7. Additional Resources "What other resources do you need in order to get your outcome?" "I need to learn how to feel comfortable in larger groups, and to find some way to remind me of what I want to say, as a backup in case I lose my train of thought," etc.
8. Steps
a) Path. "How are you going to get there?" "I'll start practicing in very small groups of two or three people, and I'll imagine that they are all close friends."
b) Alternatives. "Do you have more than one way to get there?" (The more alternatives the better.) "I can also start by giving little talks to my kids about dinosaurs, or by presenting accounting figures to the PTA," etc.
c) Chunking. "Is the first step specified and achievable? How about subsequent steps?" "I can sign up for toastmasters, where there is no risk, and I can begin by giving very short presentations, so that it is easier to remember what I want to say. Then I can make slightly longer presentations, and use file cards with cue words to help me remember," etc.
Meta–Outcome Whenever in this process you can foresee that your outcome will have obvious troublesome consequences (murder, suicide, financial ruin, etc.), elicit the outcome of the outcome (a "meta–outcome") by asking, "What will that do for you?" or "What will you get if you do that?" Keep asking until you get an outcome that you think is positive and not problematic. Finding a meta–outcome gives you flexibility in finding a specific behavior that will give you what you really want (the meta–outcome) without the drawbacks of the initial outcome that you thought you wanted.
This process of specifying an outcome can also be applied to your self–talk. There are some very important conditions that need to be met in order to specify how you can talk to yourself in a useful way. You can examine the words you say internally, to be sure that they get you what you really want, without too many significant undesired costs or consequences. In the next chapter we will be exploring how you are already talking to yourself, and how to use an extensive checklist to change that into something that will serve you much better, and take you where you want to go.
10 Asking Questions
When we ask ourselves questions, they direct our attention to different aspects of our experience. If I'm at a restaurant, and it is time to order a meal, I could ask myself a wide variety of questions, and each one would point my mind in a different direction. For instance, imagine that you are in a restaurant now, and the waiter or waitress has just handed you the menu. What question might you ask yourself? .. .
First write down your question, and then notice how that question directed your attention, and how you feel as a result of asking it… .
We will make use of your question later in this chapter, so if you haven't yet written down your question, pause to do so now, so that you won't miss out on a useful experience… .
I realize that it may not yet be clear what I am asking you to do, so there are some examples below. Ask yourself the following questions, one at a time, and then pause to notice how each one directs you to a different scope of experience, with a somewhat different feeling:
m) What food would I enjoy most? …
n) What should I order? …
o) What are other people ordering? …
p) Did I pick a good restaurant? …
q) What is least expensive? …
r) What food will feel best to me an hour from now? …
This is only a very small sample of the many possible questions that someone could ask in this situation. I'll offer some general observations below, and you can compare that with your response.
The first question directs your attention to select something that will satisfy your own tastes, pleasures and preferences. Probably you will have a feeling of pleasure, as you imagine tasting the foods that you enjoy most. While choosing a meal that you will enjoy makes a lot of sense, it could result in spending more than you can afford, or result in overindulgence that you may regret later.
The second question uses a different criterion, "should" instead of your own enjoyment. Often this means choosing according to some set of rules about what you should do, which is often different from what you would enjoy. "I'd like a steak, but I should have a salad and juice so I can lose weight." Since most people resist doing what they "should" do, you likely have a less satisfying feeling of being pushed to do something that you'd rather not do.
The third question directs your attention to what other people are ordering, rather than what would satisfy you. If you select a meal based on what others select, and they enjoy different kinds of food than you do, you will choose a meal that you may not enjoy, and might even dislike.
The fourth question directs your attention to the overall quality of the food at this restaurant. Whether you decide that the food here is likely to be good, bad, or indifferent, that is irrelevant to deciding which food to choose. However, this would be a good question to ask earlier in time, when you are deciding on a restaurant, or it might be useful if you are thinking that perhaps you made a poor choice, and you are considering moving to a different restaurant.
The fifth question directs your attention to the price, rather than to the food. While this may be a good choice if you have little money to spend, it will restrict your choices, and sometimes result in ordering something that is not enjoyable. You may feel some regret that you can't order the food that you would choose if you had more money to spend.
The sixth question directs your attention to a future feeling of the food in your stomach — a pleasant feeling of fullness or lightness — rather than the pleasure of tasting the food. You may choose a meal that isn't quite as pleasurable, but you will probably seldom overindulge or become overweight.
If you review your experience of these questions, you will find that each of them offers certain benefits and each of them also has certain drawbacks, and that will be true of any question that you could ask. Depending on the context, and your outcome at the moment, any of them could be useful, but each of them will also have certain disadvantages.
You may also discover that one or more of these questions seems very familiar or logical, "Oh, yeah, that makes sense," while others seem alien or nonsensical, "I'd never ask that!" That kind of response indicates that you would typically tend to ask one kind of question, rather than another.
Now return to the question that you first asked yourself at the beginning of this chapter. Find out what you can discover about how it directs your attention, you feeling as a result, and what the potential benefits and drawbacks of this question are… .
Core Question
A core question is a fundamental question that someone continually asks throughout the day, unconsciously organizing and directing experience in ways that can be both enabling and limiting — a powerful determinant of our skills, attitudes, and limitations. When you discover your core question, that gives you an opportunity to examine it, and change it to something more useful to you.
Since this question is one that we typically ask, regardless of the context, it is so familiar that we tend presuppose it and take it for granted, as the fish does water. It is so much a part of part of who we are that it is unconscious, so it is difficult to identify what it is. The first step in this process is to become even more familiar with the impact of different questions. The instructions below are written as an exercise to do with two other people, because you can learn so much by comparing what you do with what someone else does. But you can also do the exercise by yourself. Another way to gain a wider experience is to then take a friend through the exercise, and notice how different some of their answers are.