c) What verb tense is used? (past, present, future, conditional, subjunctive, etc.) Since the past can't be changed, a question directing attention to the present and future will usually be more useful in enabling choice, ability, and satisfaction.
d) Self/other emphasis/sorting. Notice pronouns: I, you, they, we, etc. Ideally there is a balance between attending to self and others, with respect and consideration for both.
e) Active/passive Is the person the active subject or passive object of the question? For instance, "What shall I do?" is active, while "What will happen to me?" is passive, and presupposes lack of choice.
f) Is there a negation? ("What's wrong" = "not right") Try transforming any negations into positive statements. For instance, "What's wrong" could become, "What do I want to attend to?" or "How can I make this better?" etc.
g) Are there any comparisons? (more, less, better, best, enough, etc.) Is a comparison self/other, self/self, or other/other? Try changing or eliminating the comparison. Does a comparison offer useful feedback information, and result in useful feelings of pleasure and motivation?
h) Is it a Yes/No (digital) question, such as "Am I safe?" or an analog (continuum) question, such as "How safe am I?" Usually analog questions will be more useful.
i) Is it a spurious yes/no question that is stated so that it can only be answered in one way? For instance, "Did I do everything I could have?" or "Am I completely safe?" can never be answered "Yes" in a complex world.
j) Sensory–based Does the question direct the person's attention toward specific sensory–based events and behavior? For instance, "What's happening around me right now?" directs attention to specific external events, but "Am I safe?" does not
k) Note any cause–effect ("this caused that"), equivalence ("this = that"), or context that is stated, referred to, or presupposed.
l) Which of the three major aspects of experience—behavior, thinking, and feeling—are included, omitted, or presupposed.
m) Does it contain a self–reflexive loop? "How well am I doing?" in contrast to "How well did that work?"
n) Does the question elicit motivation that is "toward" "away from" both, or neither? Experiment with changing this orientation.
o) Are the feelings that result from the question pleasant unpleasant or neither? How could you change the question to make it more pleasant?
9. Experiment with modifications or adjustments As a trio, suggest changes in the question for the person whose question it is to try out in their experience to see if they like the resulting changes.
For instance, if the original question was "Am I loved," that is passive and a yes/no (digital) question. You could try, "What can I do to be sure she loves me?" which is more active. Or you could try, "How much am I loved?" which presupposes that you are loved, it is just a matter of degree. As they try out a modification, be particularly attentive to their nonverbal responses, which will indicate how well it does or doesn't fit for them. Make a note of changes that the person likes.
10. Congruence check ("ecology") Whenever you find a change that you like, and that you think you would like to have it as part of your automatic unconscious responding, test it thoroughly by imagining asking the question in all your major life contexts, being alert for any possible problems, limitations, or compli–cations. If you notice problems, experiment to find out how you can adjust the question so that these problems don't arise.
11. Rehearse in future contexts Assuming that you have identified one or more changes that you are congruently pleased with, rehearse the modified question in a variety of future life situations, so that the question will generalize widely and become a spontaneous unconscious response.
12. Testing/Feedback Make a promise to yourself to check a week or two in the future to find out how well these changes are working. You can always make further modifications any time you want to.
This process can be used to adjust what we say to ourselves in any problem situation, in order to make it more useful in supporting our life goals. Changes in our core question will usually generalize widely, and have a broad impact on our lives, far beyond specific problems. A live workshop presentation of this process is available on CD (6)
Closing
In this book I have collected and presented a wide variety of ways to transform negative internal self–talk, learned from over 30 years of training and researching. Much of this has come from others who have taught me, or contributed ideas, while some of it has come in little "Ahah!" moments in assisting someone, or reviewing a communication or a transcript of a session. Others I have learned from participants in seminars. All these little bits and pieces had to be collected and then fit together into a coherent whole, a process that was a further learning process in itself.
My own internal voice has been an essential ally in doing this. Sometimes I have thought to myself, "There's something missing here." "If this is true, then that must also be true." "That's not very clear; how does that really work?" "How can I say this better?" And there have also been delightful moments of discovery. "Oh, I know how that works!" "I see how these two elements relate to each other!" As this book grew, it eventually became too long for a single book, so I decided to split it into two volumes, as I did with my previous book. (5)
In this volume, I have mostly ignored the historical roots of our negative voices, focusing on the structures that the history put in place, and changing them in the present. However it can also be useful to change a voice by tracing the origin of a troublesome voice back in time, and learn more about the original context that created a negative voice.
In volume 2 of this book I go on to utilize many of the principles presented here—and some only hinted at—to develop a systematic process for communicating directly with a troublesome voice. This makes it possible to learn much more about the voice—especially its positive intent and its understanding. With this additional information the meaning of what it says changes, so that it is even more supportive and useful, becoming a supportive ally, instead of a troublesome critic. Then you can go on to "tune up" a voice to make further changes in what it says, and how it says it, so that it is even more useful.
Steve Andreas June 2009
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