To summarize, it is much more useful to talk to yourself so that you attend to what you do want than what you don't want, much more useful to attend to a solution than a problem. If you are aiming an arrow at a target, it is much more useful to attend to where you do want the arrow to go, than where you don't want it to go. Attending to a positive desired outcome, rather than a negated problem is a very important first step.
However, the next step is to make sure that what you say to yourself will actually get the results that you want. Every culture has some folk tale like W.W. Jacob's The Monkey's Paw, in which someone is given three wishes. In these stories the last wish is always used to undo the damage caused by the first two. For instance, in one such tale, a hungry peasant couple are given three wishes. Since she is hungry, she immediately wishes for a salami. He is enraged that she would wish for such a trivial thing, and wishes for the salami to grow onto her nose. Then the last wish is
used to remove the salami from her nose, and they are right back where they started — still hungry, but hopefully a bit wiser. There are many other sayings with the same message of caution about what you wish for.
"There are two great tragedies in life; one is to not get your heart's desire; the other is to get it" (George Bernard Shaw)
"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck" (The Dalai Lama)
"Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin when you get what you want"(F. Scott Fitzgerald)
"Be careful what you wish for, for some day it may be yours"
If you specify your outcome carefully in advance, you can avoid these gloomy prophecies. Fortunately there is a systematic way to examine any desired outcome and modify it to be reasonably sure that it will be satisfying.
Outcome Specification
A well–specified outcome will work effortlessly and unconsciously, while avoiding possible objections, hesitations, and obstacles. To be well–formed, an outcome has to satisfy certain conditions. One of the main conditions is that it does not prevent or interfere with other desires or outcomes that you have.
The first thing to realize is that every change — no matter how wonderful it is — will result in some loss. That loss may be trivial, or it may be vitally important to you, but there will always be a "down side." For instance, if you move to a much nicer home, that change in location may mean that you are farther from a favorite delicatessen, or closer to a noisy freeway, or it may mean that you are continually worried or stressed by a much larger financial obligation. Knowing that there will always be a "down side" to every change can alert you to search for what it is, so that you can examine it carefully in advance and not be surprised later. Once you have examined the consequences, you can either be prepared for them, or change your outcome to avoid them.
There are a number of other criteria for an outcome that will be achievable and satisfying. You can use the questions and statements in the outline below to examine any outcome that you have. If you are doing this with someone else, ask them the questions in italics. Continue to ask each question until you are satisfied that they have answered it fully, and that you know exactly what they mean. In the following, I will use the desire to speak publicly to a group as an example of an outcome.
1. Desired state
a) "What do you want?" "I want to speak in public without choking up and forgetting what I want to say."
b) "Is it stated in positive terms?" — what you do want, not what you don't want. "I want to feel comfortable speaking in public, easily able to recall what I want to say."
c) "Is this initiated and controlled by you?" — No magic intervention by someone else or something else that is out of your control, like winning the lottery. "No matter what the situation, I'll be able to maintain a comfortable state, as if I were speaking to a friend, or a small group of friends."
d) "Give me a specific sensory–based description, and/or a behavioral demonstration of what you want" Specify it so that someone else would know exactly what you want. "I want to feel just like I am now while speaking to you. I'll be breathing normally, feeling alert and able to remember what I want to say, and speak clearly and convincingly." (A sensory–based description will be a criterion for all the other conditions listed below.)
e) Appropriate scope. "Give me an example of what you want" I want to feel comfortable when speaking in sales meetings of about 10 people." (not "I want to be comfortable in all situations.")
f) Meta–outcome (see below). "When you have that, what will that do/get for you?" I'll have the satisfaction of making my views known to others, and be able to affect the group process in useful ways."
2. Evidence
a) "How will you know when you have it? What specific evidence will let you know that you have achieved it?" "I'll be able to feel comfortable, easily recall what I want to say, and speak clearly."
b) Appropriate and timely feedback. "What specific evidence will let you know that you are making progress toward your goal?" "I'll see the other people attending to what I say, and their questions will indicate that they have understood what I said."
3. Context
a) "Where, when, and with whom do you want it?" "I also want to be able to present information to a larger group of a hundred of my colleagues at national conferences."
b) "What specific sensory–based cues will trigger the new behavior or state?" "When I realize it is time to speak, and I see all those faces turn to look at me expectantly."
4. "Ecology (Congruence) "How will your desired outcome affect other aspects ofyour life, either positively or negatively? Does any part ofyou have any objection to your having this outcome?" "If I were able to do this, my boss might ask me to travel to more conferences, and be away from my family more, which I wouldn't like," etc. Either:
a) Limit the outcome to the appropriate contexts, or
b) Revise the outcome so that it is appropriate in a wider range of different contexts, or
c) Teach behavioral competence to deal successfully with the undesired consequences. (In the example above, the ability to politely and respectfully refuse the boss' request to travel more would be an example of #3.
5. Blocks "What stops you from having your desired outcome already?" "I get nervous, and that makes my hands shake and my voice quaver, and I sometimes forget what I want to say," etc.
6. Existing Resources "What resources do you already have that will support getting your outcome?" "I feel comfortable speaking to you, and to small groups of friends, where I have no difficulty remembering what I want to say, so I know that I'm able to do it," etc.