He left the pub and paced the streets again. He came to a bridge and put his hands on the side rail. It was dark now and the Liffey shimmered with dollops of light from the quays above. He closed his eyes. His lower lip trembled as the speed pulsed out waves of rapture and awareness. Dublin was a den, a cauldron, a brothel, but he was beyond it all. He began to imagine the vastness of the universe, the silent darkness that stretched out forever, a limitless void. All that back there — the city, the lights and noise, the shopping and drinking, the music and roaring — it was a conspiracy, a cover-up in which everyone colluded and whose purpose was to deny it, the nothingness that Rez could feel now, crushing in from afar, burying the planet and all the creatures that scuttled across its surface. He revelled in the insignificance of human things, of sentiment, of self.
He opened his eyes and peered into the quick black swirls of the river beneath. Up ahead were the docklands and then the open sea. From here he could discern the ships and rigs and cranes of the port. It occurred to him that although he had lived his whole life in this city he had never followed the Liffey up there, to where it merged with the sea. He set off, pacing past hotels and pubs, and empty office blocks with lights still glowing inside their glass shells, until the noise of the city centre was behind him. Soon he was at the end of the river. The pathway was blocked by an iron fence, but Rez clambered out over the water and managed to swing himself around. Nearly slipping, he leapt on to the other side: a thin strip of rubble-strewn, overgrown wasteland, then the river’s mouth. Shards of rusted steel curled up from the darkness ahead. A rat scurried through the weeds at his feet. He walked across the strip of wasteland to the edge of the quay and looked down: a ten-metre drop, then the black rush of the river. The speed throbbed in his brain and body and he closed his eyes again. Then he thought: why not? Why not just step off, right now, and disappear in the black water? No one would see, no one would hear. He would simply vanish. He realized that his intent was serious, that he was indifferent to whether he lived or died.
He stood there, intensely aware of everything: of the carousing city behind him; of the rushing water below; of the starless night sky and, beyond it, the real darkness, the true night that lasted forever and knew nothing of Rez.
Rez lifted his right leg forward, over the water. He let the weight of it pull him out, slowly but inexorably until, silent and unseen, he fell forward and plunged into the dark river.
23 | Kearney
— Joseph Kearney
To: Matthew Connelly
Email received at 6:23
05/07/2003
alrite connelly! u nob jockey
watz up horse
jesus krist i just dont no were to start. im havin de best time of me life over hear and i just wanted to rub yr face in it hahaha. tell de others 2. anyfiwho stays in dublin must be a rent-boy r some kind of demon queer. dats all im sayin. u benders havent got a clue
evry single day and night ive been off me fucking face. im off me fuckin facr right now in fact!! me and dwayne an his mate egon hav just hoovered up a gram of coke in 15 minnets excpet now ders some debate as to weather it was actually coke at all. apparently not. maybe amphetamine or benzadrine r some other brain fucking powder … who knows. de question is purely akademic im fucked off me face and dats all dat truly matters lol;/winkwinkwank
when i got to de airport last week dwayne was der waitin for me. he was wearin dis poncey hat like pork pie hat or wotever. and he lifts it up and ders dis ROW of joints on the in side and dat waas only de start of the fun haha. straight to NYC for days of may hem and den back to d apartment in boston were hesstaying with 12 other mad irish cunts … all dat weekend we didnt sleep der was dis dj in the gaff playin hard house and ders no fuckin furniture just bare floorboards hahaa. smokin CRISTAL METH n everything. and boston is HOT!!! i mean HOT!!! as in: scald yer bollox off
last nite we went to a gig. techno is de best but ill go to hardcore rock gigs with dwayne de metaller. as long as its hard and RELENTless and i can get totally monged who really gives a fuck!! de band was called DRUG ORGY and neither of us had heard of dem but it was obvious dey were goin to be gud with a neme like dat or so we taught!!! so we drop a cuple of yokes and drink a bottle of sambucha wiht de lads up on the rooftop n den we head in on de trolly (dats de tramline nigga) and get into de gig fucking REVVIN for it. as soon as we get past de bouncers dwayne goes to me “stick me finger in yr mouth!!” and i goes “wot yr off yer head u insestuous kweerboy!!” but he goes “shut de fuck up and suck me fuckin finger nigga” so i do and d taste is pure mank like dis metal taste pure chemcial taste and i goes what de fuck is dat!!! and he goes “MDMA!!!!” its a fuckin WUNDERDRUG!!! yeah boyeee
den the band cums on and weere fuckin totally off our heads just like screamin at de hevens and dwayne has dis drool comin out of him his eyes are rolled back in his head totally mad out of it fuckin zombie holocaust. n den de band comes on and weer ready for total metal holocaust but suddenly we see its dis nerdy bunch of little cunts with trousers n glasses n der was even figirl in de band. a girl with pony tail and glasses!! n me n dwanye look at each other in like pure horrer goin Is dis DRUGg ORgy r u fuckin seerious? and dey start playin dis warbly fag music with banjos and flutes and all dis shite and d song i swear to fuck i looked it up online afterwords cos i was so distorubed. de song was called HOMEMADE PESTO AND CHILEAN WINE WON’T SAVE US FROM THE ABYSS!!! it was about trees and organic bred n such bollix. adn den anoter song was called OH CLIVE, THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN POE AND FAULKNER. total faggits!!!
me and dwayne wer redy to get de fuck out uf their. but wile dwayne is at the bar gettin one mroe shot each for the road dis hot little indie bird beside me starts lookin at me. lovely tits on her like ye just want to stick yer face in and go nuts and fuckin bite dem off hahaha. and i start gettin big rushes of blood to me mickey cos im fucked off me head and i smile at her tinkin id luv 2 put d willy inside hur but suddenly its not just her its her friends too. male friends all of dem starin at me and no one is smilin like. and i think wat de fuck is rong now? and i start wonderin if dey are anti irish or somethin. and dis big lanky cunt shakes his hed adn goes “dis ain’t cool man” and sticks his finger in me chest and goes “de fuck is dis huh?” and i goes nothin cos i dont know wat de fuck its all about and now the little indy bitch goes “do u tink its like cool or sometin. is it all a joke to u. or do u really think its cool to like masscacre 3000 people” and i goes “i didnt massacre anyone!!!” and im totlally lost thinkin “Do dey think im an A-rab or sometin??!”