "Even though I (statement of problem or difficulty) I (statement of a positive outcome)" and experience what that is like… .
That kind of sentence links a problem to an outcome in a very interesting way that is the opposite of what most people usually do. It is almost as if you are saying that the problem will make it easier to reach your outcome.
"Because I have failed repeatedly, I'll be able to succeed"
"Since I don't like healthy food, I'll be able to lose weight"
"Being lazy will make it easier to satisfy my boss"
Even though those sentences may seem totally crazy to you, try saying them to yourself as ifthey were true, and then figure out how they actually could be true… .